


Where We Live In Shades Of Grey

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Smallville RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-10-12
Updated: 2012-05-13
Packaged: 2018-09-03 10:38:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 76,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8709124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: What’s pushed world famous photographer Jared Padalecki to the edge? With his name immortalised among the paparazzi for producing some of the best pictures in the business, he’s won awards and earned tons of money. But reaching the pinnacle of his profession has meant Jared's used charm and sex to get what he wants, and sooner or later that’s going to catch up with you. Add in a tempestuous meeting with iconic actor Jensen Ackles, who’s carrying around his own bag of secrets, and suddenly, Jared's finding his job that much harder. Will Jared be able to strike a balance between falling in love and his next big payday? The fallout from snapping the juciest celebrity photo in tinsel town has the potential of destroying lives.... and it could just be Jared’s.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

From the bridge, Jared Padalecki can see a wall of dark shaded buildings decorated with a million multi-coloured neon lights. A myriad of them, like glittering jewels strewn across the cold night sky. It’s beautiful, taking his breath in small huffs of frozen air, as he shivers against the biting wind and pouring rain. He’s getting soaked and ordinarily he might wonder if he’s going to catch a cold or worse. 

 

But not tonight. Because this night it doesn’t matter. 

 

Against the backdrop of a city that doesn’t sleep he’s about to plunge into the belly of a fierce and heartless lover. Drown real deep in the icy waters of her arms and loose all sense of himself before she sucks him under. It’s poetic and that’s ironic for a man that’s never been full of words. Jared’s all about movement, the snapshot of a busy life caught on the run. It’s what he does, take pictures of living works of art, and he’s damned good at it. Or at least he was. His ability to capture the brilliance of a moment in a photograph has catapulted him to fame and riches beyond his wildest expectation, and launched him into a career with the high flying paparazzi. Leading the hunting pack, Jared’s had feature spreads in almost every glossy magazine and newspaper known to man. 

 

As he perches on the brink of ultimate destruction, Jared’s not so far gone he can’t hope for a miracle that someone will save him. Maybe, if he could pray, it might make a difference. Truth is Jared can’t, and he’s not surprised when his wishes go unanswered. 

 

Nothing will change. Not now. Not when it’s far too late for sorry. And too late for regret. 

 

All in all it adds up to why he’s here, and the cold hard fact – his life will end tonight on this lonely, quiet bridge.

 

Feeling more at peace than he has for weeks, Jared takes a second to close his eyes. Centring on the stillness he can feel around him. He sinks beneath the muted rumble of relentless traffic and the slow wail of sirens racing in the distance. Life will still continue without him. Ever moving. Ever present. 

 

He breathes in deep because what he feels now is real. This poised minute before he lets go is full of pain. It’s everything he’s shut out for so damn long and can’t hold back anymore. The sadness of it all swallows him, because it’s not just loss and anger killing him, its joy and laughter too. The remembrance of days he took for granted along with the sweet memory of being held and loved.

 

If he needs a deeper reminder of the life he could have had, Jared only needs to take out the crumpled photo he’s got hiding in his pocket. It’s an insignificant picture, not even one of Jared’s best, but it’s captured in classic black and white a man, who sits in profile, so very, very well. Jared’s fingers itch to take it out and look at it once more, but he can’t. He mustn’t, because he’ll hesitate and wonder if there is a chance, a slim and desperate dream that he may be forgiven for what he’s done. It doesn’t matter though, because the man he’s framed against pale lamplight is ingrained within his memory. He’s the most perfect illustration of beauty that Jared’s ever seen. An icon of the modern world shot in the glamour of black and white photography he’s sophistication and elegance in shaded tones of dark and light.

 

But the photo is only the tip of the iceberg. There’s more. So, much more that it makes Jared ache real deep inside. This man’s turned Jared’s world inside out and upside down. He’s a complex puzzle of contradictions and more than a mystery to Jared, he’s someone Jared loves with all his heart. And that’s not the worst or best of it. Jared thought he knew what love was but it’s meant nothing against the feelings that have been swamping him the past few months. 

 

Taking a deep and unsteady breath, Jared wraps his arms around himself, feeling the bones of his ribcage stick into him. A further reminder of just how far he’s sunk. Once appearance was everything and he’d taken pride in his 6’4’ physique of solid muscle. Now it’s no more than a nuisance he has to tolerate. His clothes are hanging baggy and he’s not shaved since yesterday. Sleep is a distant memory and he’s sporting sunken hollow eyes. Jared’s hardly the man that had once bagged one of the most desirable men on the planet. It goes some way to demonstrating just how hard and far he’s crashed.

 

Nausea sweeps over Jared, suddenly, like a scalding pan of boiling water and he retches over the rail. Seems even killing himself is hard and he’s scared sick that he’ll stuff it up. Maybe get his leg stuck and end up dangling like some grotesque marionette, or that he’ll panic and change his mind half way down. With his mind whirling off the chart, Jared pulls himself together and climbs up onto the ledge. From his precarious position on the frayed edges of sanity and madness it feels fitting that he has some time to reflect. To look back on a life that’s been less than sterling. 

 

To remember that once upon a time in a land that wasn’t far, far away, Jared had been a fair and decent man, and not just the monster and liar he’s become.

 

 

****

 

 

 

Five Years Ago

 

Chad Michael Murray, life long sticky tape on the disaster that’s been Jared’s life is the best friend he’s never deserved. Like partners in crime they’d met up as they bungled their way through college and continued as flat mates when they’d headed for the big city. With Jared earning virtually nothing as a freelance, fledgling photographer it had been Chad who’d picked up all the bills. With no artistic talent, Murray had turned his hand to finance. He’d done well, somehow graduating with honours and walking into a nice family firm of accountants that paid above the going rate. 

 

In those halcyon days, Jared had lived by his ambition and dreamt of being discovered for his art. Painstakingly visualising each graphic detail to the letter. Taking hours to capture the right moment and waiting days to generate the right atmosphere. Despite living hand to mouth he’d been happy then; creating black and white masterpieces of ruined buildings and steaming vents with grey lined skies. 

 

In those fresh naïve moments he’d had no worries. He’d got Chad to lean on when no one else saw his talent, and Chad to depend on when everyone had given up. 

 

“Dude, you worry too much,” Chad retorted, lounging on the same ratty sofa he'd owned back in college. “I’ll cover the rent and the electric, go out and have some fun for once. Better still get laid!”

 

Chad, for all his best friendly, advice still believed that sex could cure most of life’s issues. Nice idea and Jared would even have beeen open to trying it, if only he could get over his last relationship disaster.

 

Jared’s hesitation doesn’t go unmissed. “Lame, Padalecki. Very lame,” Chad intoned seriously, in a voice he saved for clients who have gotten drastically into debt.

 

“But, I….” Jared’s attempt to defend himself end up shot down in flames.

 

“Grow some balls will you! I’m not asking you to marry someone. Damn it, Jared why does everything have to be so serious with you?”

 

Jared’s wondered the same thing many times but it’s like he can’t help it. He has zero control of his emotions and girls seem to know this. Which is why Jared’s been engaged three times. He just doesn’t know how to do sex with no strings attached. For him it’s full on hearts and flowers from the starting gate. He can’t help it. He’s an old fashioned guy with old fashioned values. 

 

“I mean you’d only known the girl for two fuckin’ weeks! What in gods name were you thinking of?”

 

Spelt out like that Jared had to wince. “She was lovely, real hot and….”

 

“Yeah, yeah she was a fox, but man she was a stripper and when she realised you really didn’t have any money she dumped your ass!”

 

Ouch. But then truth often hurts.

 

“Do you have to?” Jared complained. It wasn’t like he meant to propose. It just sought of fell out of his mouth while he was getting a blow job.

 

“Sorry,” Chad replied with a face that was distinctly anything but. “Think with your dick by all means, but just don’t let the damn thing take control of your vocal cords!”

 

Fiddling with his favourite camera, an old Canon SLR he’d inherited from his father, Jared snapped the cover back across the lens, “I do not!”

 

“Purleeease,” Chad theatrically swooned. “Oooh, Cindy that feels so good. Yeah, suck it harder and we’ll look at rings tomorrow. Seriously, Jared your porn voice is a pile of shit!”

 

“CHAD!” Jared protested, looking shocked.

 

But in unrepentant Chad style, Murray simply grinned, “Baby, deeper. Go on take it down and we’ll ask you sister to be bridesmaid.”

 

For anyone listening it would appear that Chad’s gone slightly cuckoo. But in all honestly while Jared might not make swooping gestures of eternal devotion, he does have a bad habit of promising the world.

 

“Okay, laugh it up smarty pants, but you watch it you’ll be the next one married.”

 

Chad managed to spend the next five minutes recovering from hysterics. “Dude, you soooo kill me!”

 

“Knock it off. So I need to go out and get laid but I can’t. I’ve got this exhibition coming up. I need to be on top of my game,” Jared sighed, perching on the arm of the couch.

 

“Jay, you’re always on top, it’s not healthy.” For a second Jared wondered if they were talking about his job or his sex life. “What chance does a bird have if you’ve always got that damned camera in your hand?” Not waiting for an answer Chad plunged ahead, “I’ll tell you, Jay. None. A big fat and shiny none!”

 

Jared would like to have protested that he’s not so bad, but given that he’s sat there with one of his six cameras pleading ignorance isn’t going to work. “Okay, you win alright?”

 

Chad, not that he crows much, does a winning dance with his arms, “That’s more like it! So, where we going?”

 

Jared sighed, picking up a saggy cushion to smack over Chad’s head, “One of these days….” 

 

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll go too far. Man, get in line. There’s more than a quarter of the wealthiest people in Manhattan would like to do that.” It’s a slightly scary thought that, actually, Chad’s revelation is an accurate glimpse of the perils working as an accountant in NY can bring. 

 

Jared sobered up, “Dude, do you have to say that. It’s just plain creepy.”

 

“Fact of life Jared. Fact of life. It comes with the territory. If you could only guess some of the things I’ve seen and heard since we moved here.”

 

“Far cry from being a college boy then?” Jared joked in an attempt to lighten the mood, but for some reason it fell flat.

 

Chad shrugged, “Fuck, I could tell you no end of stuff. Man, if you were working for a newspaper or something you’d never be out of work.”

 

The words ‘never out of work’ are like ice to Jared. Dripping mocking reality in his face. His pictures are good and they invoke every emotion known to man, but the one thing they don’t do, however, is pay the bills. For that Jared relies on Chad.

 

It should be noted that at this point Jared hadn’t wandered from the base line he’d chalked up in the sand. He was an artist and not a hack. Relishing the opportunities he’d won to exhibit his artwork to the public. Working on a local or national newspaper or even a glossy magazine sounded like career suicide. It’s where the wanna be’s of artistic genius all ended up. Jared had no intention of being ‘a wanna be.’ To him there is no good reason to throw away your life’s ambition away for money.

 

But in counterpoint Jared also hadn’t been to Table 50 yet and had the encounter with the hack that would change his life forever.


	2. Chapter 2

'We're gonna use it up - gonna wear it out

Ain't nothin' left in this whole world I care about' 

Odessey - Use It Up And Wear It Out

 

 

Five Years Ago

 

Table 50 was something of a favourite haunt for Chad and Jared, but for very different reasons. Chad loved the covert underground basement, the candle lit vibe giving off a sultry and dirty feel as colourful as the red co-ed bathrooms. Whereas Jared, looking for artistic connections in all areas of his life, found it was the almost forbidden sensation of rocking in a place steeped with history. But most of all, despite not admitting it, Jared was drawn here for the dancing.

 

 

Not that he was any sort of Fred Astaire. Far from it. Jared’s sense of rhythm was usually behind or in front by at least two beats, but he didn’t care. For him it was the chance to kick back and be free from any lingering inhibitions not eroded by lots of alcohol. Jared would relax and let his body take him to places his mind could only imagine. Lost in the freedom of moving in abandon to a beat; submerged in a frenzied passion of heaving sweating bodies. It was as if Jared were actually tasting and touching the basic elements of a great photograph, inhaling the heady and addictive nuance of a masterful composition.

 

 

In truth while it was Chad that was always copping lustful eyefuls of the ladies, it would be Jared who would often score. His joyous abandon a magnate for anyone that entered. It was also, probably, why Jared and casual sex didn’t mix. On the one hand he gave off signals that he was wild and free, but on the inside Jared was the same as he’d always been, a sensitive and loving guy. 

 

 

Tonight it seemed was to prove no exception, although there was one important and eyebrow raising difference. It wasn’t a girl who Jared Padalecki’s antics had interested. And certainly, by anyone’s standards, it wasn’t an ordinary guy.

 

 

It was Mike Rosenbaum the most famous celebrity journalist in the business, and he’d just bought penthouse number three in NYC.

 

 

Mike had all the charisma of a snake but somehow still managed to be adored. Whether it was his rude, obnoxious and frequently insulting cocky humour, or the naughty bad boy image the public loved, no one knew. Mike was unique and risky; a man daring to be different within an old and stuffy system. Always loving the endless avenues for pleasure NY had to offer he’d arrived at Table 50 to be quickly escorted into a booth, where he could be plied with drinks, girls, guys and drugs. 

 

 

Normally, Mike had no complaints with this, but tonight he was feeling bored and looking for a challenge; eyes roaming, like a hunter, it wasn’t long before he’d singled Jared out. That was his prize tonight, a muscled god of exquisite perfection. From the far fringes of the dance floor he sipped his drink; scotch over ice, wondering how those lithe long limbs would look sprawled out on his bed. Would the tell-tale tease of muscle, hinted at by the snugly fitting, pink shirt, be as firm beneath his fingers? Would this cavorting man be as wild and free when fucking him? 

 

 

Knocking back liquid fire and pushing a half naked brunette from his lap, Mike decided that there was only one way in which to find out. And this was one of the many reasons the name Rosenbaum was so successful in his job and his personal life. He never, ever sent a lackey in his place. Mike wanted something he went for it; bowling through and over anyone that stood between him and his desired prize. Jared was doomed from the second Mike Rosenbaum had spotted him.

 

 

Jared, blissfully unaware of the scrutiny he’d been under, also didn’t notice as Mike pushed through his own contingent and struggled through the crowd of heaving dancers. While gyrating madly with a strange tattooed girl with pink hair and a sailor boy pin up’s dream, Jared was lost inside the music. 

 

 

He didn’t register a thing until Mike came up behind him, hand slipping around his waist as a smooth honeyed voice growled into his ear. “Who are you?” Mike’s hot breath tickled, sending an unexpected and uncontrollable spike of lust shooting through Jared’s body.

 

 

“Who’s asking?” Jared gasped, quickly spinning within the strangers arms.

 

 

“Who’d you like me to be?” Mike liked games and if this fine specimen of a man wanted to play, well he could more than accommodate for that.

 

 

Jared squinted, blocking out the dazzle of the DJ’s lights. “Dunno, someone rich and famous that can put me on the map.” He smiled, so flirting with guys was new but that didn’t mean he couldn’t try.

 

 

Mike appreciating his efforts gave a belly laugh, the sound reverberating above the noise. “I think I qualify on all three counts, so how about me and you take this somewhere a little more personal?”

 

 

Jared stopped dancing and stared in surprise, that was a definite come on if ever he’d heard it. “Am I going to regret this?” The words were out before Jared could stop himself. Damn, maybe Chad did have a point. He certainly had loose lips.

 

 

“Depends,” Mike looked him up and down. “How bad do you want recognition? And how much do you want to stick your dick in my ass?”

 

 

Frozen, Jared couldn’t think of a single thing to say. It wasn’t a total shock that this was where their conversation had been heading, but in terms of Jared screwing guys he’d got almost no experience to call on. An odd fumble in a darkened locker room during his teens hardly qualified him to please a man. As Jared looked this stranger up and down he felt light headed. At first he hadn’t recognised him with all the dazzling lights and with the outfit he was wearing; tight black jeans which looked like they’d been spray painted on with a simple t-shirt slashed open across his stomach. But the shaved head and cocky smile, combined with cold calculating eyes that were stripping Jared bare seemed achingly familiar and then the penny dropped. 

 

 

“You’re ….” Jared spluttered, cut off immediately by Mike’s lips locked onto his own.

 

 

“Horny,” Mike said clinically, as his hands slid up the inside of Jared’s shirt.

 

 

Jared flinched, as shockingly cold hands caressed his ribs, and he was in no doubt this was Mike Rosenbaum. He looked a million miles removed from his usual sophisticated elegance of cashmere coat and Armani suit, but there was no way to hide the confident swagger. This was the man who with one stroke of his pen or the tap of a keyboard could decimate someone’s career. Numerous celebrities had seen their names tarnished by his column and a few even be persuaded into dubious sexual practices that always ended up in a glossy publication. And now this guy, this lowlife of Hollywood glamour, was in Table 50 feeling Jared up.

 

 

In some strange way, even to Jared, it was oddly exciting to be mauled in the middle of a night club, by a man who had to be the country’s most notorious entertainment hack. Exciting and disturbing because as much as Jared felt the sharp edge of lust, he also burned with the utter horror that he hated everything this Mike Rosenbaum stood for.

 

 

Mike seemed aware of where Jared’s thoughts were taking him. “What’s your name?”

 

 

“Jared…..Jared Padalecki.”

 

 

“Okay, Jared and why the troubled frown? You don’t like sex or something?”

 

 

“Or something,” Jared admitted, shivering as Mike raked his nails across his back.

 

 

“So tell me, Jared how famous and rich do you want to be? Cos, I’ve got to tell you, I can make it happen, just like that.” He firmly squeezed Jared’s balls.

 

 

Feeling conspicuous for the first time, Jared glanced around, but the floor was full of pulsing bodies and their little groping session had largely gone unnoticed.

 

 

“Come on J..a..r..e..d, out with it,” Mike sing songed over his name. Almost tasting each letter carefully. Smiling when he liked the flavour.

 

 

“I’m an artist,” Jared was forced to speak through gritted teeth, willing his cock to not misbehave.

 

 

“An artist? Well lucky, lucky me. You’re bound to be a fantastic fuck. All that pent up emotion struggling to express it’s self.”

 

 

“I take photographs.” Jared snapped as bluntly as he could, raising his voice over the new pounding beat.

 

 

Mike laughed. “Awesome, another fuckin’ hack!”

 

 

“NO. I’m not like you!” Breathing deeply Jared struggled to get free of Mike, whilst scanning desperately for Chad.

 

 

“Ouch. Sore point, eh?” Mike chewed his lip. “Look, Jared,” he explained politely. “I get it. I seriously do. I was like you once, all passion, all hopes and dreams. But you’ve got to know hanging onto to that kinda shit it’s not gonna be the making of you.”

 

 

Jared had heard enough, seen enough and damn well felt enough! Sharply reminding himself that this man had ruined lives and made money from it, Jared pulled free. The stifling heat was sucking what little air was around him and the jostling bodies constantly shoving him towards Mike began to irritate. Jared, suddenly, needed the cold snap of an exhaust fume filled city and not the oppressive scent of aftershave and lure of sex. But as he turned to leave, Mike grabbed Jared’s arm, pulling him off balance to fall flush against his chest.

 

 

“You gotta play the game, hot stuff. Be smarter and pushier than anyone else. Get your name in big bold lights and then when you’ve made it, then you can pick up your dreams.” Mike was growing tired of Jared’s hard to get routine, they were both consenting adults and quite frankly he wanted a fuck tonight. “Come on Jared make up your mind. Chances like this don’t come up often.”

 

 

Despite the shiver of arousal filtering through his body, Jared was fighting hard against it. No good could or would come out of any liaison with Rosenbaum. Not now. Not ever. But….and that was the problem there was a but. This was an offer Jared could almost not refuse to take. Although Mike was everything that Jared despised, having sold out his talent in favour of a glitzy life style, he could be the big break Jared had been searching for. But didn’t Jared have more principles than that? Was he really prepared to stoop so low? 

 

 

But Mike hadn’t reached the dizzy heights of paparazzi stardom without having a sharp eye for hesitation and a wicked sense of timing for taunting someone’s pride. Oh, yes Mike had skill and he turned it full force on Jared. He wanted an adventure with this fresh faced and fuckable young man, and ‘no’ didn’t figure into any plans he had tonight.

 

 

“Listen.” Mike dropped his voice low and purred into Jared’s ear. “I know how you feel, but a small sacrifice now could see you crack open a window of opportunity.”

 

 

Jared looked scathing. Mike went for the kill.

 

 

“How about you and I take it back to my place, and in the morning you can show me some of your pictures?” 

 

 

“You want to see my work?” Jared was suspicious. “What’s in it for you?”

 

 

“Dude, I’m down for a blow job and a good few inches of that enormous cock, I know you gotta be packin’! I’d say I got the better part of the deal. All you got is someone to agree to look at your etchings!”

 

 

Distasteful as Mike Rosenbaum was he was also filthy rich and influential.

 

 

Jared didn’t stand a chance.

 

 

Letting Mike slide further into his body Jared, feeling no longer aroused, tensed as the older guy licked a stripe up the side of his neck. The element of truth in Mike’s words sitting heavily in his stomach, right beside the cold knowledge that Chad was always bailing him out. Would it be a huge smirch upon his honour if he let this Rosenbaum have his way? Would he not ultimately triumph as the winner, with his ideals still intact? And wouldn’t it be awesome to not have Murray as his saviour everyday of the freakin’ week?

 

 

The possibility of not having anyone as significant within his grasp again; Mike a mere 24 hours from reviewing Jared’s photographic genius proving too irresistible.

 

 

Jared nodded. “Okay, let’s do it.”

 

 

Jared left the club on the coat tails of the devil. By this time tomorrow the man who had gone to Table 50, wouldn’t be the same one who came home again.


	3. Chapter 3

Is this the role that you wanted to live? 

I was foolish to ask for so much.

 

Joy Divison - Passover

 

 

 

 

Present Day

 

 

Jared shivers, unsure if it’s from the memory of re-living his meeting with the man who changed his life, or if it’s the biting wind finally penetrating his stricken mind. Either way the feeling’s not pleasant. Dazed he clings against a post, it’s a beam which supports the bridge and it’s ironic that it’s the final lifeline of Jared Padalecki. Ironic but that’s not unusual for his life. Everything he’s done these past few years have been a sarcastic mockery of his values. Those early day’s with Mike Rosenbaum feel so long ago but in all honesty they’re not.

 

 

If Mike were around today he would have mocked Jared for a fool, and he’d have had every right to do so. While Jared has played many of Mike’s favoured games, he’s never become re-attached to the emotions that would see him hesitate over slicing through someone’s life.

 

 

In fact Mike Rosenbaum was the epitome of how to drive ambition and a bank account to its utmost limit. Mike Rosenbaum would never be seen on a bridge alone, feeling more, sorry than he’s ever felt before.

 

 

 

 

Five Years Ago

 

 

For Jared, entering the lair of Satan’s pet; that was better known as Mike’s apartment was an eye opener. While Jared understood the concept that by having money a person would be afforded a lifestyle beyond the ordinary man, seeing it with his own eyes was quite a different thing. Sure, he knew there would be a multitude of high end and state of the art gadgets and he wasn’t shocked by plush furnishings. They were the normal everyday trophies, like the impressive array of sports cars and off road trucks, which lining the massive garage, or the rows and rows of CD’s that commandeered a whole bedroom.

 

 

But what Jared hadn’t foreseen was much of Rosenbaum’s penthouse apartment was nothing like the vision of his dreams.

 

 

Yes, it there were huge plasma screen TV’s in every room, but in the lounge, next to three impressive cream leather sofas’s, stood a baby grand; the black wood polished to a fine sheen that sparkled even within the ambient lighting. There were shelves and shelves of neatly stacked books with leather spines, first editions of literary genius and poems that Jared was sure were in every language. The whole place spoke of sophistication tapped with an elegance that was at striking odds with the man whom Jared had met tonight.

 

 

And as Jared gaped in open admiration, Mike sneered. “What you think because I sold out I haven’t got an eye for style?”

 

 

“Um….yes…..no…..shit, I don’t know.” Jared stammered. “It’s this.” He gestured all around him. “Its not ‘you’ or….it’s not the ‘you’ I expected.”

 

 

Mike looked more amused than offended, as if he’d heard the same words once too often. “Want a drink before we get down to business?” All sharp edges and business like he crossed over to a long, dark lacquered bar at the far end of the lounge. “Whiskey, gin, beer? Name your poison Jared.”

 

 

“You.” Jared’s heart leapt into his mouth.

 

 

Holding Jared’s eyes as he poured another shot of fine malt scotch, Mike pursed his lips thoughtfully. “Guess I’m the big bad in your book, huh? So, why you here? You so desperate to make it big?”

 

 

Jared didn’t answer.

 

 

“Come on Jared, cat got your tongue?” Mike swallowed his drink in one and provocatively stalked back to Jared, who had become fixated with the parquet floor.

 

 

“I know this will sound big headed but I know I’m good at what I do.” Jared raised his eyes., “What chance do I have of getting noticed?” He pulled a bitter face. “My best friend keeps a roof over my head every month because basically I’m broke. I may not like you or anything you stand for, but I figure that some of what you said was true.”

 

 

Mike raised an eyebrow. “Well, well. Good on you, Jared. Nice to see there are guys out there who actually have a plan in life. You’re the first in a very long line that’s come back here, that knows what he wants to get from this. I might just help you out after all.”

 

 

Jared stared numbly, aware that Mike had obviously gone back on many of his promises.

 

 

“Jar…..Ed;” Mike ran his right index finger up Jared’s arm. “You’re way better than any of the faceless fucks I’ve brought back so far. Let’s see if you have the guts to see this through.” 

 

 

“This a one time shot?” Jared needed to be certain what he was playing for.

 

 

Mike softly kissed his lips. “Maybe, maybe not. At this point it’s ‘very’ hard to say,” and he snatched up Jared’s hand shoving it roughly over his groin, emphasising that the time for words had passed. “Show me what you’ve got Jared, you’ve got one night of my undivided attention.”

 

 

****

 

 

That night in Mike’s bed, Jared had learned many, many things, and while most people would leer and make references to hot and dirty sex, Jared knew that wasn’t the biggest half of it.

 

 

Yes, he’d learned the fine art of sucking a guy off, and how to keep Mike rolling on and off the brink of orgasm, but that wasn’t all. In between the bouts of frenzied fucking there was calm before the storm started up again. Mike had lain across Jared’s chest, smoking a joint and drinking scotch. In another world where he wasn’t a famous journalist it might actually feel quite normal and relaxed. Lying on a bed of scarlet satin sheets, feeling hot and sticky, Jared discovered that somewhere deep inside Mike did have a soul, as he regarded Jared softly through pleasure filled, sleepy eyes. The bedroom had a slightly chilled feel with a night breeze drifting through from an open window, and shadows danced across the walls and ceiling from the pale yellowed light of the bedside lamps. It was eerie in a silent and mesmerising way, a hidden cocoon of pleasure amongst the madness of the city.

 

 

“You think too much,” Mike complained, exhaling smoke in Jared’s face.

 

 

Jared smiling, rolled over on his back. “You think? It’s not like I have sex with guys every night in a hope to boost my job prospects! All this.” He pinched Mike’s thigh. “This is a bit far out for me.” 

 

 

Mike chuckled, “I’ll let you in on a secret Jared. This is how I started my career.”

 

 

“Seriously?”

 

 

Mike nodded, dragging deep on the joint. “I was 21, and desperate to have it all. Man, was that one sharp wake up call! There I was, second night in LA, impaled on a fat fucker of an Editor’s dick to get my first crappy job.” 

 

 

“Huh! And I thought the casting couch was for Hollywood wannabes!” Jared paused. “Hey, this you’re doing to me?” He couldn’t bear to look across at Mike.

 

 

“What? Giving you a job? Nah, more like an audition.”

 

 

There was humour in Mike’s voice as he stubbed out his smoke and reached for Jared’s face. “You are one sweet thing with a killer body. I kinda like you Jared.”

 

 

Jared rolled his eyes, expecting Mike was humouring him. “Yeah, yeah, sure. I’m just everybody’s favourite.” 

 

 

It was those next few minutes that engraved themselves forever inside Jared’s mind; when the line between hateful hack and Mike Rosenbaum blurred. Jared had expected anything but kindness, and certainly nothing that resembled something beyond initial attraction. 

 

 

But Mike surprised him.

 

 

Slowly, he kissed his way up Jared’s shoulder, whispering as he went, “I look at you and I see who I was 10 years ago. I want to make you someone Jared. I’m gonna put your name in lights, but it’ll be up to you if you wanna keep it there.”

 

 

Jared, speechless turned into Mike’s caress and the pact was sealed. It wasn’t done with fucking it was done with bordering admiration and maybe a little bit of lust.

 

 

****

 

 

Jared wondered if Mike would recognise him now. Would he still feel captivated by the darkness in his soul? After all wasn’t that which had pulled the journalist in from the beginning; their two kindred souls connecting? 

 

 

But Mike had kept to his word, going downtown to the small, dirty studio where Jared made his living. Cashmere and silk amid the rampant decay of mould and dust. It had made Jared chuckle to see Mike tiptoeing gingerly up the rotten staircase, past peeling wallpaper and used needles scattered on the floor. 

 

 

But once inside the crappy makeshift studio Rosenbaum’s eyes had opened wide. Over cracking plaster and bare brick, Jared had hung artful scenes of industrial magnificence alongside tired old men and bald rubber tyres. They stood boldly in thoughtful sequence, a skewed outlook on America today. 

 

 

Mike said very little, but he held Jared eyes with a broad smile and nodded. 

 

 

Jared sighed relieved. At least selling his soul to the devil was going to reap him some reward.

 

 

“Nice work Jared. I can see why you’ve got your panties in a twist. All that emotive energy really shows in these pictures. Do you always shoot in black and white?”

 

 

Jared, fingers itching to protect his work, as Mike handled the prints which had been painstakingly laid out on a metal counter rather carelessly, shrugged. “I like the pureness of the picture. How it makes the subject full of depth.”

 

 

“Whatever,” Mike sighed, disinterested in the technical artsy jargon. “You’re good I’ll give you that, but this, it’s just fanciful indulgence. To get yourself noticed you need famous faces splashed in colour. Jared, honestly you’ve got the look to fit into the inner celebrity circles and you’ve got the ambition. So, how about it? You gonna snap me something worth my while?”

 

 

“Such as?” This sounded ominous.

 

 

Mike grinned wolfishly. “Something dirty. Some stars dick in the wrong hands, or maybe a pretty starlet’s mouth giving head.”

 

 

Jared’s jaw dropped open. “Your crazy!”

 

 

“Me? No, I’m a business man, and you need to learn to be. I’ll show you the ropes for a little while and put your name out there. It’ll make sure you get a call from one of my contacts, when one of those celebrity idiots falls off the wagon. But you’ll need to network and build up some good people of your own. In this job it’s all about who you know.”

 

 

“Chad,” Jared blurted. And as Mike looked confused he hurriedly explained. “Chad’s an accountant and my best mate, he’s got a lot of rich clients and I think some of them are celebrities.”

 

 

Mike winked, as he threw off his coat and sauntered into Jared’s dark room. “Good boy, I like the way your mind thinks.” He clicked on a dull red bulb and smirked, “There’s a photographic journalist in there somewhere.”

 

 

Jared pleased with the affirmation didn’t register that he’d put Chad’s name up to be used, and he also raised no objections when Mike decided that Jared’s darkroom was the next place to fuck him.

 

 

****

 

 

Chad, eyebrows hitting the ceiling when Jared finally made it home, had a firm set to his jaw that told Jared instantly, he knew who Jared gone off with.

 

 

“Mike Rosenbaum?” Yeah, Chad was on the money alright.

 

 

“Leave it Murray.”

 

 

Chad, being Chad and a better friend than Jared deserved, couldn’t. “Dude, you do not blow me off after leaving me in a club while you bunk off with a celebrity hack! What happened to your principles?”

 

 

Jared annoyed, tired and feeling rather dirty, he’d had no time to shower properly at Mike’s, as the man hadn’t taken his hands off him long enough for Jared to get clean, wasn’t in the mood. “Fuck my principles I can always find them later!”

 

 

It could have been seconds or maybe minutes but the silence seemed to stretch forever until Murray’s mug dropped from nerveless fingers, bouncing with a dull thud across the carpet; coffee spilling everywhere. “Jay, you did not just say that!”

 

 

But Jared had and for one tiny fraction of a second it made him pause. And if he could have taken a snapshot of his life then Jared would have known that this was another of those life defining moments. For an endless ticking minute Jared wondered, had he just said that to Chad? Did he care? 

 

 

Nervously, Jared picking at his finger nails, seemed hesitant to tarnish the few remaining spots not already sullied by Mike. “Look I spent the night with Rosenbaum, it’s not like I’m a freakin’ saint. He came over to the studio this morning. You get that Mike Rosenbaum in my studio! Fuck it’s huge. I mean he’s massive and he thinks I’m worth a shot! And get this he’s slipping some work my way so I won’t have to come begging to you to keep my ass of the street at night.”

 

 

Chad, however, in surprising adult form, burst Jared’s bubble. “Yeah, I bet he’s slipping you something! Fuck, Jay it’s not like I care that you’re broke. I like you fine the way you are, but that Rosenbaum he’s bad news man.”

 

 

Stripping off his jacket and chucking it down on Chad’s threadbare sofa, Jared shrugged, “Dude, made a lot of sense to me.” If Jared sounded a little off it’s because he was tired right? I mean, Chad couldn’t have a point, could he? 

 

 

But it was staring at that same threadbare sofa, Jared had sat on back in college that solidified his determination to trust the devils hack.

 

 

Chad looking into Jared’s eyes caught the truth of it. Whatever Mike had said to Jared, Jared had bought into too well. 

 

 

“I don’t believe you. Jay, please….”

 

 

Chad’s protests fell on profoundly deaf ears, as Jared with a last glance at the ratty cushions and grimy room stormed off upstairs to bed. 

 

 

It was as if meeting Mike had been opening a door to a sealed off room, a forbidden place packed with gilded lies and false ambitions. 

 

 

And Chad, who could only watch, stared in utter frustration as he prayed Jared wouldn’t be counting the cost of shacking up with Mike Rosenbaum just yet.

 

 

Present Day

 

 

Raising his head towards the heavens, rain splashing heavily on his face, Jared blinked, letting the stain of two years serving as Mike Rosenbaum’s apprentice wash away.

 

 

He’d had 24 months of nose to the grind stone, with no time for sleep or any sort of social life. Except for the occasional warming of the one notorious journalist’s bed. Jared was spending his weeks flying from city to city in the hunt for scandal and indiscretion. With Mike’s backing he’d seen doors open into powerful inner circles Jared had only dreamed existed. And bit by bit he was gradually, winning confidences he didn’t deserve and making contacts he used with sex. 

 

And yeah, that was different. At least to him No longer playing the straight man Jared quickly learned that his most useful tool, apart from his camera, was his body. 

 

 

Young, fit and healthy Jared had the winsome innocence and charming personality to gain him access into numerous beds. Ageing female stars wilted at his touch, powerful Directors giving him free access to their stars, while rich and influential men and women hungered for his ability to ruin their competitors with the snap of his camera lens.

 

 

In five long and gruelling days, where he hardly slept and forgot to eat, Jared staked out his first target. An ‘A’ list star of the highest calibre who was throwing a house warming party. Jared had spent the day and long into the night consuming coffee after coffee. And it was humbling for him as he peed in plastic bottles and got the headache from hell squinting in the dying sunshine. But it was worth it. In the small hours of the night patience had paid off. With a shaking finger he'd snapped the shot and hit his headline: Mr ‘A list’ star caught mid grapple with his boy and girl friend. 

 

Two hours later and Jared had been slapped with a lawsuit and a threat of prosecution if he published. 

 

 

Mike had lapped it up. “You’re in Jared. Doesn’t matter that it won’t hit the press, the whole industry knows you’ve got it. You succeeded where those fat and lazy piranha’s failed. Gonna be in demand now boy.”

 

 

He could hear Mike’s words stretching over time to numb his bones and in the rationale of his impending death, Jared smiled. Yes, he had huge regrets but that first bite had been incredible. An overpowering rush of knowing that he’d made it. No matter what the cost, for a brief snapshot, there had never been a sweeter taste than that split second.

 

 

But like all sweet things they leave a sickly flavour cloying on his tongue. Attaining Rosenbaum’s ambition had been all Jared had focused on for two whole years. But now he was on his own. Cut loose and torn between following his dreams or lining his deep pockets. 

 

It's like having the choice between Museli for breakfast and a good old fashioned fry up.

 

 

 

Weaker than he’d felt all night Jared stumbled, one foot slipping on wet concrete to dangle over the abyss. And as frightening and as heart pounding as it is, it's also a liberating moment. It’s a rush of feeling that he’s free and for a second Jared contemplates just letting go. 

 

 

But he can’t. 

 

 

Not yet. 

 

 

He has to face everything in his life and the main reason he’s been driven to this point.

 

 

What had started at Table 50 all that time ago escalated swiftly as soon as Jared was reunited with Chad.

 

 

Three Years Ago

 

 

“Jared!” Chad swooped the minute he'd spied his old friend coming to his door.

 

 

It was nice and comforting that Chad had missed him but, “Whoa, I know you’re pleased to see me I guess, but isn’t this a little bit OTT even for you?” Jared’s easy laughter wrapping around his slighter friend, they hadn’t seen much of each other in the intervening years; a pit stop here and there, a quick gossip on the phone.

 

 

Chad’s voice, head buried beneath Jared’s arm, was muffled, and if Jared wasn’t mistaken it sounded strained and tight. “I’m glad you’re here.”

 

 

“Okay, okay what’s got you so torn up? I told you I’d be back today.”

 

 

But Chad didn’t answer, holding tighter on to Jared’s jacket.

 

 

“Chad? Man, what’s up? You had bad news from home? Come on dude, spill.” Holding Chad at arms length from his chest, Jared searched Murray’s eyes.

 

 

“You’ve not seen the news?” Chad’s voice sounded small.

 

 

“News? What?” a tingle of fear itched over Jared’s skin, had there been a plane crash with one of their family on board?

 

 

Chad sighed, “Its Rosenbaum.”

 

 

“Mike? But I just talked to him a couple of hours ago; don’t tell me he’s been busted soliciting again!”

 

 

But the tension in Chad’s shoulder told another story. “He’s been shot, outside some swanky bistro.”

 

 

“He’s dead?” it almost wasn’t a question, because Jared’s first thought was out his mouth and running for the door.

 

 

“No. No. Critical and undergoing surgery, but…..”

 

 

“Fuck! Fuck!” Jared swore, springing free from Chad, “who would…..shit…..I can’t believe this….I… fuck not Mike! He’s indestructible.” He began pacing frantically, fists clenched. “Shit, shit.” 

 

 

Back in Hollywood, Jared would have smashed something. Let loose an impressive temper in a fit of pique. But this was Chad’s home. Not his. Chad's home still lacking anything worth breaking.

 

 

Chad’s face fell. “You can’t believe it? Jared, are you serious?”

 

 

Jared’s froze, eyebrows drawn together.

 

 

“Jay, the man’s fucked over everyone in Hollywood and a few other places too. It was only a matter of time before one of his victims decided to off his ass!” Was this Jared? Was this designer jean and jacket man his friend? 

 

 

Sadly, Chad knew it was. This was their endless argument; Jared shacking up with the devil and applying his art to little more than prostitution.

 

 

“Not now Murray.”

 

 

But Chad had been ignored enough. He’d been treated like a doormat and little like the friend he truly was, “Then when, Jay? When you’ve got a bullet in your belly or a damned knife in your own back? Do you realise that you’ve got your name tagged alongside Mike’s? That you could be 'took' out next?” Chad was positively brimming with anger, fear and astonishment. 

 

 

Jared face darkened as he pushed past Murray, bolting cursing for the kitchen, “Fuck you Chad! I’m back aren’t I! Do you really think that this is the best time to pull my job to pieces?” Damn it,why couldn’t the guy leave the fuck well alone?

 

 

Chad followed spouting fire, and as Jared jerked the refrigerator open and grabbed a beer, Chad kicked the door shut narrowly missing Jared’s hand. “I never understood what Mike’s attraction was for you. I’ve always wondered if he’d blackmailed you into bed or some sort of shit. Jared you always swore that this wasn’t what you wanted and now look at you. Is it drugs? Is that it? Dude it’s not worth it. He’s not worth it!”

 

 

Taking a long cold drink, the refreshing burn of alcohol biting the back of his throat, Jared scowled, was this man, the same Chad who called himself a friend? Did he think that Jared’s job was a long line of cocaine just itching to be sniffed? “I came back didn’t I? I can do what I want now. I can pursue my dream. Mike gave me that! Dude I owe him!”

 

 

“You owe him shit!”

 

 

The dam broke; as the last words Chad spoke to Jared for three months, bubbled over. 

 

 

Without warning, Jared threw a punch, connecting hard with Murray’s jaw.

 

 

Chad flew back into the tiny kitchen table and dropped, slumping awkwardly. It was over in a second but to Jared it lasted a thousand years. He could see in slow motion as his fist connected and Murray’s mouth dropped open. 

 

 

Holy fuck! Had he done that? No. he couldn’t have! This was big. Like Mike Tyson big! 

 

 

But Jared could only stare in numb fascination as blood spurted from Chad’s lip; the tiny particles spraying up and over clothes. The visual followed by a strong metallic flavour that was bitter tasting, and Jared stumbled half in shock. 

 

 

He’d hit Chad! His friend. Chad Michael Murray. And as quickly as he’d reacted, Jared took an uneven step backwards and waited for the aftermath to hit. 

 

They became wrapped in a discordant and uneasy moment known as silence. A silence that was stretched thin and filled with furious emotion, fleshed out in rasping breaths from Chad and muffled sorry’s from Jared. It was the longest moment of Jared’s life; both men breathing hard as Chad coughed and spat out blood.

 

 

“I’d better go,” Jared whispered, tossing his beer into the sink. “I’ll…..” he side stepped Murray’s feet. “I’ll see you.” Jared knew he sounded lame.

 

 

As Jared clicked the door shut he closed a chapter of his life. The last fragile thread to the man he’d been before snapping as he turned his back on Chad. 

 

 

He’d become many things in those two years: apprentice, photographer, fellow hack but none that Jared regretted more than the title of 'former friend'. But if Chad couldn’t understand then Jared had no time for him. 

 

 

Mike was on Jared's pedestal and Mike needed him.

 

 

Whatever happened to Jared Padalecki would come limping home a sad and lonely last. 

 

 

Dedication and devotion became Jared’s middle names over the next six months. Stuck as Mike’s mouthpiece to the world he fielded questions, held press conferences and basically took over the running of Mike’s column. And as Mike slowly recovered thanks to prescription medication, class ‘A’ drugs, shrinks and painstaking hours of physical therapy, Jared knew he could never return to what he thought of as his old life. Jared was sinking and drowning fast. Scarred by his infidelities and burned by belligerent indifference. 

 

 

Jared had bought a one way ticket on a train that was bound for hell, and anyone who crossed his path soon found their ticket similarly punched. As Jared was to discover, when he met the icon of the moment – Jensen Ross Ackles.


	4. Chapter 4

It's savage and it's cruel

And it shines like destruction

\- Eurythmics - Love Is A Stranger

 

Never a lover of cold November nights, or of working late with fussy and demanding editors, Jared arrived, at around 10 pm at Mike’s New York apartment, surprisingly upbeat with a stack of magazines tucked beneath his arm.

 

His rather cheery mood quickly noted by Mike Rosenbaum’s eagle eyes, “What’s turned you into Mr Sunshine?” 

 

Jared, who normally hated the piranha pool of editorial bigwigs, was positively glowing, as he hugged Mike enthusiastically and gave him a sloppy kiss on the cheek.

 

“Urgh, you’re wet!” Mike wrinkled his nose in disgust.

 

Jared grinned, “It’s raining,” shaking his wet hair like a dog.

 

Mike rolled his eyes, quickly relieving Jared of his coat and gloves before the dripping items could completely ruined his beloved hardwood floor. He muttered curses all the way to through to the kitchen about over grown puppies and muddy feet. 

 

By the time he returned, armed with drinks, Jared was hunched over on the couch enthusiastically thumbing through his pile of magazines.

 

“Dude you should see these pictures!” 

 

Huffing, Mike leaned across Jared’s shoulder, “Okay, what fascinating Barbie doll has made you turn my apartment into a newsstand? If you’ve gone and missed a scoop Jay, I’m gonna deep fry your balls and feed them to you!”

 

Pulling a sour face, Jared tapped one of the front covers, “Him! Have you seen this guy? He’s like – wow!”

 

This was normally one of their playful moments where Mike poked fun of Jared, and berated him on his crush. But this time it all fell flat, and instead Rosenbaum became oddly silent. 

 

“Mike? Are you okay?” Shifting to look up at Mike, Jared grabbed his wrist before he could pull away.

 

Mike wasn’t willing though as he shrugged Jared off. If there was one thing in his life the journalist hated more than any other - it was competition. And this guy, the one who had Jared sitting bug eyed and blushing was more than an opponent. 

 

He was the enemy. 

 

Taking a long swallow of his drink, Mike turned towards the window and stared at the twinkling lights of Brooklyn in the distance. His voice oddly hushed as he cleared his throat, “His name’s Jensen. Jensen Ross Ackles.”

 

Jared nodded, fingers unconsciously stroking over the glossy shots. “Yeah, it says he’s an actor. I take it you’ve heard of him?”

 

Mike snorted, “Heard of him? Jared, there’s hardly anyone alive that’s not heard of Jensen Ackles!” He raised an eyebrow, “Except you it seems.”

 

“Fuck! How did I miss this?” Jared pulled a face and stared at Jensen’s image with open admiration. “I’ve been working all the top events and I’ve not seen his face before!” 

 

Mike frowned. Jared was backing him in to a difficult position. To divulge how he knew Jensen wasn’t one of his proudest moments. But to say nothing…..well that could mean letting Jared wander off unarmed into the lions den.

 

Jensen Ackles was a predator, and without question, one of the most desirable and eligible young actors to emerge from the US within the last decade; winning the hearts of male and female fans alike through his sweet charm and enticing sensuality. Jensen was a soulful loner who had defied the Hollywood machine, rising to the top of his profession by doing it the hard way. Proving he had talent by shining in his roles, despite atrocious scripts and a woefully bad cast. He was one of those unique people, who through hard work and dedication, had become universally adored. 

 

And it was Jensen’s meteoric rise to fame that had put the shadows in Mike Rosenbaum’s eyes. 

 

“Just before he finished his last film, there were several rumours followed by a photograph,” Mike whispered softly. “Jensen had a ‘friend’ on set who made some accusations that America’s heartthrob was playing fast and loose with guys.”

 

Jared laughed, “Isn’t Hollywood all about who’s fucking who? Especially the gay guys who pretend they’re straight?”

 

“Hollywood is certainly, but Jensen….no.”

 

Jared’s head snapped up, staring at Mike’s tense shoulders, “What aren’t you telling me? Have you….was Jensen one of your toys?”

 

It would have been nice to have admitted it was that simple, but in truth it wasn’t. Mike looked sadly at the hopeful sparkle in Jared’s eyes and the unconscious way his fingers traced Jensen’s outline. The damn boy had it bad, and he’d only been looking at a photograph. 

 

“Don’t go there Jared,” he warned. “Take it from me, it’s a bad idea and you’ll only end up broken.”

 

“Mike…..” Jared’s protest was hushed by a grim smile and an oppressive feeling that an omen of doom had swept over the entire apartment building. It chilled Jared to the bone. With Jensen’s mesmerising picture cradled in his arms - taunting and tantalizing him, he shivered. 

 

“What happened?” Jared, felt moved and disturbed enough, to stand close beside Mike. Stroking gentle fingers down his cheek; holding back a startled breath when his thumb became inexplicably wet. 

 

These were scalding tears that simply couldn’t be held in check. Wave after wave of memories were assaulting Mike as he looked into the faces of old ghosts. This was everything he’d done his best to avoid, but ultimately couldn’t. After so long, they were now being shoved brutally underneath Mike’s nose by an exuberant Jared Padalecki.

 

“Jay….” Mike’s voice wavered, and he took a drink. “Jensen’s trouble and he doesn’t take kindly to anyone messing with his life. He….the person that took the pictures was just a small town guy looking for a break, a ‘nobody’ journalist who simply happened to be in the wrong place at the right time.” Mike tapped his glass, “Jensen got busted in glorious technicolor with his tongue down some guy’s throat. And that was major bad press for all his movie deals, so he used his power and his influence to get the picture tagged as just a hoax. The journalist was discredited and kicked out of his job.”

 

“Fuck, that’s harsh! 

 

Mike turned cold dead eyes on Jared, “The journalist was ruined and was forced to work with the real dregs of the gutter press, writing pathetic columns about 2 headed aliens from Mars. Any chance of getting his portfolio taken seriously was gone in one clean snap.”

 

Mike,” Jared asked hesitantly, suddenly, full of fear, “Was this journalist….was it you?”

 

Mike nodded, “Yeah, it was. Jay. Jensen ruined my chances of following my dreams. And you know, what’s really weird, I can see the similarity in what he did to me, in what I’ve done to you. But you don’t have to do this any more.” Mike looked fiercely determined. “You’ve made it. Jared, you can pick a different path. You need to go back to your old life, and stay well away from this.”

 

With rain beating at the window pane and tears chasing down Mike’s cheeks, Jared felt his world tip sideways. When had Mike developed a conscience? How could he claim his life was ruined? 

 

Yes, he knew he was being screwed by Mike, and definitely in more than one way. But he had accepted that. Jared had made all of his choices and sure he had regrets, but who hasn’t?

 

“You didn’t make me do this,” he answered.

 

Mike’s lips twisted in a sneer, “Don’t be too sure of that Jay. I’m a pro and you were just a wide eyed boy.”

 

“I’m not a child!” Jared crumpled the magazine between with fingers.

 

Dragging his gaze away from the window to look into Jared’s eyes, Mike regarded his protégée thoughtfully. “You’re already obsessed with Jensen. And no,” Mike held up a hand warningly, “don’t deny it. I can see it in your face. But if you want to help; help me move past this, it’s not going to be easy.”

 

“Anything,” Jared swore vehemently.

 

Releasing the magazine from Jared’s nerveless fingers, Mike tossed it to the floor. “Okay. We’ll do this, but first…..first I want to fuck. I want to forget for toight that Jensen Ackles even exists.”

 

Jared moved by the humanity he’d seen in Mike tonight nodded and kissed him passionately.

 

**** 

 

It was in the quiet hours between night and day before either man resurfaced from a less than restful sleep.

 

“He’s been holed up in Vancouver,” Mike, unexpectedly, stated. 

 

Naked and lying on his side, Jared watched the shadows from the neon lights outside skim the lines of Mike’s face. “I take it you mean Jensen?” 

 

Mike nodded, rubbing distractedly against his aching side. He would always sport a long ragged scar where the surgeons had dug the bullet out, and it wasn’t a glory wound he would wear with any pride. “Jensen’s a fairly secretive type. He stays away from mainstream Hollywood. He’s not filmed a major movie in the US since all the scandal broke.”

 

Jared, yawning, stretched towards the bedside table, picking up the promotional pictures of ‘Speeding Bullet’ Jensen’s big budget action thriller due for release in two weeks time. With critical eyes, he admired Jensen’s symmetrical perfection and his gorgeous cat green eyes. The actor took ‘hot’ to a whole new level, and Jared could almost feel his charismatic ‘come fuck me’ smile oozing from the page. 

 

“You’ve got one hell of a boy crush, Jared,” Mike drawled. “I can’t say I blame you. My ruin might have been worth it, if I’d been fucking him myself.”

 

“So, you never did?” Jared winced at how that sounded.

 

If Mike noticed, however, he simply shrugged it off. “No. Jensen’s well protected and I’m not talking condoms here. Even before I caught him on camera he was always surrounded with an army of friends, including that freakin’ rotweiler Christian Kane.”

 

“Kane? Jared’s eyes widened. At last a name he recognised. “You mean ‘the’ bodyguard Kane? The same dude who put that weird guy in hospital?”

 

Mike reached for his cigarettes before lying back against his pillow, blowing lazy smoke circles. A habit that he knew Jared hated. “That weird guy, as you put it, was Misha Collins.” He purred the name with feeling. 

 

And oh yeah, Jared knew that tone. “Is there anyone apart from Jensen you haven’t fucked?”

 

Chuckling, Mike took another drag, “A few Jared, a few. Besides I’ve known Misha for many, many years. He’s a good guy if you can get past all the crazy.”

 

“He’s another actor, right?”

 

Mike inhaled deeply, “He is and quite a good one to. He would have been getting some really good roles but he crossed paths with Jensen. And that meant Kane stepped in and punished him for it. Chris got one mean and nasty temper, especially if he thinks someone’s fucking with his toy. Collins really should have known better than to have tried setting Jensen up.”

 

This sounded complicated on many levels. There was more to this story than what Mike had so far admitted. And it was noticeable in the hatred that was burned into every single one of his words. Mike, usually, an open book was concealing a wealth of anger, pain and disappointment. 

 

Jared, needing something to fortify him, got up and fixed them both a drink. After handing Mike his scotch, he let the fiery liquid scold across his tongue. “What happened with Collins? I heard rumours but….” Jared trailed off. Stretching his long limbs alongside Mike’s, padding fingers up his thigh.

 

Stealing a smoke filled kiss, Mike licked his mouth. “Collins is a bit like Jensen, all rugged prettiness and wicked lips.”

 

“Now, I know you’re talking from experience!” Jared snorted, eyes flicking to another picture of Jensen with his arms wrapped around a pretty, petite brunette.

 

Mike smirked, “Of course. You see, Collins’ problem is that he isn’t a main stream actor and he’s very unpredictable. The guy’s not frightened at being labelled ‘gay’ and he’s got this annoying habit of thinking everyone should be as liberal. I’ll say this about him though, the guy knows how to fuck.” He glanced teasingly at Jared. “You might want to try him out ‘cos he’s awesome in the sack!”

 

“Maybe,” Jared replied thoughtfully, fixated on the photos. “So, tell me what did this Collins do? How did he try it on with Ackles?”

 

Mike readjusted Jared’s arm until it was rubbing against his cock. “The whack job talked his way onto set one day and picked the lock on Jensen’s trailer. Misha took his fuckin’ clothes off and just lay there spread eagled, naked, waiting for Ackles to turn up.”

 

“Oh!”

 

“Yeah, oh!” Mike groaned as he reached over for some lube, drizzling a small amount in Jared’s hand. “It wasn’t Jensen that walked in though it was Kane. Misha had already been warned by Chris to back off at a benefit the previous month, but I guess the guy didn’t like having his ego crushed. Kane took one look at him and went bat shit crazy.”

 

Distracted by Mike making a beeline for his ass, Jared took some time to process, “Maybe Kane was jealous?” 

 

“Maybe and maybe not. Kane’s a lunatic and Misha would try it on with a plank of wood.” 

 

“Sounds like,” Jared gave Mike a long and dirty kiss, “that it’s about time someone dug a little deeper and uncovered Mister Ackles and thug boy Kane’s secrets.”

 

Mike’s returning smile was sickly sweet, “Jay, I like the way your mind works, but first let’s see if you can’t fuck me twice more tonight.”

 

****

 

Three months later, and Jared still hadn’t crossed paths with the elusive Jensen Ackles. And more annoyingly, Jared found Jensen’s billboard image staring down to mock at him in almost every city. 

 

But those three months of ‘no’ Jensen weren’t the most troubling of his issues. Jared hadn’t spent a night in Mike’s bed since the topic of said actor had come up. It wasn’t something that he questioned as it wasn’t the first time they’d paused in their strange relationship. But Jared knew instinctively, when Mike had opened up that night, they had crossed some forbidden unspoken line. 

 

This had been further underlined at their last meeting when Mike, a model of petulance in Armani, erupted into anger.

 

“Get out!” Mike hurled Jared’s Blackberry against his lounge wall. “I’m sick of you and those fuckin’ photos! There are more people in the world than Mr ‘Broom stuck up my ass Ackles!’ You haven’t delivered a single worthwhile shot all week. If you want to keep banging on about this pretty boy go hassle Collins. You two can fuck the shit out of each other while you compare notes!”

 

Jared, gazing forlornly at the remnants of his phone, hadn’t seen Mike this pissed before. 

 

“I want to get my life back on track and you do is bleat about a guy with an over inflated ego. I can’t hear this any more. You want him, go knock yourself out. Just remember you owe me some photos!” 

 

“You done?” Jared it seemed wasn’t through with tempting fate. Hadn’t he already promised Mike he would take Jensen down, no matter what the cost?

 

But Mike wasn’t playing any more. “Just go Jared. If I need anything I’ll call. Go play with Collins or stakeout Ackles. Fuck girls, dwarves or cows for all I care. But make sure you bring me something useable within the week.”

 

Jared had been dismissed like a naughty schoolboy who’d been caught with his hand inside the cookie jar. Leaving NYC on the next flight out, an armful of Jensen’s photos tucked beneath his arm, he’d begun making hasty plans. Ignoring the overly zealous attentions of the stewardesses, Jared studied the icon known as Jensen. He looked innocent enough, hardly the cold and calculating monster that Mike had made him out to be. But then in Jared’s line of work, and having Rosenbaum as a mentor, he knew full well appearances could be deceiving.

 

****

 

By the time his plane had landed in LAX, Jared’s mind had kicked into action. He’d always believed that the best way in solving any complex puzzle is to take the thing to pieces. And, while Jensen may not be the world’s most cooperative person, there was another man who could be able lift the lid on this explosive box of tricks.

 

Misha Collins - self confessed attention seeker and nutcase. A man who above all loved fame and flash bulbs; a man who had ran speeding into Jared’s open arms. For one cute guy, the dude was awful needy. 

 

On first meeting Misha, Jared hadn’t been bowled over. Especially, as Jared had arrived suited and booted only to find Misha at the door of his fairly modest apartment wearing ripped jeans, a ragged grey shirt with oil stains, and sporting a rough beard that told Jared he hadn’t shaved within the last three days.

 

“Motorbike,” Misha had replied by way of explanation, climbing into Jared’s truck.

 

And that was only the start of the randomness of Jared’s date with Misha Collins.

 

The drive to the restaurant was filed with small talk: How good the weather was. Why wasn’t there any decent music on the radio any more? It was aimless drivel and Jared had to wonder what Mike had seen in this guy. At least he would get a nice meal out of this meeting, or so Jared thought. Reality turned out to be much different, and dinner proved to be as unusual as the company. 

 

Instead of pulling up the swanky bistro, Jared had booked the day before, Misha had directed them through traffic to a little diner he frequented on the outskirts of LA. Jared took one look at it and said a little prayer. With peeling paintwork and a sign with missing letters, its description could best be termed as rough. But Misha didn’t appear to notice and bounded inside to grab a table, lounging quite happily on the red plastic seats. 

 

With a meal of chilli fries and strawberry milkshake, Jared’s bizarre night was a contest of wits, fielding Misha’s cheesiest smiles and unending innuendo. The guy was incredible and had no internal censor. As Misha cheerily dished the dirt on the celebrities he’d worked with and few more that he’d fucked, Jared wondered how Perez Hilton hadn’t snapped him up. Tucked away in semi darkness, four broken light bulbs completing the ambience for the night, Jared gritted his teeth as Misha began playing footsie under the table. 

 

“It’s good of you to meet me at short notice,” Jared growled.

 

Misha grinned mischievously, “Are you kidding me? You’re the paparazzi! Damn straight I was coming out tonight!”

 

And that sentence, Jared concluded, was probably the straightest thing about Misha ‘fuck on a stick’ Collins. 

 

With the endless chatter kind of soothing, Jared found himself warming to the crazy actor. The guy could blitz through a full spectrum of emotions during a simple conversation, and Jared was mesmerised by his dancing eyes and easy charm.

 

“Are you always like this?” Jared asked over a second helping of Mississippi Mud pie.

 

Misha raised his eyes, sporting chocolate on his nose, “Mostly. It’s Hollywood. You have to be slightly disturbed to make any inroads here. I’d be quite normal if I lived, say, in San Diego.”

 

Jared doubted that, but he let it go. “Is that why you did a naked striptease in Jensen Ackles trailer?” Subtlety wasn’t one of Jared’s strong points.

 

“Ah,” Misha slurped ice cream of his spoon. “Now we get to the heart of it.”

 

Faintly embarrassed by Misha’s disarming smile, Jared shrugged, “That bother you?”

 

Three scoops of fudge brownie later, Misha answered, “Not so much. Let’s face it so long as I get some publicity out of this, plus a half decent fuck, I think we can call it even.”

 

And then Jared understood why Mike liked this guy. The two were virtually twins.

 

****

 

Three hours later, after checking into the motel next door, Jared released a satisfied sigh. “Dude, I have no idea how Ackles could blow you out!”

 

Beside him, Misha stiffened. But it wasn’t the part of his anatomy that had been very, very pleased at being introduced to Jared. “Ouch! Way to bruise my ego kid. You could have waited until we’d finished, before introducing that particular third party to our bed!”

 

‘Our bed’ was rather a loose translation for what was an anonymous, tiny 10x8 ft room with gaudy orange wallpaper and a bedspread that smelled of mothballs. To quantify that it was a dive was being generous. But at least it was better than shagging in a hire car on the side of the road. 

 

Jared, however, didn’t feel guilty in the slightest, “Dude we both know why I’m doing this. It’s not like Jensen hasn’t been here all along.”

 

“Whatever!” Misha, reaching for a cigarette gave Jared an unwelcome flashback visual of Mike. “So, what do you want to know?”

 

“You fuck him?” in for the kill, Jared wasted little time.

 

“Nope.”

 

“Ever kissed him?”

 

“Nope.”

 

“Have you even seen him kissing another guy?”

 

“Nope.” 

 

Jared kicked at the off white sheets clinging to his legs. “Let me get this straight. Without any evidence that Ackles liked playing for the home team, you stripped naked and climbed into his bed?”

 

Misha blew lazy smoke circles, “Sure, I took a gamble, but our lovely Jensen is anything but straight.”

 

Jared stared up at the strangely patterned ceiling; the large embossed whorls looked like circus clowns, “But you’re only guessing?”

 

Misha shrugged, “I knew Rosenbaum had snapped him eating someone’s face, and then that rabid dog Kane confirmed the rest.”

 

Jared rolled back towards Misha, “Kane? This is the same Kane that tried turning you into strawberry jello?”

 

Collins scowled, flicking ash on Jared’s chest. “The dude may be small, but he’s one scary ass fucker! I’d like to see you take him on!”

 

The ash burned like crazy but Jared didn’t care. Finally, this was the information he needed to get back in with Mike. 

 

“Tell me,” Jared prompted, nibbling kisses up Misha’s neck. 

 

Misha gasped, “Hmmm, he was making dinner arrangements for Jennnsen…..yeah, just there Jared.”

 

“Focus,” Jared nipped the soft skin warningly, “And?”

 

Hands slipping down to grab at Jared’s ass, Misha sighed, “Dude, has a special table at some local joint when he wants to take out his dirty secrets. I heard Kane offering some Manager money for keeping his mouth shut about Jensen’s male companion’.

 

“He dates in public?” 

 

Misha laughed, “We all date in public Jared. It’s just higher stakes if you get caught.”

 

It was strange hearing that from Collins, who was the most uninhibited man, Jared had ever met. 

 

“So, how do I go about catching him?”

 

Misha tilted his head coyly to one side, “You doing this for Rosenbaum?”

 

Jared froze, “Does it matter?”

 

Hell yes, it mattered. But if Jared couldn’t see that, then Misha wasn’t going to tell him.

 

“Be careful Padalecki. You won’t come out of this unscathed. It’s not just Kane you have to watch out for. I’d hate for you to get broken too.”

 

It was the second time Jared had been warned about being broken. A smarter man would have asked why or how. But a man like Jared only smiled.


	5. Chapter 5

‘I look inside myself and see my heart is black’

Rolling Stones – Paint It Black

 

 

Present Day

 

Jared’s legs feel like jelly and it isn’t because he’s about to jump and end his life. It’s because he’s reached those memories in his life that ache. Bittersweet and wonderful he can feel them in his heart and soul. Unconsciously, his fingers clench around the rumpled photograph and he shudders.

 

His life’s been all Jensen for the last two years in every good, bad, right and wrong way. 

 

2 years ago

 

Jared felt a little like he was walking into the lions den when he finally got to meet Jensen Ackles. With the reluctant help from a director of one of Jensen’s early films, who Jared had bedded in his cause to gain access to the elusive star, a formal interview was booked in NYC. But if Jared thought that he would gain an advantage from playing on what he considered to be ‘home turf’ he was to be very disappointed. Arriving at an exclusive private apartment, which was, ‘allegedly,’ Jensen’s own, on a sleepy Sunday in September, Jared’s excitement was at an all time high. In true movie star status the apartment was in a prime location oposite Central Park and Jared could only wonder at what marvels the inside reveal. Would Jensen’s home live up to his expectations? Would Jensen flaunt his wealth like Mike? Was this the place where Jensen woed his secret conquests? Jared had so many questions and it was hard to push them aside to concentrate on in the job in hand. But concentrate he must, because this was it. This could possibly be his only chance. He had a well planned agenda and he had to stick with it. 

 

Knowing he had no time for inner reflection, Jared forced himself to collect his scattered thoughts and stride confidently through the large revolving doors and into the apartment building. It was in short- wow. As once through those plain glass doors everything turned upside down. He was standing inside a massive lobby with a mosaic ceiling and a decor that could only be called outstanding. Jared literally staggered as he was struck full force with its overstated glamour. This was an impressive swagger of black and white marble stretching from floor to ceiling with ten massive chandeliers that gleamed like a million diamonds from the sunlight streaming in through the revolving doorway. It was an interior of clean lines and shapes, from the sweeping staircase to the angular blocks of the reception desk. The place incredibly combining the grandeur of an age long past with an eclectic mix of modern with a twist. It took awe inspiring and intimidating to a whole new level.

 

Everything was immaculate as if newly polished, and it's startling brand new look made Jared very uneasy. It wasn't natural and it wasn't a place that looked lived in. There wasn’t a single speck of dust or dirt, that marred the highly polished surfaces. It was sterile and cold. This had the stamp of elegance, but underneath it was slightly antiseptic. So much so that a faint bleached odour permeated the air. However, strange smells aside, the apartment building screamed quality, and it was further exaggerated by the concierge who was decked out in vivid peacock blue. 

 

The second Jared’s eyes raked over the gaudy uniform he knew that this was the highest stakes game he had ever played. Jensen Ackles wasn’t a guy that folded at the first sign or feel of trouble. He would have his work cut out. 

 

"My name is...." 

 

"Jared Padalecki," the concierge, had obviously been advised that he would be calling, nodded. "We can go straight up." With the wave of one pristine gloved hand, Jared was herded towards a waiting elevator with shiny golden doors.

 

Who the hell, apart from Donald Trump, had fuckin' golden doors? Uncomfortable, Jared peered nervously inside, feeling like a four year old playing a game of hide and seek. As he suspected the inside of the elevator was no less glamorous than the lobby, with plush red carpeting that sank beneath his feet. Even Mike Rosenbaum would have been struck speechless Jared mused, as he stared uncomfortably back at his own reflection from the walls of what was no more than a moving box; the elevator wavering gently as it began its steady climb. This was taking voyeurism to new depths and Jared had to wonder what crazy mind had been responsible for the design of this building. He was just about to ask when the elevator cheerfully chimed its arrival on Jensen's floor. 

 

He was here. 

 

Jensen Ackles' apartment. 

 

Where the illusion fell apart.

 

One knock of the door later, and Jared was whisked inside into what could only be called a movie set. There were trailing wires and cables hanging from curtain swags, and dark austere furniture arranged at precise fourty five degree angles. While around the edges of the hall were rumpled dust covers piled up like empty body bags. This wasn't a home. This cold and fake, giving Jared zero insight into the icon he was about to meet. Or maybe it said everything. Maybe, Jensen was just the same as a thousand other movie stars, pretty on the outside but a bit dull and predictable on the inside. Worse, and probably more accurate, knowing what he did of Jensen this was designed to send Jared a message. ‘Top rung paparazzi were no match for the Ackles publicity machine. Screw with them and they would fuck with you’. 

 

It wasn't a warning Jared could deny that he deserved either. This interview had been gained from one of Jared’s rather shady dealings with an ex-movie director of Jensen’s, and it had followed on the back of his exclusive interview with Misha Collins. An interview that had hinted strongly of Jensen's sexual preferences. Yes, Jared was sure he’d pissed a few people off – big time. 

 

Today was going to be pretty awkward, if not hostile to say the least. If that wasn’t daunting enough Mike’s reaction had Jared worried as well. “Don’t screw this up Jared. This is the meal ticket to the rest of your life!”

 

So if Jared entered the interview with trepidation at the very least he was very well prepared to fail. 

 

First, however, he had to get past Christian Kane. 

 

The gatekeeping rotweiler and bodyguard extraordinaire. Another devote of Armani, Jared noted, Kane was all polished elegance with a honeyed southern drawl. Relatively small, at least in Padalecki terms, what Kane lacked in height he more than made up for with his impressive presence, which had dominated the room the second he had entered it. It was a sure fact that Kane would never be the type of man that would blend into the background, and Jared had to admit he seriously didn’t deserve to. With long brown hair and a taunting smile the man had undeniable charisma, and if Jared hadn’t been so focused on his employer, and wary from Misha’s story, he might have had a crack at him instead.

 

“P..a..d..a..l..e..c..k..i.” 

 

Jared gulped, he hadn’t heard his name uttered with quite so much feeling since Mike had picked him up at Table 50. Chris’s words were smoking hot and for a second Jared felt like he was a tiny mouse clutched beneath the paw of a hungry cat.

 

“You’re that paparazzi dude that’s sold out half of Hollywood!” Chris accused, eyes narrowed.

 

Alarm bells ringing – danger, Jared squared his shoulders. He hadn’t achieved his acclaimed position just by riding on Mike Rosenbaum’s coat tails. He’d done it through painstaking research and study on his intended target. No way was Christian Kane going to get the best of him.

 

“You have a problem with that?” Jared asked bluntly.

 

Kane’s cheek muscle twitched. Score one for Jared.

 

“Leave your camera on the table,” Chris barked, gesturing to the table by the door. “We don’t allow any unauthorised pictures.”

 

Jared raised an eyebrow but complied. “Okay, I can do that, but tell me where is the star of the moment?”

 

“Over here.”

 

There are any number of anecdotal descriptions of how the rug can be pulled from under your feet, but Jared was absolutely positive that there were none that could capture this moment. At the far end of a long white room, just visible from the open doorway, stood the sculpted perfection that was Jensen. Wearing coffee coloured pants and a plain pale yellow jumper, Jensen’s sudden appearance was like the sun had stepped out from behind a cloud. Jared was mesmerised and shuffling forward before his brain could stop him, and all the while he moved slowly closer the only thing he could think was all those pictures he’d seen of the star had failed to do him justice. Jensen was a shining god, and everything, every single goddamn thing about him oozed success. He was without doubt an undeniable beauty in his carefully chosen wardrobe, which artfully complimented his golden glinting hair. And while Jared continued his ungainly shuffle Jensen walked confidently towards him and Kane with a subtle swagger and half amused smile. 

 

“Jensen Ackles,” Jared muttered, almost caught of guard. Almost, but not quite.

 

“And you’re….Jared. Is that right?” Jensen’s handshake brief but firm.

 

Jared nodded and for what felt like days but could only have been seconds the two men looked each other up and down. The shadowed green eyes, of Jensen, meeting Jared’s melting blue. 

 

The movie star and the paparazzi. 

 

It sounded like some cheap porn flick. Yeah, Jared could get on board with that. It definitely sounded like a movie Jared would subscribe to. Unconsciously, Jared’s tongue licked across his bottom lip at the random thought of sweating, heaving bodies all with Jensen’s face. 

 

Oh, no. Jared shook himself. He couldn’t go there. At least not yet.

 

“You look a little flustered Mr Padalecki, are you sure you’re up to today? Not too tired from all of your nocturnal activities? I understand you’re quite a busy boy.” Jensen, obviously well prepared, rapidly fired insults, and Jared caught them open mouthed. 

 

The pretty boy had blindsided him. 

 

“Yes. Shall we sit down?” Jared stammered, motioning to the chairs. He needed time to pull himself together. To carefully school his face, and look innocent and unconcerned by Jensen’s aggressive gibes. 

 

Jensen shrugged, and fuck even that was elegant; one hand tucked in his pants pocket, shoulders rolling slowly.

 

As they took their seats, Kane eyed Jared with something bordering on suspicion, as if it wasn’t Jared’s place to offer up suggestions. Jensen used to his bodyguards antics headed the next potentially difficult moment off. “You can go Chris. Oh, but see if you can rustle up a couple of drinks,” Jensen raised his eyes to Jared. “Is bourbon alright with you?”

 

At Jared’s nod, Kane left albeit reluctantly,looking back over his shoulder to fix Jared wih a hateful glare. 

 

Well this was fun, Jared thought grimly, releasing a deep breath and sinking back into the well stuffed cushions of his chair. He was in for a bumpy ride and... Jared flushed as he realised Jensen’s warm gaze was on him. He'd been caught daydreaming. Quickly, Jared tilted his head curiously. “Is something wrong?”

 

“You’re nothing like I imagined,” Jensen shrugged, almost apologetically; sharp contrast to his earlier remarks. “You hear the name Padalecki and you think of some hard nosed freak.”

 

Jared laughed, “Hard nosed? Seriously? Dude, I’m hardly that. Besides shouldn’t it be me that’s in awe of you? I should be all star struck or something!” The lie slipped easily from Jared’s lips. He had to do this. Play it cool. He had to draw Ackles in. Make Jensen believe in Jared and everything he did. It wasn’t like Jared had never done this before. He had coldly buried many a career in the hunt for journalistic success. In paparazzi circles his name meant one thing – trouble. 

 

If Jensen was concerned by Jared’s reputation he hid it well, as he smiled and crossed his legs at the ankle, eyeing Jared speculatively with lips pursed and lazy cat green eyes. “Chris thinks you’re poison. Are you poison, Jared?”

 

Unsurprised by Jensen’s blunt and bordering on offensive question, Jared mulled it over. Was he? After some consideration he had to settle with perhaps. It wasn't a huge effort to cast his mind back over the last couple of years and remember the steady stream of B list wannabes and well known celebs, who had cringed with shame as they tried to scuttle to the back of their darkest closet. There had been directors, producers, several movie or TV bigwigs with deep pockets, and even the odd lawyer or two thrown in for safe keeping. Jared had tried them all. Yes, all things considered it was probably more than a little true that he was poison. And oddly it was with a sudden and unsettling clarity that Jared realised that this was an accusation he should have aimed at Mike. That fateful night he’d picked Jared up. Except Jared never had confronted him, and most likely he never would. 

 

“Sometimes.” Jared’s admission was quieter than he intended.

 

Jared’s answer floated between them, a disturbing confirmation that Jensen was sat down with the devil. Even if this devil, at the moment, wasn't entirely on his game. Luckily, before the atmosphere turned icier their drinks turned up. For a few minutes there time for both of them to catch their breath and Jared took his time to consider what he had really expected. Was he hurt because he hadn't received a friendly welcome? Had Jensen been supposed to roll over and play nice? Did he really want to be given a fair chance? Was he over thinking things? Was Jensen everything he'd dreamed he'd be? Jared had to conclude as he'd lied and cheated and fucked his way into Jensen's apartment he was getting everything he deserved and some. But Jensen, now that was another matter. 

 

Jensen, although as iconic in the flesh as he was in print, was just so damned edible and nice, even when he was being nasty. ‘Nice'. Nice was plain and ordinary. That didn't fit. Nice was such a dirty word when Jared had to apply it to this man. But Jared had to admit he had wanted a little more: something larger than life, something real, or even better, something raw.

 

“So what are you looking for Jared an expose on my latest film? Or are you seeking some lurid gossip on my co-stars?” Jensen it appeared had suffered enough of the silence.

 

Jared took a sip. “I can get that sort of info anytime. How can I justify that as the best way to spend my time with you?” 

 

And maybe, just maybe he’d blown it, as Jensen froze, eyes steely sharp. “I see you’ve interviewed Misha Collins, how was he?” Oh, boy there was no mistaking the iciness in Jensen’s voice as he spat out that name, and interestingly no way not to hear the obvious innuendo.

 

“He was good, real good,” Jared drawled, letting his voice linger over his words. “I’m surprised you ask though. Are you feeling a little guilty over what your pet bulldog did?”

 

Ouch, and Jared hit the mark with that one. Jensen’s fingers clenching around the polished mahogany armrest of his chair. Smiling sweetly Jared cocked his head at an angle, daring Jensen to refute him.

 

Except instead of feeding back a snappy and well deserved retort, Jensen clapped his hands. “Bravo Jared, you must make your master truly proud!” 

 

Jared, although knowing Jensen was baiting him in return, couldn’t help his huff of annoyance at the obviously demeaning comment. Master! No way! And yet again Jared began analysing himself. Was he annoyed because it was a smear against his own hard work and talent? An even worse thought, was it because of the fact that it was true? 

 

This interview was raising too many questions in Jared’s mind that he didn’t like. 

 

“I don’t deny I’ve done well for myself,” Jared said at length. “With all you movie types just falling over yourself to spill the beans on one another it’s been quite a ride.”

 

Jensen raised his glass in toast. “I suppose my profession deserved that one Jared. We’re not the most, close knit bunch, and we don’t always stand by each other. I warn you though, if you came here expecting me to help you fill your trashy rag, you’re going to be very disappointed.”

 

That should have given Jared the opening he’d been looking for. Except he didn’t take it. 

 

Mike would kill him if he ever found out.

 

“Honestly….I don’t have a particular reason for being here.” The words slipped out before Jared could stop them. Jensen raised an eyebrow. “I saw your photographs.” Jared’s mouth was running on auto pilot. 

 

“You liked my picture?” Jensen laughed. “Are you kidding me? You go to the trouble of fucking a director I worked with years ago, and even hunt down big mouth Collins just to tell me you like my photos? Come on Jared even I’m not that naïve!”

 

It sounded bizarre to Jared’s ears, especially after everything he’d promised Mike. Wasn’t he here to dig up the dirt on Jensen Ackles? Slip him up over the nameless men he’d got closeted away? If the rumours were to be believed. Yet somehow all of Jared’s plans had turned upside down. Then again….. There was no way was he ever going to gain Jensen’s cooperation by being the paparazzi fiend everyone had him pegged for. But… and there was a thread of a ‘but’. In there, somewhere, was perhaps a shred of hope of getting Jensen onside, if he thought Jared was being genuine. Jared was more than a little enamoured with the movie star. 

 

“Is it so hard to believe that you’re a photographers dream?” Jared took a long swallow of the dark fiery liquid. “You’re Hollywood Jensen. You know how this works. You’ve got classic movie star looks and bucket loads of the X factor. Sure you’ve had some nice shots taken, but believe me when I tell you, I can make you look amazing.”

 

“Amazing,” Jensen parroted, getting to his feet to stalk around Jared’s chair. “Maybe I don’t care to look – amazing.”

 

Jared tracked him from the corner of his eye. Jensen looked rattled. Unsure as to what game Jared was playing. There was no doubt in either man’s mind that this was a game. A game that was as dangerous as it was exciting. A match where every couple of minutes the rule book kept changing. “Everybody wants to look amazing,” Jared added, placing his glass on the low coffee table and getting to his feet to crowd his frame into Jensen’s personal space. “Even you.”

 

It was a taunting invitation. ‘Even you’ a whispered promise of something more, but as yet unspoken. Jared leant further forward, his breath ghosting over Jensen’s cheek. “Because you know that I could do it.” 

 

Jensen’s head snapped violently sideways, and their lips were mere inches from each other. So close. Jared could taste the liquid burn of bourbon from the beaded droplet on Jensen’s bottom lip. They were brushing against the edges of electricity. Breathing laboured as a zing of fire arced between them. Surging into a sweet, sweet ache that Jared couldn’t or didn’t want to identify. He stepped back both surprised and aroused. Only to see with confused eyes Jensen’s similar embarrassment. 

 

Oh, fuck this was unexpected. This wasn’t exactly part of Jared’s master plan. 

 

“Have you two finished?” Kane’s voice cut through the atmosphere like a knife.

 

Both men turned quickly to stare at the glaring bodyguard, who looked anything but pleased.

 

“Um….” Jensen searched for a reply. “Yeah, I think….I think were done. Jared I’m going to be here in New York for a while, why don’t you give my agent a call next week and we’ll see if we can fix up a day to do those photographs.”

 

Jared nodded politely. He was trying his hardest not to show Kane any additional emotions than he must have already witnessed. True to Misha Collin’s description the bodyguard had a face like thunder, fists flexing by his side. If Jensen wasn’t in the room right now Jared was quite sure Christian Kane would give him a short and painfully pointed lesson in how he dealt with interlopers, and in particular poisonous paparazzi ones. 

 

“Thanks for your time,” Jared offered up his hand. “I’ll call next week to set things up.”

 

Jensen’s hand was firm and warm engulfed within Jared’s larger one; the movie stars thumb seeming to caress across his skin. Or was that Jared’s overactive imagination and wistful fantasy? Judging by the thunderous emotions flickering over Kane’s features it didn’t seem so. Pulling back reluctantly Jared smiled, and allowed Chris to show him to the door, ensuring that the bodyguard had little chance to reprimand his behaviour by scooping up his camera quickly.

 

“You try anything. Anything at all, and I’ll fuckin’ kill you.”

 

The expected threat seeped into Jared’s bones through the tight grip Kane had on his arm.

 

“Your boss is happy for me to take a few photographs. Do you see a problem with that?” Jared asked politely, turning his gaze to meet those ice blue eyes.

 

“Yeah, I see BIG problems. You’re scum Padalecki, a bottom feeder. The lowest form of life that there is. You don’t care about anything or anybody. You get your kicks from inflicting misery and spreading lies.”

 

Jared tore his arm away, the hairs on his neck bristling. “You think your opinion matters to me? I’ve been called worse by far more powerful men than you.” He stared down into Kane’s face and whispered quietly. “I don’t give a shit about what you think is best for Jensen. I’m going to take his picture and I’m going to make him look like a god. Could you do so much for his career?” Jared didn’t wait for a response. “I’m going to make every man in the US want to look as good as he does, and every woman will beg to sleep with him.”

 

Kane’s lips turned up in a sneer. “Awww, our oversized hack has got a girlie crush. Bless. Just make sure you keep it straight in that little head of yours that you stay to dreaming about your perverted fantasies. If I catch you so much as sniffing for an opportunity to crack onto Jensen and I’m gonna make your head spin!”

 

Kane had thrown the gauntlet down. The line was drawn. Now all Jared had to do was find a way to cross it and keep his head and balls intact while seducing Jensen into bed. Because Jared, having met Jensen in the flesh, was certain that nothing less would do. He had to get the movie star horizontal and super fast. It wasn’t about Mike’s deadlines any more. This was about Jared’s own desires. 

 

For the first time since that fateful night at Table 50, Jared felt the all consuming need to have something more. Something of his own. He wanted to create a masterpiece of photographic genius, and he wanted….he wanted Jensen.


	6. Chapter 6

The night I looked at you

I found a dream that I could speak to

Etta James – At Last

 

 

New York - 2 years ago

 

“I’m sorry sir, but Mr Ackles has no free time in his schedule for the foreseeable future.” 

 

Jensen’s agent sounded anything but apologetic, and Jared, thwarted by the tenth postponement, was rapidly growing irritated. “Look, Jensen specifically said I should call to fix a day up with him. It’s just a photographic shoot with a few lines explaining the concept behind the pictures, not a fuckin’ expose on his life!”

 

“Yes sir, I understand but Mr Ackles is committed to other projects. Maybe you could call next week?” The suggestion didn’t sound sincere and Jared suspected Mr Ackles would be mysteriously unavailable for the next five years. Big question was - who was blocking him? Kane? The agent? Jensen? Or was it a combination of all three? Had Jensen been warned off, or perhaps reconsidered his hasty acceptance of Jared’s request? It was frustrating. Annoying. And down right rude. 

 

As Jared put the phone down it buzzed straightaway. “Hello,” he snapped.

 

Mike’s sour voice filtered through, “Still no joy from Ackles’ management then I take it?”

 

“No.”

 

“This is costing me money Jared. You’ve not turned out a single thing in over a fuckin’ week! It’s time to can this obsession. You’re never going to get close to Jensen so let’s wrap it up. I want you back in LA and taking some pictures of real celebrity meltdowns.”

 

Jared bit back the protest on his lips, Mike wouldn’t listen anyway. He never did. Especially since this whole Jensen Ackles project had driven a wedge between them. Mike may have agreed to Jared taking down the one man in his life that he hated, but that didn’t mean he would accept Jared’s blatant fan boy crush on the actor he was intent on ruining. Unfortunately, all it was fostering was more resentment. The more Jared became focused on Jensen’s movements the more Mike despised them both. It was ironic then that a man such as Mike, who hated all things domestic and fucked anyone with a pulse, would find himself jealous and emotional when his protégé turned his attentions to someone else. But there was no denying it. There was a tension in Mike’s voice that couldn’t be ignored, and his surly temper kept hitting epic proportions every time Jared wanted to put Jensen first. 

 

It was Jared realised, turning his professional and personal life into something of a cosmic joke. Who would have thought that 2 years into to his friendship with Mike Rosenbaum that he would have gained such a first class, fucked up relationship. 

 

“Okay. You win. No more Jensen Ackles.” 

 

“Good. Now get to LA and earn me some money.” Mike’s approval tinged with suspicion. Jared was caving in way too easy.

 

At the other end of the phone Jared pulled a face, hoping Mike wouldn’t pick up on his lie. “I’ll book a flight in the morning. Anything I should know that’s going down soon?”

 

The dulcet sound of jingling coins was enough to switch Mike into business mode, as he began rattling off a list of stars and prominent events he wanted covered. Jared feeling bullied zoned out. The workload Mike had pencilled in for him was crazy. This wasn’t about bringing in a story or even a few more thousand dollars. This was punishment. Mike was going to keep Jared so busy that it would leave him no time to further stress over his missing movie star. 

 

Jensen….Jensen….Jensen…it was like the guys name was on a loop inside Jared’s head. 

 

“Jared? Are you even fuckin’ listening?”

 

That would be a no, Jared sighed as he dragged his thoughts back to the present. 

 

Mike hissed, and there was the sound of something breaking. Probably a glass Jared thought idly, it wasn’t uncommon for Mike to hurl the nearest thing to hand, but his musing was cut promptly short as Mike delivered his final scathing blow. “Oh and here’s something you definitely have to follow up. Your little beau Collins has bagged himself an invitation to some Texas millionaires shin dig. Misha may not be ‘A’ list but he does make interesting friends. I have a suspicion that Mr Texas Oil Magnate is slipping Misha more than a few smiles, and it will stir things up a bit in the boardrooms if we can get anything on film. Given your history with Misha, I’m sure you can convince him to play along.”

 

Jared rolled his eyes. Misha had been an amazing fuck, but the guy had an ego ten miles wide, and it needed a lot of pampering. This was further indication, if he hadn’t got the message already, that Mike getting his own back. There was only one person Jared should be fixated on and it wasn’t Jensen. Giving a weary sigh and heaving up a heavy heart Jared gave in. “Okay, where’s the party, and do I have an invite so I don’t have to sneak in the side door and pretend to be a fuckin’ waiter?”

 

“You need to go to the Raffles L’Ermitage. They wouldn’t let our Mr Texas into the Four Seasons, as apparently his drinking problem got a bit heavy on their furniture.”

 

Great, this sounded like a peach of an assignment. 

 

Los Angeles 

 

Tugging on the sleeves of his smart dinner suit, Jared felt uncomfortable at the upmarket hotel. It wasn’t that he’d never stopped at top class resorts before it was just that he’d never stopped in one alone. He’d always been with Mike, and Mike, for all his blunt speaking and disgraceful reputation, knew how to put on airs and graces. Plus, Jared realised, the majority of his stopovers had seen him confined within Mike’s bedroom walls. His only other visits had all been for work, where he’d had to gain entrance by sneaking in undercover; sometimes as a waiter and occasionally as the plus one of his current fuck.

 

Tonight, however, it was different. Mike had actually paid out for a reservation, albeit under an alias, and Jared was enjoying all the lavish extravagance that the pride of Beverley Hills had to offer. It was a rare extravagance for Mike, and yet another subtle reminder that he was Jared’s meal ticket.

 

Jared found it hard to care. 

 

As the days ticked along his tiredness of Mike and all his rules were growing. Maybe he would walk away and start a fresh? Just disappear and not look back. Jared clung to that idea. He had to. There was an emptiness inside himself; a gnawing pain that was cutting deep and leaving him bleeding and broken. He had to leave. He wanted free of Mike. Oh, god how he wanted…He wanted everything….It was a rebellion that quickly germinated in his belly. A seed of hunger that itched and sprouted a little more each time his mind ran the memory of the crackling connection he’d made with Jensen. 

 

But for every inch his hunger grew so did his doubts. Perhaps it was all a false illusion. Would he have the ability to make it on his own? Was he reading too much into his meeting with Jensen? Maybe Jensen hadn’t….or didn’t….It was a pointless exercise in ‘maybes’ and Jared pulled himself into the present and to the opulent surroundings of the Raffles L’Ermitage.

 

The hotel was outstanding, and even if it did lack some of the more obvious glamour that a lot of celebrities favoured, Raffles L’Ermitage still packed a punch with its elegance and charm. There was one room in particular had Jared riveted - the Writers Bar. With its walls adorned with framed scripts from the cream of Hollywood movies. It was mesmerising. This was ‘the room’ where deals were hammered out in style and sophistication. This was the haven for all the movers and shakers who kept the super powered machine of the entertainment industry rolling. 

 

And here, at least, was one room which Texan Oil Tycoon would never come, and Jared could escape into a moment where fat rich men in ill fitting dinner suits were just a nasty dream. Because from what Jared had discerned of Mr Oil Rig he was big and brash and loud with ideas of culture limited to balance sheets and board room agendas. He was a man who bathed in the acrid smoke of fat cigars and sweated expensive scotch from every pore. In fact Oil Rig possessed the clichéd brashness you’d expect to see in a bad TV movie. It was hard to picture even Misha Collins enjoying his company even for a second. 

 

It was probably the guys money, Jared mused. Oil tycoon certainly had more cash and stock than Jared would see in his lifetime. 

 

Or maybe the guy just had a big dick. Misha liked that in a man. 

 

Yes, the Writer’s Room’s subtle charm and poise would be lost on Mr Texas, but not to Jared. Standing just inside the doorway, Jared soaked in the atmosphere. He could almost smell the fevered ink on paper. Taste the flowing wine and feel the silky texture of dollars between his fingers. Here was where the action happened. The real action. This was where art house met with blockbuster. This was the dizzy heights of achievement that Jared had set his hopes on. One day he would leave behind the sleazy underbelly of gossip columns and make it as an artist. He would be a photographer who turned out classic pictures. When he had accomplished that, Jared would have it all.

 

Reading a page from the script of ‘Good Will Hunting’ Jared smiled in satisfaction. This was far better than stalking Mr Texas Money Bags around, like he had been doing for the last six hours, hoping for an opportunity to snap him in a compromising situation. This was heaven; a respite from the howling madness of tinsel town. 

 

Drinking in his heady fantasies, Jared lost himself in the scripted genius before him, giving little thought that anyone might notice.

 

“Are you off tonight, or are you AWOL from your duties as chief dirt digger?” A familiar warm voice shocked him.

 

Startled, Jared flushed and turned his head. It was late evening, before the dinner rush, and he’d thought he was alone when he’d come in. Quite obviously he’d been wrong, as his eyes landed on, of all people, Jensen Ackles sitting in the shadows in the rear part of the room. 

 

“I didn’t expect to see you here,” Jared stated casually, heart racing in defiance of his stern command for it to remain calm. He coughed nervously, wondering if Jensen could hear the heavy thump, thump, thump as blood rushed to his face and lower organs. 

 

Jared rubbed clammy hands together. Jensen was sitting in profile beneath the soft golden light of a table lamp. The warm glow made the movie star look ethereal. Even, magical. Jensen looked like he could steal a thousand hearts, and the beauty of the scene stole Jared’s breath. 

 

“I’ve got a new project coming up and I’m here to meet a scriptwriter.” Jensen replied easily, hand reaching out to his drink on a nearby table. “I probably would have cancelled though if I’d known Misha was going to be around.”

 

Misha? So, Jensen knew Collins was here, and it seemed, he obviously wanted to avoid him. Interesting. So….did Jensen also know Jared was here?

 

Jared sauntered a little closer, occasionally flicking his eyes towards the scripts in an attempt to appear nonchalant. “Why, Misha? I thought it was me you were trying your best to dodge?”

 

Jensen tilted his head, eyes blazing and Jared flinched. It was such a sharp and pointed movement and so un-Jensen like. There was a harsh flare of anger crinkling at his eyes that twisted Jensen’s handsome and Jared took an unconscious step back. 

 

“Chris doesn’t like Misha and I don’t want any trouble,” Jensen pursed his lips. “I don’t understand why you would think I was avoiding you though?”

 

“You…your agents been a busy lady blocking me. I assumed you’d changed your mind.”

 

Jensen cursed and shook his head, mumbling something beneath his breath. Something, which sounded a lot like: Christian. “I’m sorry about that I’ll have a word with her.”

 

Jared’s stomach fluttered. Yes - it was still on. He hadn’t blown it. He hadn’t lost his chance. He should tell Mike….No. He hastily dismissed Mike Rosenbaum. He wasn’t telling Mike anything about this. Not until it was done at least. Mike would be less than pleased if he knew Jensen was back on the scene so quick, even though he was still itching to ruin the charismatic actor. Besides, at the moment, Jared had nothing to tell him.

 

“Where is your rotweiler by the way? I thought he was stuck to you like superglue?” Less than polite, Jared could have kicked himself. 

 

Jensen shrugged, “I gave Chris the night off. I can’t have him wandering the hotel and threatening to beat up the guests.”

 

“I guess not.”

 

Jensen laughed at Jared’s wry smile. “I do know that Chris can go over the top at times. He’s very protective of me. I’ve learned to live with it, but he can be a bit hard for others to…” he searched for an appropriate word, “get used to.”

 

Jared snorted. That was the understatement of the century. Still, at least Jensen was giving him an angle to do some interesting probing. Maybe Jared could clarify the pair’s relationship. Get to the bottom of why Jensen would continue to employ a man who put a fellow co-star in the hospital. 

 

It was an opportunity, but again Jared didn’t take it. 

 

The question died on Jared’s lips as Jensen smiled. It was a smile that lit Jensen’s entire face. A smile that was so full of sunshine it left Jared dazzled, and instead of hunting down his prey, Jared steered the conversation into safer waters. “What type of project are you planning on next or is it top secret? Will I get shot on sight for asking that question?”

 

The sunshine blazed as Jensen’s smile broadened, genuine and friendly. A lifetime removed from the welcome Mike would have given Jared.

 

Rising to his feet, Jensen stepped out of the shadows and into Jared’s view. Holy fuck, he was gorgeous. So lovely in every way. Jared’s mouth dried up and he would even swear his heart stopped in honour of this vision. In a pair of well worn jeans, the knees somewhat threadbare, and their fit a little looser than he normally wore, Jensen was taking casual to a whole new level. A simple jumper in a silky cream was slung over one shoulder, and a snug t-shirt in sea green showed off his eyes to their maximum effect. Jensen was mesmerising. It was as if he had stepped out of one of the many scripts that adorned the walls. 

 

“No shooting today, I promise,” Jensen replied softly, with a sheepish grin. “It’s just us and despite your reputation Jared you’ve managed to surprise me.”

 

Jared nodded speechless, captivated by the aura Jensen radiated. In front of a camera Jensen may be a supreme actor, but off set he was every bit of the legend his fans had made him out to be. Jared didn’t move, though his fingers longed to reach for the camera he’d discarded on the table just inside the door. However, something in Jared’s demeanour must have given the game away as Jensen brushed past him to take hold of the camera. It was a serviceable digital that Jared had owned for years, and it was dangling by its strap from Jensen’s fingers.

 

“You should take my picture. I’m told that I’m a bigger draw than that fat tycoon you’ve had your eye on,” Jensen laughed mischievously.

 

Jared was simply bursting to follow that up with a star struck, ‘can I, really?’ And unable to help himself he moved closer, hand reaching out to catch the swaying camera. “I can take your photograph anytime and you’ll let me?”

 

Jensen shrugged, “More or less. So, how about it? Are you game tonight? Or did you want to go back to playing hide and seek with Misha and his boyfriend?”

 

Technically, as Jared was on Mike’s clock, he should have at least considered his assignment, but this was Jensen Ackles and Jared had a one track mind where this movie star was concerned.

 

“You know I’m not going to turn down an opportunity like this, so where do you want to start?” Jared’s eyes skimmed the room searching for the right mood to capture a killer picture.

 

Jensen grinned as he released his grip on Jared’s camera. “Come on, I know just the place.”

 

Place? Jared’s eyes followed Jensen hungrily. He had the movie star all to himself. He had Jensen Ackles in the palm of his fuckin’ hand. Admiring the sway of Jensen’s ass, as he headed towards an elevator, Jared slowly followed. For one brief and shiny second he even wondered if Jensen was intending to take him up to his room, and that ‘take his photograph’ had actually been an invitation to something a little more up close and personal. A multitude of dirty thoughts swimming through his head, Jared caught Jensen’s smirk. The actor grinning slyly as he reached across Jared’s body only to hit the button for the roof.

 

“Roof?” Jared cleared his throat to cover his confusion. Was Jensen playing games again?

 

“Roof,” Jensen confirmed laughing. “There’s a deck, pool and a view that’s pretty impressive.”

 

In confirmation the doors opened to a floodlit terrace where fading light the colour of dark azure was flecked with deep violet. It was picture perfect. Right down to the warm and spicy air from the incense burners at each end of the pool, and the cascade of orange and crimson roses spilling over from the balustrade that ran the whole perimeter. Jared nodded this was like paradise, and more importantly, it was a paradise just for two, as there were no one else upon the deck.

 

“Is this good enough?” Jensen asked.

 

Jared nodded distracted, “Yeah, this is good.” He was too busy calculating angles and thinking how he could position Jensen. The only mar to all this brilliance was the useless digital camera. Whilst it could capture a decent picture, in Jared’s book it couldn’t produce realistic images of life. The world was multifaceted, sometimes bright and beautiful and at other moments grey and dim. There was always an underlying subtext running beneath the subject of any photo, and the grainy, less focused quality of celluloid gave substance and authenticity to Jared’s work. He would have to keep Jensen to his word and ensure he had his old SLR with him the next time. 

 

Jensen’s laugh shook him from his thoughts. “What? What’s so funny?”

 

“You.” Jensen seemed genuinely amused, leaning on the railing his hands lost amid dark leaves and flowers. “Christian called me a fool, when I told him you only wanted to take my picture. Yet here you are, quite obviously lost in your own little photographic world.”

 

Jared shrugged, “It’s been a while.” Two years. It had been two years. Twenty four months of taking ugly prints that lacked any passion; abandoning his art to write scurrilous gossip columns. 

 

“Do you miss it? Taking real photographs?” Jensen asked, looking over his shoulder at Jared, who was still near the elevator at the other end of the pool.

 

Did he? Jared knew the answer, but admitting to it was something else. If he…if he confessed that he did then he would be forced to examine all the choices that he’d made. How he had sold out his art for fame. How he had turned his back on a friend. All of it done for the sake of Mike Rosenbaum. 

 

“Difficult question,” Jensen noted quietly, his face serious in the soft lamplight.

 

“You seem to have a talent for sticking awkward questions like knives into my back,” Jared replied, somewhat bitterly. “I guess I should expect it, seeing as I’m Rosenbaum’s pet lapdog.”

 

Jensen let go of the railing and walked back towards Jared. There was a subtle nervous hesitation to his steps that previously been missing. “I’ve given you a tough time, yeah.” He squared up to Jared, green eyes shifting to black within the shadows. “You work for the biggest dirt bag in Hollywood and you’ve earned yourself a reputation for being almost as bad.”

 

They were three steps apart. Jared closed the gap to two. “I’m so bad Jensen, but you’re up here with me, alone. Not even you’re rotweiler’s here to protect you.”

 

“We can all make the wrong choices,” Jensen countered, cutting the distance down to one.

 

The hairs on Jared’s neck prickled and his skin felt tight and itchy. His eyes locked onto Jensen’s. Those stormy depths confirming Jensen was feeling this connection too.

 

What the fuck were they doing? Jared’s heart pounded in his chest. Why couldn’t he move? His mind screamed at him, ‘Jensen’s offering himself on a plate to you, take it moron!’ Yet his muscles wouldn’t work. This was impossible. He would burst if he couldn’t touch, taste and fuck. But he couldn’t, because all he could hear was Rosenbaum’s voice shouting inside his head, ‘Go on Jared make a name for yourself!’ 

 

Both Jared and Jensen were fencing themselves into a corner with high stakes on either side. They had clearly defined roles in life and this game of sexual tension wasn’t an indulgence either could afford. Yet, Jared, pushing all thoughts of Mike aside took a faltering half step further forward. They were bordering on a sanity that could only break. 

 

“I don’t know what you want from me.” Jared’s voice cracked. This was a game that was killing him.

 

Jensen blinked. “Neither do I. I don’t have any answers for you Jared Padalecki. You make me loose my mind.”

 

In some ways Jensen’s answer disappointed him, and in others it made Jared elated to know that the great film star was flustered. It appeared attraction was cutting both ways. In reply, Jared reached out to rest his hands on Jensen’s shoulders, turning him around so that Jensen’s back brushed up against his chest.

 

“Close your eyes,” Jared whispered. “I want you to concentrate on what you’re feeling. Focus on the now and forget all about your career, the movie deals, and everyone else that’s in your life.” 

 

Slowly, Jared trailed his fingers up the right side of Jensen’s neck, lips ghosting across his ear. He could feel Jensen’s pulse beating heavy through his body, the thrill of fear and excitement mingling into a heady potion.

 

“Can you feel it?” Jared murmured softly.

 

Jensen answered with a slight nod, followed by a muffled, “Yeah. I feel…”

 

“Good,” Jared replied, willing his aching body to pull away from Jensen’s. “Now when I tell you, I want you to look back at me and open your eyes, okay?”

 

Another slow nod of confirmation and Jared reluctantly let go.

 

“Now Jensen, look at me.”

 

With camera raised with less than steady hands, Jared switched to automatic; zooming in the lens to capture Jensen from the waist up. 

 

It all unfolded in agonising slow motion: Jensen turning and opening his eyes to be caught by Jared’s camera. Jared pressing the shutter down with a half gasp, which escaped his lips at the desperate need and longing that stared back at him from Jensen’s eyes.

 

Jared had his confirmation. Jensen Ackles wanted him.

 

As Jensen stood frozen, Jared lowered the camera and took a shaky breath. “We….you shouldn’t let me in like this,” he stammered.

 

“I guess not,” but the emotion remained steady in Jensen’s eyes.

 

They were stuck at opposing ends of the spectrum. With careers and money and their peers respect teetering on a knife edge. But did that matter? Jared felt his stomach do a lazy flip. 

 

“Could we….” Jensen sounded thoughtful. “Can we put this down to lust?” He laughed, but it sounded hollow.

 

Lust? Yeah, lust would fit. In fact if stretched far enough, lust could cover everything. Everything but the truth, Jared’s mind reprimanded him sharply, but instead he answered, “Yeah, we can do that.”

 

“Good. I….um…I don’t need to remind you do I? If you print anything…..” Jensen failed to find the words.

 

“I won’t. I know my word means shit, but I won’t.”

 

“Good. Good.” Jensen shuffled his feet. Whatever magic they’d stumbled on was slipping into the night leaving behind furtive glances and awkward silences in its place.

 

“I’ll send you a copy though.” Jared raised his camera by way of explanation. “Perhaps we can do some more. You know…. one day.”

 

Jensen nodded, “Yeah, be good; something more official.”

 

With conversation rapidly disintegrating, Jared looked for a reason to escape, but came up empty. His mind was whispering that he would be crazy to break this bubble they’d created. But as much as Jared wanted to keep it, he could feel the tension about to snap him like a rotten twig. The sultry backdrop was taunting, the fragrant air cloying and their perfect moment was building into a claustrophobic reminder of the feelings nibbling inside of him. 

 

But a soft swish of the elevator doors and a riotous whoop of laughter broke the silence. Mr Texas Oil Rig exploded onto the roof shouting to a companion who was dawdling behind him. Jared raised an eyebrow curiously as Jensen sighed, “Looks like you’ll get your photos after all, Mr Padalecki.”

 

Indeed Jared would, because right behind a stripping Texas Tycoon trailed a rather drunk and semi naked Misha Collins. With a half empty champagne bottle in one hand and the other on his crotch, Misha was in fine form.

 

“Want to wait up there lover,” Misha giggled, as he stumbled onto the deck.

 

Mr Texas grinned as he began to remove his pants and underwear, “Gonna start without you boy, I’m feelin’ horny!”

 

Either unnoticed or more likely not caring that there were two other people present, Misha began to sway unsteadily towards the waters edge to watch his companion remove his clothes. Jared chuckled into his fist as Jensen rolled his eyes and said, “Oh, please no. I so don’t need to see his cock.”

 

Alas for Jensen, Mr Oil Rig wasn’t listening, as waving his dick in one hand he dived into the water, while Misha collapsed in a fit of laughter: and snap - Jared had his shot. 

 

“This is damned ugly work Jared so I’ll leave you to it.” Jensen shook his head, obviously trying to dislodge the image he’d just witnessed.

 

Jared, who would have done anything for Jensen a scant few minutes ago, simply shrugged as Jensen left the deck, and he went back to earning his thirty pieces of silver for Mike Rosenbaum.


	7. Chapter 7

'What if you’re making me all that I was meant to be?'

 

Westlife - What about now

 

 

Present Day

 

Jared raises his eyes up to the heavens, letting the searing drops of rain splash onto his cold skin. 

 

He’s half way dead already. 

 

The torment in his mind is readily embracing the searing wind that’s whipping around his body, and with each unsteady breath his chest tightens, the weight in his heart increasing tenfold. He wonders if it’s normal to notice these little details; the fingers of his left hand numb from clutching tightly to the metal railing. Has anyone else hovered on the brink of death and reflected in this way? With a deep sigh he lets the question go, it’s not important anyway. He has enough questions and memories to consider without being philosophical. Trapped, as he is on the edge of forever, he knows these last few months have been both painful and exhilarating. 

 

Everything he has lived through has been preparation for the one moment when he would have it all, and then promptly throw it all away. 

 

It’s feels strange that he can’t find a reason left to not continue with his plan. Yet he can appreciate the increasing darkness of night swirling across the skies, and the silvered spikes of rain lit by a crying yellowed moon. The soothing transition swallowing up the scary daytime panic until it’s quiet, almost as if a switch has been flipped and the constant low hum of traffic turned off. 

 

It allows him the solitude to remember the week where he stepped onto the precarious bridge he was to know as love. 

 

18 months ago

 

Existing, as Jared had been back then, was exhausting. He was stuck fast in an impossible position, sandwiched between Mike Rosenbaum – the leader of journalistic bad taste, and Jensen Ackles – the darling pin up of the movie world. 

 

It was an unenviable place to be, and Jared’s relationships with these men were testing both his sanity and endurance. 

 

On the one hand he had Mike, the ultimate king of all things ugly and wrong with the world, and on the other Jensen, who seemed to be the slave to it all; the ‘A’ list movie star who tiptoed around his sexuality, while constantly hauling his bodyguard’s ass out of trouble.

 

It was a one lie after another as Jared fought to keep his life in two distinctive parts. 

 

To be with Mike meant Jared had to have his head tuned into scandal, rumour and blackmail. All the basic elements of a career that he’d worked hard to nurture, but accepted that he hated. Yes, he admitted, he did get a thrill from breathing the heady air of action packed drama. But the intrigue, deception and dirty money were too big a downside to rest easy on his mind. 

 

Instead, Jared was increasingly drawn towards his old work; the black and white photographs that captured emotion and the subtle stillness of reflection. His feelings were re-igniting some long extinguished fire inside of him. Filling him with a much needed warmth Jared hadn’t realised he had missed. 

 

Then there were Jared’s infrequent meetings with Jensen; the movie icon who spoke only with his eyes. Jensen. It was always Jensen. The star was in Jared’s thoughts from the moment he woke up, to the second that he went to bed.

 

Mike had frequently called Jared obsessed. Maybe he was.

 

At least the pictures of Mr Texas Oil Rig had taken a little of the heat off Jared, with Mike ecstatic and straight on the phone the minute that he’d received them.

 

“Ace, Jared. Fucking, Ace. Now, lets see how deep this fat bastards pockets go!”

 

Jared had inwardly cringed. It hadn’t been his proudest moment. Snapping avidly away as Misha Collins cavorted naked, doing lewd things with a champagne bottle, and Mr Oil Rig salivating with ill concealed longing. Jared had seen the flash of disgust in Jensen’s eyes as he’d left the roof of the Raffles that night. 

 

Jensen – again. It was frightening to realise just how much the star’s approval mattered. No one had managed to prick at Jared conscious since he’d been with Mike. Not since….Chad. The friend that he’d left behind. 

 

No, adding Murray to this mess was not going to make his life any better. Jared already had the mysterious and ill-tempered Christian Kane to deal with. 

 

And right there was a sour thought - Jensen’s bodyguard. Like a black cloud ready to dump an unholy storm upon anyone who bothered him, Christian Kane was Jared’s own personal hell. An achievement, which was considerable when you took into account that Jared, had Mike Rosenbaum as both his boss and his part time bedmate.

 

Jensen had obviously spoken to Kane, regarding his encounter with Jared at the Raffles, because 4 days after their rooftop encounter, Jared had the privilege to receive a phone call from the bodyguard.

 

“You can’t stay away, can you? Don’t you know how bad for your health that is?” The snappy rasp boiled through the speaker on Jared’s cell. “I told you don’t fuck with Jensen and ‘you’ simply take no notice.”

 

Jared, head buried in a pile of photos of yet another scantily clad actress frowned, “I was on a job.”

 

“With Collins and his oil slick cock fucker, yeah I saw that,” Kane growled.

 

Jared winced. “At least you know I was out to catch Misha, and not dig some dirt up on your boss.” 

 

There was a pause with that statement, as Chris cleared his throat, and dropped his voice a fraction lower, hissing with an added thread of menace. “Even if you weren’t a piece of filth with a camera, and work for the biggest dirt bag on the planet, I know how guys like you work Jared. I’ve seen your sort prowl around Jensen itching to snatch a taste of his lifestyle. It must drive you crazy that Jensen’s attained all his wealth and fame from sheer talent, while you….you’ve sold out just about every friend you’ve ever had!”

 

WHAT? Jared shot upright, a cold tingle shivering down his spine as his fingers screwed up an expensive shot he’d been having trouble getting right. Painstaking hours of retouching and airbrushing destroyed in one careless second. “What do you mean?” Jared voice shook. Had Chris been snooping around his life?

 

“I mean watch your back,” Kane sneered and gave a short laugh. “Taking care of Jensen is what I do, and I’m pretty good at it. Don’t make me have to work even harder Jared.”

 

The purr on the line that told Jared that Chris had disconnected, but he continued to stare at his cell, willing it to give him answers. He had a myriad of questions. Why had Kane called? How much did Chris know? Had Jensen confessed that he and Jared had shared something that couldn’t be defined in print? 

 

For over an hour Jared sat at his desk, fingers idly running over the ruined photo. Why? Why? Why? Why? Over and over again like a needle stuck on an old 45. What could he do? Should he call Jensen? Had they…Did they…..An endless round of questions and answers to a puzzle that Jared couldn’t solve, until finally, he got up, and crossed to his bedroom nightstand to flip open a tattered leather portfolio. The buckle worn and creased from much use, he carefully slid the top print free. It was like stepping back into that night, and Jared’s breath caught in his throat, as it had when he’d taken the picture. 

 

Jensen Ackles: exposing his heart and soul on the rooftop of the Raffles L’Ermitage.

 

Gathering his courage, Jared placed the copy into an envelope and quickly scrawled Jensen’s address across the front. Inside the envelope he added a short note, ‘You gave me back my something I thought I’d lost forever’. It was brief and asked Jensen for nothing, but it conveyed a million different things about the state of Jared’s mind.

 

With that done, Jared turned his attention back towards the rumpled pictures of the scantily clad actress. The starlet who was yet another project Mike had Jared signed up to. This one he wouldn’t be able to treat half assed. An outstanding beauty on her way to super stardom, this actress would demand all off Jared’s attention and free time. That is, until she became just another name carved onto his headboard.

 

Deliberately, for the first time in ages, Jared attempted to cast all thoughts of Jensen Ackles far from his mind. The fallout from the photograph he’d posted would come soon enough. 

 

 

4 months later….

 

Four long and silent months he’d waited. Four months of trading uncomfortable barbed comments with Mike over the quality of his work.

 

Because there was no doubt about it, Jared was off his game. Usually, the first to hear of a juicy indiscretion, Jared’s focus wasn’t on his work. Too many times he’d roll up just as some other hack had snapped the big buck picture. 

 

Mike wasn’t taking Jared’s slow downhill decline terribly well.

 

“Fuckin’ hell Jared, is it too much to ask that you pay for some good info? I know you’re having fun banging your way through this year’s bunch of starlets, but something in print wouldn’t go amiss!”

 

Jared had taken it on the chin. He could hardly argue with the truth now, could he? 

 

It was taking more and more alcohol to motivate him these days, and a few too many joints to elevate him from the repetitive boredom of his job. It was resulting in Jared, frequently waking in a strange bed with little or no recollection of the previous night’s activities. And worse, with no recall of the many numerous indiscretions his bedfellows had so willingly imparted.

 

Apologising to Mike for the hundredth time in as many days, Jared cursed as he clicked his cell phone off and shoved it in his pocket. Tonight’s endeavours, it appeared, weren’t going to end any differently. 

 

It was a Saturday evening and he was running late for the start of a red carpet premiere. Cursing and juggling two cameras and the car keys to his rental it was an added hindrance when his Blackberry began singing again.

 

Pulling the door of his hotel room closed, Jared glanced at his watch as he answered. “Damn it Toby you’re leaving it fuckin’ late if you’re cancelling on me!” Toby had warned him of course, but it would be seriously bad timing if his new assistant’s wife had gone into labor tonight. 

 

A man’s voice, which wasn’t Toby’s or Mike’s, laughed, “I guess it’s a good thing I’m not your date.” Jared dropped a camera and swore, causing more amusement on the line. “That’s an inventive use of a tripod. I like an active imagination!”

 

“Jensen!” Jared’s breath exploded in a rush. “What the fuck….I mean. Shit. Sorry.” He groaned inwardly. “Hell dude, you caught me at a bad time.”

 

“No kidding. Look I’m in Chicago; call me when you get done with this Toby. If you think you’ve still got the energy for a conversation afterwards that is.”

 

Jared cringed. “It’s not like that. Toby’s my assistant. His wife’s having a baby. It’s a whole….damn.” He laughed. “I guess you don’t need to know this, huh?”

 

He could almost see the elegant shrug of Jensen’s shoulder as his laughter continued. “Jared Padalecki you’re a breath of fresh air.”

 

Head leaning back against his hotel door, Jared forgets all about how late he was running, or about his much needed place on the red carpet. “So?” he prompted. “What did you need me for? Not that I object to being called by a hot looking young movie star.”

 

“If you’re trying to embbarress me it won’t work,” Jensen chuckled. “I’ve been admired for my astonishing good looks for a number of years now.”

 

It seemed Jensen was in good humour tonight, and Jared felt his heart lurch with the thought of how much he’d missed the actor’s easy laughter. Smiling, Jared slid down the door, resting on the plush green hallway carpeting. “Precious much! I bet you turn up at all the award ceremonies for ‘best looking actor’.”

 

“Always.” Jensen said quietly, coughing lightly as if to clear his throat. “Anyway, the reason I’m calling….”

 

“You mean there is a genuine reason? You didn’t just want to talk dirty to me?” Jared interrupted. Immediately blushing as a young woman and her eight year old daughter raised an eyebrow as they walked past.

 

“The reason,” Jensen emphasised, trying to keep the smile out of his voice, “I was calling was to ask if you’re busy next week.”

 

Okay, this was interesting. Jared was all ears. Was Jensen going to ask…..Surely, not?

 

“Why?”

 

“I’m off to Bolivia to film a documentary. It’s a favour for a friend and I’d like to invite you along to take the official photographs.”

 

Jared blinked and dropped his remaining camera on the floor. It rolled to the other side of the hall collecting fuzz from the green carpeting. “You what? You’re….are you serious? You’re offering me a job?”

 

Jensen replied solemnly, “Yes, Jared I’m offering you a job. Do you want to take it?” There was a lengthy pause as Jensen waited for Jared’s reply. But Jared was struck speechless at the offer. “Jared? I had to ask you. I mean when you finally got a round to sending me that photograph it blew me away. You’ve got a great eye for a shot, and my friend is making this documentary for a good cause.”

 

Jared, shaking the cobwebs from his head, smiled, “Count me in. Fuck, I’ve never been to Bolivia. What will you be doing?”

 

Jensen rambled on for a few minutes about Bolivia’s poor and the vast differences to America. “But I’ll also be looking at capturing the spectacular beauty of the place amidst all the rundown parts of the country. I’ve even paid to collect some extra footage. I was hoping that while I’m doing a few rehearsals you wouldn’t mind going into the mountains with Chris.”

 

Mountains? Chris? Oh, crap Kane. That didn’t sound like fun. 

 

It did, however, sound like a good time to do some digging into the bodyguard’s background. Jared may have signed on board to get closer to Jensen, and an opportunity to make some real art, but there was still a journalist inside of him that was itching to dig out a good story. Spending time with Kane would probably give him that. Jared had to know exactly what the bodyguard had over Jensen.

 

“You do realise your bodyguard hates me?” Jared sighed.

 

Jensen’s slight pause before answered was an unwelcome confirmation. “Chris hates everyone. You shouldn’t take it too personally.”

 

Thumping his head back against the door, Jared groaned, “Are you kidding me? The guy told me he’d rip my head off if I tried anything with you.”

 

Um….and that might not have been a good thing to let slip. Long moments of silence followed.

 

“Has that been your plan all along, to try and seduce me?” Jensen’s tone was serious.

 

Yep, this was bad and going downhill fast. 

 

“No,” Jared protested automatically. “No….I….fuck! Shit, sorry. Seriously, I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about you that way, but I told you the truth, for me it’s all about the photograph.” He winced hoping Jensen believed him.

 

“You’re full of shit,” Jensen mocked, but he didn’t sound at all angry.

 

“A little,” Jared conceded, ruffling a hand through his shaggy hair. “It would take a saint not to be attracted to you.”

 

Oh, peachy. Jared was just full of revelations today. Why couldn’t he keep his mouth shut? Chad’s voice came back to haunt him, ‘You’re a fuckwit that’s why!’ ‘You’ve always had no control over your mouth when it comes to sex.’

 

Even after all this time, Chad Michael Murray had a point, although Jared hadn’t proposed to any of his conquests since he’d fallen under Rosenbaum’s spell. His lack of marital promises had been more because he hadn’t actually been sleeping with anyone he really liked. That is until he’d met Jensen. 

 

Not that he’d got the actor into bed yet, or even managed to kiss him. Yet, it was hard to deny they’d come close to it on each occasion that they’d met.

 

Surely, Jensen would get that Jared would be inevitably drawn to him?

 

“Good to know I’m not losing my appeal.” Jensen got it all right.

 

Jared smiled with innuendo on the tip of his tongue, but answered, “Well, I guess I’ll see the real you on this trip. You sure you want gutter trash like me along to record such a respectable documentary? I do have this awful reputation you know.”

 

Jensen took a moment to reply, and Jared wondered if he had taken his words to heart. This was important stuff and there were better-qualified journalists to handle a project of this importance. 

 

“You know how to capture what a persons feeling.” Jensen spoke so softly Jared wasn’t entirely sure that he’d heard correctly.

 

“I….I do….?” Was Jensen alluding to the picture Jared had taken? Would he? Dare he?

 

“You know ‘you’ do,” Jensen stressed his words carefully. 

 

Oh! Fuck! Yes. He….Jensen was….he was telling Jared that what he’d captured in Jensen’s eyes was true! Whoa! Jared reeled on the brakes; he couldn’t get ahead of himself here. Jensen’s eyes may have been full of want and need and lust, and a few other emotions Jared didn’t want to name, but that didn’t mean that they’d been directed back at him. It didn’t mean that Jensen wanted him that way. 

 

Or did it?

 

Weirdly, it was Misha Collin’s voice Jared had stuck on a loop inside his head, “That Jensen, he’s a dangerous one. Damn boy will fuck with you well and good, and no I don’t mean in the literal sense.”

 

Was Jensen fucking with him? Jared sure hoped so.

 

It was a wishful thinking moment Jared could well live to regret.

 

 

13 months ago – Bolivia

 

Escaping to Bolivia had been a thrill for Jared, as he went under a cloud of curse words from Mike.

 

“You what?” 

 

When Mike questioned something using only a limited number of words, Jared knew he was in trouble.

 

“Bolivia with Jensen Ackles.” Jared repeated slowly.

 

“Jensen?” Mike spat out the actors name as if it tasted dirty in his mouth. I might have fuckin’ guessed, and tell me Jared how the fuck did you pull of this miraculous invitation, huh? Is there something you’re not telling me? Have you been boning the guy for the last four fuckin’ months?”

 

Okay, so maybe Jared would have to reveal a little of what he’d been up to. Deciding on the route that was going to earn him the least amount of moaning, Jared opted for a version of the truth, which eliminated only the mention of Jensen’s photograph and the key fact that Christian Kane had been absent from their most significant meeting.

 

“Hmmm, seems like Ackles’ management is slipping, if he’s putting his trust in a snake in the grass like you.” Mike mused. “I’m disappointed in you Jared. You should have used that night to your advantage, and sneaked a crafty photo that you could have cut with Misha’s.”

 

“Why? Then I would have missed out on this chance. Trust me Mike I’m going to get much closer to Jensen this way. I thought you wanted him bringing down? Or would you prefer a lawsuit because we played with a dodgy photograph?”

 

Jared had gone to the heart of Mike’s issues, and he knew it. Rosenbaum would have Jensen’s reputation in tatters if he could. Maybe, just maybe, Mike would even be prepared to sully his favourite fuck toy if Jared could get the job done. 

 

“Okay, go, but I’ll be expecting results from this Jared.” Mike’s voice icy and allowing no room for argument.

 

“I’ll deliver, you have my word.” Jared promised, as he mentally began to pack. There was film to buy and….

 

“Jared,” Mike interrupted. “I know you’re not listening to me, and you’re zoned out on some fanciful idea about this time with Ackles, but listen and listen well. Watch your back and make sure you get something in print. Fuck him if you have to, but don’t get sucked into Jensen’s life.”

 

For one shiny second, Mike’s guard was down. Where commitment and allegiance to his bedmates had been none existent, it seemed for Jared that Mike was prepared to make an exception. Mike would pat him on the back and send him out to do his job, but he was making sure Jared left with a very similar warning to Misha’s ringing in his ears.

 

“You don’t trust him,” Jared replied, stating the obvious.

 

“Never. 

 

 

Bolivia

 

 

Bolivia had a pretty mild and sunny climate, Jared mused as he stared at the street from his hotel window in La Paz. At least until it rained, and at the moment it was doing just that – a lot. It was, somehow, typical that Jensen would chose to shoot a documentary in what had to be the wettest part of the rainy season, and subsequently make Jared’s photographic assignment that much harder to get right.

 

Harder to the point where all of Jared’s time was spent studying weather forecasts, seeking out prospective sheltered points where he could still get a good shot, and hiding himself away in a hired darkroom developing prints to see if they’d turned out okay.

 

It hadn’t left any free time to romance Jensen. Not that the actor had any more available minutes than Jared. Jensen was immersed in learning the history of the country, understanding its culture and its people. It left only the inscrutable Christian Kane with any down time. The bodyguard recognising that with Jensen’s anonymity in Bolivia, it allowed him time to go off and do his own thing. And Kane’s own thing, Jared discovered by accident, as he happened to walk past one day, was to hang around local garages fixing up old motorbikes. The once surly man transformed by an avid group of street kids who watched him while he worked. Kane greeted them with a sunny smile and a chatter of fluent Spanish, often breaking away from his repairs to play a game of football. Jared had stared in rapt fascination curious as to what Kane would have in common with a bunch of dirty children. Sadly, for Jared, his own Spanish wasn’t good enough to follow their conversations beyond the initial hello.

 

The there were the other times, where Jared would find Kane on the veranda of their hotel strumming a worn guitar and singing quietly beneath his breath. Jared grudgingly forced to admit, that for a bodyguard, the man had a really good voice.

 

It was probably because he was tired, that a hot and irritable Jared was busted late one night on the second week of the trip, listening to Kane singing some old country number. “If you have questions just ask Padalecki.” Kane’s southern rumble more remarked than ever amongst all the heavily accented staff at the hotel.

 

Jared stepped out of the shadows, he’d been working for hours on the pictures he’d developed the night before, and his eyes were red rimmed from squinting at the fine details only a photographer would notice. “I don’t have any questions,” he replied.

 

Kane strummed the strings of his guitar a couple of times before glancing over at Jared. “You’re a fuckin’ reporter Jared. You always have questions.”

 

Okay, so maybe a few things had wandered across Jared’s mind, but honestly, right, now, this second, he hadn’t been thinking of anything. “Not guilty,” Jared shrugged. “Sorry to burst your bubble, but I was taking a break and I heard you singing.”

 

Kane stared at Jared, but there was none of the usual heat and anger clouding his vivid blue eyes. “Huh. What are you Padalecki some kinda freak? How did you ever reach those dizzy heights if you’re not always after a story?”

 

A sudden coldness shivered down Jared’s spine. That answer was the easy part. Admitting it was something else. Ignoring Kane’s curious gaze, Jared leaned on the corner of the veranda, the painted wood still warm from the sunny day. “Mike, I guess. That’s what you want to hear, isn’t it? I’m Rosenbaum’s puppet; the pathetic lapdog that’s always a good little boy, fetching his Master a kick ass story. Or maybe you prefer the sad loser who will fuck anything for a buck, and then blab about it in some trashy magazine. Hell, I’ve guilty of both of those. I’m surprised you let Jensen invite me here. It’s not like you haven’t warned me off before.” Jared’s words were loaded with bitterness, and they weren’t all aimed at Kane. Some of them were directed at himself.

 

Chris’s fingers played a few more random cords, like the notes were helping him to piece together what was on his mind. “Well, Jensen got one thing right you sure are one fuckin’ big surprise.”

 

Jared startled. “What?” 

 

Putting his guitar carefully to one side, Chris got slowly to his feet, moving to stand next to Jared, so that their bare arms brushed lightly against each other; deliberate or accidental, Jared couldn’t tell.

 

“Tomorrow you and Jensen are having dinner.”

 

Dinner? Okay, that was news to Jared. And why was Kane telling him this?

 

Taking Jared’s silence for acceptance Chris barrelled on. “It’s nothing fancy, so don’t go overboard. You’re going to leave the hotel in the morning and take a short walk through the Witches Market, so don’t forget your camera. You’ll come back to the hotel where you’ll shoot some fashion photos for an upmarket women’s magazine, before going out for dinner - eight o’clock at Angelo Colonial. Oh, and don’t get excited, the restaurant is charming but it’s not the best in La Paz. It…..” Chris paused, chewing over the phrasing. “Angelo’s is nice enough.”

 

This is the most exciting and disturbing news Jared’s heard since Mike’s proposition.

 

“You what? Huh? Why are you telling me this?” Jared’s confused, and shit, doesn’t he deserve to be? He’s on a shoot he has no credibility for being on, and the bodyguard of an A list movie star has just told him he’s going on a date. A date – what the fuck?

 

His fingers digging into Chris’ arm, Jared pulled the bodyguard around to face him. “What’s going on? What do you mean I’m going out for dinner? Where’s Jensen?”

 

Kane put on his best blank face, and Jared was made painfully aware that he’s not going to get any information the bodyguard isn’t willing to give. With the practised ease of someone who’s been in this position before Kane didn’t blink. “Jensen’s busy, and what part of ‘you’re going out for dinner’ is so confusing for you Jared?”

 

There was a world of malice in that sentence that no amount of polite indifference was going to hide. Christian Kane wasn’t any happier with the arrangements than Jared was.

 

“Why hasn’t Jensen told me this?” Jared had to push it. He just had to. He needed answers, and oh, yeah – there’s the journalistic bad boy in him. Maybe he wasn’t a fuckwit after all.

 

Chris gently removed Jared’s fingers, and sighed. “Why do you think? This is what I do. Its part of the service I provide for Jensen. I fix up assignations for him that need to be handled with discretion. Are you following this Padalecki, or do I need to go a little slower?”

 

Fix up? Jared could almost hear Mike’s celebratory victory dance pounding in time to the thud of Jared’s heart. Yet it’s not a good feeling festering inside of Jared. It’s more like something nasty has just crawled up his ass, and is turning his brain cells into ash. As the penny dropped, that he’s been booked for the Bolivian assignment so Jensen can get his rocks off in the secrecy of a foreign country, Jared feels more than dirty. 

 

He feels used. 

 

It’s more than ironic that this is what Jared does for a living. Jared’s career has been built on fucking from the outset. Except on this occasion it’s going to be Jared that’s more than a little fucked.

 

Mike would love this. It would be like he’d won the lottery. Jared’s fan boy obsession turned into living nightmare.

 

“Ah, so you do get it.” Kane’s observation had zero sympathy. 

 

“Yeah,” Jared snapped. “I get it.”

 

“Good. At least we’re on the same page.”

 

With that parting shot, Kane picked up his guitar and left. Jared didn’t watch him go. He’s can’t. He can’t do anything but be transfixed by the pure and utter beauty of it all. As he has to force himself to consider how Jensen might expect the night to end. Will this see Jared get a story for Mike? Or will simply refuse to go? Except that he can’t refuse. Jared doesn’t know how to walk away from Jensen Ackles.

 

Jared’s decision was made the moment he’d seen Jensen’s photo. He has to go because he’s got so many unanswered questions. He’ll go not just because he’s curious, or that there’s a fat cheque with his name on it just waiting to be cashed. Jared will go because he was serious. He wants his life back. Jared wants his black and white photography, and a subject matter that makes him think and question all his motives. 

 

Jared will go because once upon a time he did believe in love.

 

****

 

La Paz. 

 

Jared may have always been a photographer, but as a journalist words should not have failed him. Yet the highest capital city in the world has managed to render him incapable of putting his feelings down on paper.

 

It’s everything, all the differences in culture, the language, and the people. Yet at the same time it’s none of these. Standing on his hotel balcony, Jared could feel the changeable weather sinking into his bones like melted chocolate. The warmth of the day dampened only by the frequent bursts of rain. Staring from his view point, located in the affluent south end of the town, where the sprawling mass of rich houses and businesses stand proud against a backdrop of less luxurious homes, Jared sighed deeply troubled. Not even this scene with its eclectic mix of houses and high rise’s housing over 2 million people in a bright splash of coloured buildings have done anything to lift his spirits. 

 

Tonight, in less than five hours in fact, Jared would be going on his date. A date with Jensen Ackles, and all orchestrated from the tender guidance of Christian Kane. It should have been perfect, but it wasn’t. If Jared had been under any illusions before, spending a rare day with Jensen had pre-warned him. Where Jensen had been all easy charm and soft laughter in NY and LA, in Bolivia he was full of teasing banter and witty innuendo. He would have done Mike Rosenbaum proud. Perhaps that was why, at one time, the pair had been attracted to each other.

 

During the afternoon photo shoot, with Jared sweating profusely and wiping sticky hair from his eyes, Jensen had lounged artfully against a chair, shirt unbuttoned to the waist. “You don’t seem happy Jared?” Jensen noted.

 

“Really?” Jared muttered, tilting Jensen’s chin to the side, so that the sunlight hit his jaw line perfectly.

 

Jensen frowned, “Jared, please don’t make this more complicated than it has to be.”

 

Jared froze. He stood silent with camera half raised.

 

“This is why I like you,” Jensen said softly, moving out of his pose to take Jared’s camera from his hands. “You’re not cut out for this business. Sure, you’ve done a bang up job of fucking half of Hollywood, but deep down its not who you really are.”

 

Jared reached out to take his camera back, finding his way blocked by Jensen’s hands. “What are you though, Jensen?”

 

“I’m part of that animal you’ve been fucking, so what’s one more going to matter adding to your list?”

 

It was a shocking revelation; spoken in a voice utterly devoid of emotion. It was recited so perfectly calmly, as if Jensen were discussing the weather or the latest hockey game. It really was a carbon copy of something Mike Rosenbaum would say, and Jared felt the parallels in his life converge and centre where he stood.

 

“Does it have to be?” he asked, without raising his eyes. He didn’t need to see the mocking irony in Jensen’s.

 

“It can’t be ‘anything’ else,” Jensen stressed, his voice tight and controlled. 

 

It could be, Jared’s mind screamed. It could be so much more. They could be good together. They were Jared and Jensen with the world in their pockets. 

 

It was a fantastical dream, but it couldn’t fly.

 

Jensen touched Jared’s cheek. “I am who I am Jared, and I won’t apologise for it. I have expectations to meet and contracts to honour. My life is mapped out. No deviations and no distractions.” 

 

Jared clasped his hand over Jensen’s, and held those questing fingers still. “I saw you Jensen. I saw your soul in that photograph. You can’t tell me that ‘this’ is all of you, because I don’t believe it. I know what you want. I could see it.”

 

Jensen didn’t fight against Jared’s hold, and for a second or two they stood locked together. “Maybe you did,” Jensen answered. “But that doesn’t change anything. I can’t be ‘that’ person. I won’t be.” With the lie in everything he did, Jensen’s lips ghosted over Jared’s.

 

Jared replied hungrily, snaring Jensen’s mouth in defiance. He would take what couldn’t be offered. Take it, drink and devour it. Take and take and take until there was no more Jared. He would fill up on Jensen. That was all he needed. In an angry sob, Jared poured his want into that kiss. Tempting, asking, begging for something that he could never own.

 

With an effort, Jensen pulled himself away. “I’m going to get changed. We can finish the rest of the pictures tomorrow. Don’t be late for dinner, the car’s booked for half seven.”

 

Under the backdrop of Illimani, the majestic masterpiece of snow covered mountain peaks Jared felt his heart grow cold. It seemed he was doomed to love a man who lived within the belly of a beast that was going to kill them both.


	8. Chapter 8

‘It’s only half way past the point of oblivion’

Pink – Glitter in the Air

 

 

Thirteen Months ago…..at dinner

 

 

Jared had to admit that the location and surroundings of the Angelo Colonial within the Witches Market were - different. On some level the restaurant reminded him of the Writer’s Room back at the Raffles L’Ermitage, with its unique charm and character, while on the other hand it was also completely alien to anywhere he’d been before. 

 

Jared had visited the Witches Market, or as the locals called it Mercado de la Hechiceria, earlier that day in the company of Jensen and a local guide. Armed with camera in one hand and a guide book in the other, Jared had been directed through the multitude of brightly coloured stalls in somewhat of a daze. The market wasn’t a market by the usual definition. There were no welcoming smiles of invitation to buy an aunty a pretty shawl, or to pick up a hand crafted work of art for Mike. This was a busy market that sold something completely different – namely herbs and magic charms. The entire place was littered with potions and strange figurines for every imaginable occasion. You could buy dried frogs to increase your chances of being rich, a llama fetus for a new business venture, or a naked ceramic couple to improve your sex life. Jared, ever curious, had been particularly drawn towards a figurine of a god called Ekeko, the small red cheeked, grinning icon who brought prosperity. The guide had solemnly advised him that if your home housed a figurine of Ekeko, and you bought a representation of what you wanted in your life during the Alasita festival, like a car, animal, or house, Ekeko would get you it during the year. Jared welled up on the reckless thought that maybe if he bought one, and wished hard enough, it would bring him Jensen.

 

The evening had brought a quieter atmosphere to the market area that Jared barely noticed the Bolivian armadillo’s or husk like insects as they passed on their way to the restaurant. 

 

The Angelo Colonial was situated on the second floor of an old and once impressive mansion. Tucked innocently away between tiny shops, the restaurant’s access was via a magnificent garden courtyard, and Jared had grown quite drunk on the intoxicating aroma of scented flowers the second that they had entered. Jensen, who had supposedly not been to Bolivia before, quickly leading them up a simple wooden staircase, and through into a room with mismatched hand carved chairs positioned around impressive wooden tables. Jared gaped, it was nothing like he’d expected. And as Jensen pointed upwards when they took their seats, Jared’s eyes widened even further. If the room wasn’t a sufficiently bold enough statement then the antique photographs littering the ceiling surely was. It had Jared stunned. It was incredible, and not even the ugly arrangements of his date with Jensen could dampen his enthusiasm after that. 

 

Jensen of course noticed Jared’s wide eyes. The big man’s behaviour so very like a four year old receiving a special gift.

 

“You like this?” It almost wasn’t a question, as amusement tinged Jensen’s words.

 

Jared nodded speechless. His menu card, which was clutched in his left hand, was woefully neglected, as he turned his head up towards the ceiling. Twisting and turning it at peculiar angles to study the pictures that had captured a Bolivia of the past.

 

Jensen laughed. “I think I might have outdone myself. I wasn’t expecting to get dumped in favour of a few old photos!”

 

Jared flushed, and drew his eyes back towards Jensen. Oh holy fuck - his date. And oh, what a date he was. Resplendent in white linen trousers and a grey, loose, short sleeved shirt, Jensen was sophistication and sex. On any other night Jared might have been able to savour the sight, and enjoy his time with one of Hollywood’s most wanted bachelors. Tonight, however, was different. Tonight he had been briefed by Christian Kane. Jared might be at an intimate dinner with Jensen, but this wasn’t to celebrate the beginning of a romantic affair. No, this was an invitation to something far more sad and sleazy. Bizarrely, it reminded Jared of Mike Rosenbaum.

 

“I guess you know how to play me,” Jared observed rather coolly. “I suppose it wasn’t hard, as I’m pretty much an open book.”

 

Jensen sighed, fiddling with the stem of his wine glass. “You’re still not happy about this are you?”

 

Jared scoffed, “Let me think about that…..hmmm – no!” He took a long drink from his own glass, enjoying the fresh lemon bite of the white wine as it went down.

 

“Jared…..”

 

“Don’t,” Jared admonished. “Don’t go there.” He shook his head. “I don’t want to hear this! I don’t want to hear that you think I’m just another star struck fuck like Misha Collins!” 

 

“You’re not, and need I remind you I never slept with Misha Collins.”

 

Jared frowned and snatched up the wine bottle, eager to refill his glass. “I doubt you get much sleep with any of the guys you take out on this kind of date!” He added sourly. 

 

It was a harsh and bitter swipe at Jensen’s overture towards a relationship beyond the boundaries that they’d built. And if Jensen had expected Jared to fall gratefully at his feet then the movie star was in for one big shock.

 

Jared was no longer a man who gave in easily. Rosenbaum had made sure of that at least.

 

“I don’t know why I accepted tonight arrangements,” Jared stated flatly. He hated this. He hated himself for saying yes. It hurt. It really hurt. It was a stinging type of pain that settled just below his ribs. “It’s not like I’m desperate for a fuck. While, I can guess you might be spectacular in the sack, at the end of the day what would it mean?”

 

They glared each other into silence. And as Jared tore strips off a piece of bread, flaking it between his fingers, Jensen watched in rapt fascination; carefully following the tiny pieces as they floated down onto the table like miniature snowflakes.

 

What would any of this mean? Jared sighed regretfully. As he thought - hadn’t he lost the right to demand a fair and level playing field the day he’d crawled into bed with Mike? Wasn’t he trying too hard to swim his way out of danger?

 

“Jared…..” Jensen started to speak, but for some reason the words choked in his throat. “I want you here,” he stressed. “Not just because we have this attraction between us but ….” he sighed. “You’re a fine photographer and deep down I don’t think you’re this guy you’ve been playing. I honestly don’t know who you are, but you are someone I do want to get to know a little better.”

 

Jensen looked so serious Jared wasn’t in a position to rebuke him. Beside, why should he care what Jensen thought of him at the end of the day? Shouldn’t he get his fun from where he could? More importantly, didn’t he have photographs that he owed to Mike? 

 

Placing his menu card on the table, Jared licked his bottom lip and considered all his options. And all the while the devil in his mind couldn’t help but taunt: what options.

 

“Jensen. Fuck, this is difficult, and I can’t believe I’m setting myself up to be the loser who blows it with ‘the movie star,’ but I can’t be your dirty little secret.” Jared might have just thrown away his chances, but he couldn’t stop, not now. “I won’t be the casual pick up that can be cast aside when things get a bit hot. I….I’ve been that guy for way too long, and as much as I’m attracted you, I won’t be that guy.”

 

Something indefinable flashed in Jensen’s eyes as Jared spoke, and instead of being quickly hidden behind a mask of cool indifference it remained steady, smouldering just below the surface, as the actor weighed up Jared’s reply. “Jared, I told you…”

 

“I know,” Jared interrupted quickly, fingers stretching out to cover Jensen’s hand. The candlelight casting only a pale glow within the room, doing much to hide whatever assignations were taking place within the restaurant. “I know,” he repeated. “Just like I’ve been honest, and told you I can’t do what you’re asking of me. Not without some attachment.”

 

Attachment - it was such an emotive word, and alluded to so many different things. To Jared it meant the offering of his heart, but to Jensen – well, who knew.

 

Jensen copied Jared’s lead and topped up his wine glass. “You want what? Some sort of relationship with me? Do you think we can have a happy ever after Jared? Do you think my career and life is that simple?”

 

“Of course not!” Jared frowned it wasn’t like he was stupid. He did ruin lives for a living after all.

 

“Look,” Jensen sighed. “Let’s just eat and talk and enjoy the rest of our night out. No strings, just us, as friends.” 

 

It was a simple offer, and maybe even a token truce, as Jared leaned back in his chair and watched how Jensen’s eyes fell, and his body language looked defeated. 

 

“Okay.” It seemed the least Jared could do. This was bad, like cosmic bad. Jared was playing for his life, and worse he was plagued by two enormous problems: annoyance over his own hesitation, and anger at the laughing demon who told him not to forget about Mike Rosenbaum. Noticing that his agreement appeared to placate Jensen a little, Jared picked up his menu card and called the waiter over.

 

In the end dinner was a huge success. The food, while simple, was both tasty and well cooked. And the ambience of Angelo’s was relaxing, and after two more bottles of wine, Jensen’s guard came well and truly down. 

 

The unhurried service allowing the two men to discuss their lives: Jared’s small town childhood, his once inseparable friendship with Chad, and the accolades he’d won under the tutelage of Mike. While, Jensen related his own isolated childhood, from being thrust into the spotlight and the new contacts he was making courtesy of his acting skills and handsome face. 

 

If one of their lives called be called not living, Jared was certain that it wasn’t his. He may have made bad choices, but Jensen’s decisions were based not on his real desires, but instead on the back of multi million dollar movie deals.

 

“Don’t you ever wish for a normal life?” Jared asked, yawning. He was feeling drowsy from the meal and lingering warmth of the evening.

 

“Sometimes,” Jensen admitted, face flushed and smiling. “But what’s normal? Your life? Kane’s?” He shook his head. “I don’t think there is such a thing as normal.”

 

Jared considered this. “Okay, maybe not normal then, but what about ordinary? Don’t you ever want to be just an average Joe? Get up at eight and go to work for nine, come home for five, and spend the night in a bar picking up loose women?”

 

Jensen laughed. “First – you could hardly call me ordinary, and that’s not arrogance it’s an annoying fact, that doesn’t leave my life with any peace. Two – nine to five sounds deathly and dull. I could never do it. Three - ” 

 

Jared groaned. “There really is a three?”

 

“Oh, yes you’d better believe there is a three!” Jensen’s smile split impossibly wider, as he tapped his foot against Jared’s beneath the table. “Three is I don’t do loose women. Give me a loose guy, and then you’re talking!”

 

“So,” Jared hedged, tapping his foot back in retaliation. “What things do you look for in a guy?”

 

Jensen, suddenly, serious growled, “I thought we weren’t going there?”

 

Jared froze, wine glass hovering between his lips and the table. “S..s..s..orry….we’re….shit….I didn’t…..damn it!” 

 

He fell silent.

 

Jensen shrugged. “Don’t sweat it. I wasn’t having a dig at you for being moralistic. Although it’s annoying for my libido, I guess at some level I do understand where you’re coming from.”

 

“Thanks. I can’t believe I turned you down. Chad certainly would never believe it.”

 

Jensen grinned. “I think I like this Chad, and you can always change your mind you know.”

 

Jared rolled his eyes in answer.

 

By the time they did leave it was almost closing anyway. Only a few hardy couples remained, and as they wandered down the stairs, Jared began to regret the couple of brandies that had easily followed all of the wine they’d drunk. Feeling tipsy, he threw his arm across Jensen’s shoulders, pulling him into the moonlit courtyard on their way back towards their car. 

 

Jensen’s body was warm beneath Jared’s hands, and his aftershave mingled with the sultry aroma of flowers, leaving Jared overpowered and weak. 

 

He wanted Jensen. It wasn’t complicated. 

 

Jared’s initial attraction had developed from appreciation and lust into something more solid and real. As he dawdled to a halt, Jared’s hand moved from Jensen’s shoulder to trace the upward curve of his spine, before settling in his hair. With caution cast aside, Jared made his move, swiftly and without warning. Tipping Jensen’s head back, Jared kissed him long and deep. It was like drinking the sweetest elixir, and getting instantly drunk on the merest taste of it. Jared groaned as his tongue licked and teased at Jensen’s, and his fingers popped the top buttons of the actor’s shirt.

 

“Don’t stop,” Jensen muttered his voice low and scratchy, as Jared’s hand slipped inside his shirt. “I don’t want you to ever stop.”

 

Jared drunk on everything whimpered a little.

 

This was frighteningly erotic, mauling Jensen in a public garden. The danger of being discovered had rapidly lost out to the thrill of feeling how the actor fell apart beneath Jared’s hands.

 

“Touch me,” Jared commanded, spreading his feet apart slightly, as he directed Jensen’s hand down towards his groin.

 

Jensen’s touch was fire, and Jared felt like a million fireworks had gone off in his brain, when a firm and steady hand boldly rubbed over the bulge in his trousers. From far away, Jared heard a muffled whimper as his teeth nibbled a delicate pathway over the skin below Jensen’s ear. This was Jared’s fantasies, and they were about to come true, and….

 

“That’s not a good idea. I think we need to leave –NOW.” 

 

Jared startled in shock at the stern and chilly words, while Jensen, he noted, only looked resigned as he immediately released his hold on Jared. 

 

It was of course – Kane, the less than affable bodyguard who stood over by the arched entrance to the courtyard. His face half hidden in dark shadows doing little to hide his annoyance.

 

Jensen followed Kane without argument towards the waiting car, while Jared trooped some three feet behind, feeling much like a naughty schoolboy. In reflection it was possibly a good thing that Chris had broken up their party, Jared mused. The wine and bohemian atmosphere had worked their magic, and had left him exposed and vulnerable to Jensen’s charms. Jared’s actions in the garden were clear evidence of that. In fact, now that he had time to breath, Jared could see that he’d gone from stoic resistance to melting under Jensen’s gaze in just a few short hours. It reminded Jared vividly of a time when Kane had branded him as poison. While, Jared’s career choices might leave a nasty taste, the tactics that Jensen employed to gain Jared’s co-operation hadn’t been any less toxic.

 

With Kane driving them back to the hotel, Jared avoided looking directly at Jensen. The actor sat at the farthest end of the backseat, face in hard lines. If Jared had been relieved by Kane’s interruption, Jensen certainly was not. The entire trip back was made in a silence that grew more awkward by the second. With Jared staring at the back of Chris’ head, wondering, not for the first time, how a lowly bodyguard could command Jensen in such a way.

 

“I’m going to bed,” Kane announced abruptly, and Jared realised they’d parked. “If you two are…..fuck it.” Chris glared at Jensen. “You should know how to be discrete by now.”

 

Jared flinched under the weight of Kane’s filthy mood, as he got out the car and headed in the direction of the hotel bar.

 

“I don’t think he’s happy with us,” Jared said, stating the obvious.

 

Jensen huffed quietly and looked at Jared, eyes coal dark in the barely lit parking lot. “So, we gonna fuck, or what?”

 

Jared froze, was this guy serious? Could Jensen turn his feelings on and off like a tap? Did he like being ordered around by his bodyguard? 

 

Jared shook his head. “You’re unreal, you know that right?”

 

Jensen apparently didn’t, as he shrugged, “What’s your problem? We we’re going fine until we had to come back?”

 

Okay, so they were going to have this little showdown in a parking lot. Different, but then much of Jared’s life had been unusual.

 

“So, you don’t think I should be bothered we got busted feeling each other up in a public garden, then?”

 

Jensen’s face was fixed in the same hard lines that Kane had worn when he’d crept into the courtyard and caught them mid seduction. And worst of all his eyes remained expressionless and blank, and like a soulless man he stood there waiting for Jared. 

 

Jared rubbed a disbelieving hand over his face, at Jensen’s silence. “Man, you’re cold.”

 

“Cold?” Jensen queried; hands in trouser pockets as he stood there so casual and unmoved. “I don’t know what you mean.”

 

Of course he didn’t. This date, the whole night, it was simply like painting by numbers to Jensen. Chris’ interruption had just reset Jensen back to his usual behaviour. It wasn’t anything personal. It was just the way he was.

 

“I thought,” Jared replied slowly, shuffling to within a feet of the star. “That I’d covered this. I won’t be a secret fuck that you can go back to ignoring once you’re done.”

 

“And here was me thinking we’d found our happy place,” Jensen’s words splashed and crackled like scotch poured over ice.

 

It would be so easy. Almost too easy: to say yes. Jared, so used to living that kind of life, could have slipped back in as effortlessly as breathing. Ironic then, that it had been through his initial meetings with Jensen, that now he didn’t want to.

 

“I guess our happy place wasn’t somewhere where we were together,” Jared answered.

 

“No?” 

 

For a tiny moment Jared was sure he could see regret haunting Jensen’s eyes. 

 

“No,” he replied, resolutely.

 

There was nothing more to say, and for the first time in forever it didn’t bother Jared.

“I’ll see you in the morning, Jensen.” 

 

Slowly, Jared backed away.

 

“Wait.”

 

Jared paused, taking a deep breath before he turned around.

 

While Jared had been preparing himself for pleading eyes and a bellyful of meaningless promises from Jensen, he came face to face with something he wasn’t expecting.

 

Jensen wasn’t looking at him, as he was standing half turned to stare back down the dark driveway. For a moment Jared wondered if Jensen even realised he was still there. The actor was completely lost in thought, so immersed in his own secret emotions. 

 

“I don’t….I…” Jensen cleared his throat. “I knew you weren’t that guy that I’ve read about in the news. I even guessed that you might not even like Mike, but…..” he ruffled his short hair in annoyance. “I never expected you to be this different. Fuck it, Jared. Why couldn’t you be who you were supposed to be?”

 

Jared’s eyes popped wide. “What?”

 

Jensen looked at him with eyes like glittering, fiery diamonds. “All the men I’ve picked up were happy to jump inside my bed. Some might have been a little star struck and taken the opportunity to make a quick buck, but most of them they accepted the way this game is played. But you….no.” Jensen shook his head amazed. “You’ve shacked up with the worst person you probably could, betrayed friends and knifed so many people in the back to get your name in lights. Yet, somehow, along that journey you didn’t just become jaded, you actually woke up.”

 

“I did tell you that,” Jared defended, wondering if he should feel insulted.

 

“Telling me is one thing Jared, but living it is quite another.”

 

Jared took a step forward, but Jensen waved him back. “Don’t. I need to think. I….I don’t know how much I want to change, and honestly I don’t know if I trust how much you have. I know the life you’ve led isn’t really you, but I’m still unsure if this is part of a stunt you’re pulling to get some sort of newsworthy confession, or if you being completely genuine?”

 

Jared didn’t answer. How could he? Was he even sure? When Jensen wasn’t around he’d gone back to his usual tricks. Obeying the whims of Mike and sleeping around.

 

“So, you’re not sure either,” Jensen stated flatly.

 

Jared rolled his eyes heavenwards, but he knew there were no answers there. “I’m not going to appeal to your better nature, because in this type of thing,” Jared gestured between them, “you don’t have one. I’m bad, I know that.” 

Fuck this was difficult, and it was taking Jared to places he wasn’t even sure that he was ready to go. But some things were crystal clear. “Do I want you, yeah that’s a given too. I guess what we ‘both’ need to understand is that I’d very much like to keep you in my life. How that fits, well I just don’t know.”

 

Jensen shivered; he looked in pain, but from what Jared couldn’t tell. There was so much about him Jared didn’t know. 

 

“I can’t. No, I won’t make you any promises,” Jensen took a deep breath, and pulled his shoulders back as moved steadily towards Jared. “No one has ever put me in this position before Jared, and I’m not sure that I like it.”

 

Jared, so used to studying people, traced the confusion in Jensen’s face from the suspicion in his eyes, to the worry in his frown, and down into the tightness of his lips. Jensen still looked beautiful. He was the type of man that always would. 

 

Oh, Jared was so not expecting the next words out of his mouth, as his traitorous heart took over. “I’ve never told anyone I love them before, not and really meant it.” 

 

Jensen gasped and took an unconscious step forward. Inches from Jared’s body he was compelled closer by the fusion of Jared’s declaration, and his own need for this self confessed money driven hack. Suddenly, it all seemed so funny, as Jensen’s fingers reached out to trail a gentle line across Jared’s cheek. “This is a night for firsts,” he chuckled to ease the tension.

 

Jared stock still said quietly, “Yeah, I know.”

 

It would have been so easy to take this further. Play out the night as Jensen had expected it to go, but instead of Jared just resisting it, Jensen was as well. If they were to succeed in defining what they were, it would take more than one meaningless night of sex.

 

“Tomorrow you’re going out with Chris,” Jensen said slowly, and there was an edge to his tone that caused Jared to raise his eyebrows. “ 

 

“Is this bad?” Jared smiled.

 

Jensen chewed his lip. 

 

Okay, so maybe it was. 

 

“You’re going to be going up into the mountains to take some extra footage. Chris will be your driver. Jared…..you’re going to be travelling on El Camino de la Muerte.”

 

Jared, not for the first time, wished he could speak better Spanish. “That’s, what? The road of something or other?”

 

Jensen nodded, “The Road of Death.”

 

Jared took Jensen’s hand in his. “Come on it can’t be that bad,” he joked.

 

“Bad enough,” Jensen’s fingers clenched tight around Jared’s. “It’s the most dangerous road in the world. Around 300 people die on it every year. There are no guard rails and in places it’s only 10 feet wide. The weather along it is unpredictable and you could hit fog, dust and most definitely rain. Be careful Jared, I’m sending you up there with Chris.”

 

Chris. 

 

And there it was - the other big monster looming over their relationship It wasn’t just El Camino de la Muerte Jared was, suddenly, afraid of – it was Christian ‘I’m going to fucking kill you’ Kane.


	9. Chapter 9

  
Author's notes: Apologies for any inaccuracies with the Spanish - blame Google!  


* * *

‘But it’s too late to think of the value of my life’

Rhianna – Russian Roulette

 

Present Day

 

The night was closing in, and still no one had passed by the lonely bridge where Jared was precariously balanced.

 

It was apt, perhaps more than fitting, that his current position now mimicked where his life had been directed a little over a year ago. Jared’s mind flicked amused through his memories of when he’d taken that memorable ride along El Camino de la Muerte in the less than safe haven of Christian Kane’s truck.

 

Thirteen Months ago – Bolivia, El Camino de la Muerte

 

After Jared’s conversation with Jensen, he inevitably got no sleep that night. It wasn’t unsurprising considering the actors warning, and Jared’s rampant imagination about his imminent journey with Kane and El Camino de la Muerte. 

 

The Road of Death! The Road of Death! The words rattled over and over in his brain.

 

Jared didn’t know, however, if it was the historically tragic road that that he feared, or if it was the reminder of Christian Kane’s threatening phone call, when he’d warned Jared not to pursue Jensen. In truth, having stared into Jensen’s worried eyes, it was probably both.

 

The Road of Death hadn’t been branded lightly. 

 

Jared had confirmed its reputation by taking to the internet at 3am when he finally resigned himself to having zero sleep. El Camino de la Muerte had worked hard to gain its status taking lives by the score. Young and old, men, woman and children it didn’t matter. The road was like a dangerous animal, and like a fierce beast it wasn’t there to look either cute or cuddly. The steep, winding stretch from La Paz to Coroico had been built by Paraguayan prisoners in the 1930’s. Jared, in his musings as he flicked between web pages, wondered if the prisoner’s misery and detention had seeped into the foundations they had carved. Were their depressed and miserable souls reaching out to snatch a weary traveller? Jared shook his head; Jensen’s warning, and the superstitions of the Witches Market were influencing his thoughts too much.

 

Irritated he powered down his laptop, and began sorting through his film. At the end of the day he was here to do a job, and if Jensen needed footage then Jared would damn well take it. 

 

End of story.

 

Except of course it wasn’t.

 

A little after dawn, Chris Kane was waiting by his hired truck, and Jared, over laden with equipment and hoping he’d have been there first, sighed as he tentatively edged towards him. This wasn’t a great start to what promised to be a dismal day.

 

Kane, with his customary cowboy hat tilted to one side watched Jared with lazy, spring blue eyes. Dressed in a ripped sleeveless shirt and well worn light blue jeans, he greeted Jared with unusual welcoming smile. 

 

A smile that said: ‘now I’ve got you.’

 

Jared swallowed hard. “You ready to set off?” he asked nervously.

 

Kane shrugged. “Don’t you need to say goodbye to Jensen?” It was said casually, but Jared didn’t miss the slight stress on the word ‘goodbye’.

 

“I think I’ll live without a farewell speech.” Jared met Kane’s blue eyes; he could play games too, if that’s what Chris wanted.

 

Kane laughed. “Well good for you Padalecki. I like a man who can say it like it is.”

 

Jared shuddered. He didn’t like being called Padalecki, and certainly not by Chris. “It’s my funeral is that it?” he asked, daring Kane to spell out what he would do to him.

 

“You got it in one, Padalecki!” Chris’ eyes brightened and without any warning he reached over, and tossed Jared’s camera’s carelessly in the back of the truck. “Got it one,” he repeated, reaching up to pull Jared forward by the neck. A broad smile warming his entire face, Kane planted a sloppy kiss on Jared’s forehead. “That’s my boy,” he winked.

 

Jared flushed down to his toes. Chris was fucking with him, and not in a good way. 

 

Speaking of fucking…..Jared glanced around, but there was no sign of Jensen. The actor was either still asleep, or he didn’t want to witness Jared starting out on what could be a one way trip. It was a further hard reminder that Jensen Ackles didn’t do relationships. Whatever ‘it’ was that they may have tentatively brushed upon the night before, ‘it’ still hadn’t penetrated into Jensen’s heart.

 

“Get in the cab Jared.” Chris for once used Jared’s first name. “The weather forecast isn’t good this afternoon, and I don’t fancy being stuck out overnight on no mountain road with you.”

 

“You mean the Road of Death.” Jared climbed inside Kane’s truck and slammed the door. “Jensen told me what it’s called.”

 

Chris gunned the engine and pulled out of the hotel complex. “Did he now? Well, ain’t that just considerate of the boy to warn you. I guess Jensen does have a soft spot for you after all,” he chuckled.

 

“You’re a pig, you know that, right?” Jared pulled the visor down to avoid the early morning glare of sunlight on the road.

 

Chris glanced across as Jared, as he stopped to let some kids across the road. “You know jack shit about me, Jared. Best you think on that before you run off at the mouth.”

 

If that was supposed to scare Jared, strangely it failed to work. Maybe it was the fact that Chris had stopped for the children, or perhaps it was because his words carried none of their usual heat. Either way, it made Jared braver than he normally was.

 

“Rosenbaum’s my boss, and you think you can intimidate me?” 

 

Kane missed a gear and cursed. “You boy, I always said you were trouble. Don’t go proving me right so early on this trip. You might not make it up that fuckin’ road, and I’d hate for Jensen to miss out on those pictures that he needs.”

 

OH. Well, if there hadn’t been any threats before - that was one right there.

 

Opting for cautiousness in the face of what could be a life changing journey Jared, shut his mouth, and settled in his seat. And as they drove out of the city, leaving the colourful array of houses way behind, Jared glanced out of the window. Where there had been a few sparse buildings littering the route the terrain had changed to rainforest, and they were climbing the mountain road quite fast.

 

“Don’t we need to slow down?” Jared asked, as he noticed the steep incline from his side of the truck.

 

Kane, accelerating harder, shook his head. “Not yet. We’ll be forced to slow down in a short while. We’re climbing 3 miles above sea level, and that’s hard work for any engine.”

 

Jared nodded, as gradually they began to climb. And with nothing to do but gaze out of the window he studied how the leaves folded gracefully against each other, the intricate vines snaking and trailing like exotic dancers. Eyes wide, Jared understood why he had to be here. The internet couldn’t do this justice. There was a majesty and power to this road. It was an atmosphere like nowhere else, and it was all set against a backdrop that communed with something deeply hidden within his soul. It made Jared want to hold his breath at the sheer beauty as they rose above a picture perfect mix of green and gold. Even if he hadn’t been expecting to traverse the road of death, Jared knew that this view was something he wouldn’t have been able to resist. Necessity of travel would make a person take El Camino de la Muerte, but the thrill seekers and creative artists like Jared, would be pulled towards it by something else: passion. El Camino de la Muerte was a promise; a burning taunt to capture something wild. Or perhaps even to experience the excitement of something unique, yet terrifyingly one short step away from the edge of death.

 

Realistically Jared knew he was waxing lyrical, and still he couldn’t help it. Was this how the road lulled the innocent to the edge? Did it talk to them? Whisper to their desires? He almost didn’t care. This was the exquisite perfection he had been seeking all his life, and possibly even more than he longed for Jensen, he wanted to hold on to this.

 

“Jared!” a voice bellowed. It was Kane. Chris snapped his fingers and frowned as Jared looked blankly at him. “You okay there. You really zoned out for several minutes. The air up here gets thinner and it can do weird shit with your head.”

 

Right! Now Chris decided to let him know. 

 

“Sorry, I got thinking.” Jared answered, knowing that Chris wouldn’t understand.

 

Chris snorted. “Huh. Well, I won’t ask what you were thinking. You arty types are a little crazy.” 

 

“Is that right? You know you’re dumping your boss in that category.” Jared observed.

 

Kane never taking his eyes off the road, answered quietly. “Yeah, I know.”

 

Jared’s heart lurched. Was that a crack in Kane’s armour? Did he mean something with that remark? Staring hard at the bodyguard, Jared willed him to turn around. 

 

With Chris – there was no such luck.

 

Eventually, after 10 minutes Jared got bored of glaring at the side of Chris’ face, and pulled a camera out of his bag. It wasn’t ideal to try and take a still shot while they were moving, especially not over this rough terrain, but he needed to do something to take the away the doubt niggling in his head.

 

“What are those?” Jared asked, zooming in on a small white object that was fixed lopsided on the verge.

 

Kane sighed like Jared had asked the worst question ever. “You really want to know?”

 

Jared rubbed his head frustrated. “Yeah,” he replied tersely, “I really want to know, so spill.”

 

“It’s a cross,” Kane replied. “Like those up front.” He pointed at an alcove carved into the cliff.

 

Jared released his seat belt and curiously zoomed in. Hell, they were crosses, all a different size and each fixed haphazardly as if they’d been left there in a rush. Eight painted white crosses with a rosary of flowers hung around them. “Are they what I think they’re for?”

 

Kane sighed, “Yeah, Jared they’re for the dead. This road isn’t a joke you know. If you’re not switched on 100% of the time the next bend could be your last.”

 

Jared, feeling more than gruesome, took a quick photo, inching back to stare at Chris. There were lots of things that had bothered about the bodyguard, and even more so since they’d arrived in Bolivia, and specifically La Paz. The familiarity which he and Jensen had with the city didn’t quite fit. At first he’d put it down to studying travel books and Jensen doing his homework on the country. Yet how did that explain Chris? Why would a bodyguard have so much knowledge? And curiously how did he interact with the street kids so easily?

 

“You’ve been here before,” Jared breathed, as the penny dropped. “You both have! You and Jensen, although Jensen hides it better.”

 

“Nice try, Padalecki.”

 

But Jared knew he was right. He just goddamn knew it! The restaurant Angelo Colonial might be a tourist favourite, and yeah, that could be explained away with a guide book, but Jensen had walked through the courtyard garden and up those stairs like a man who knew his way. And there was Chris who was so nonchalant for someone whose livelihood was security, but here in La Paz, Chris had been totally unconcerned about his charges welfare. Only a man who knew and trusted a place would ever be as relaxed as he was. Because even when Chris had ordered them back to the hotel the night before, he’d still left them to their own devices in the parking lot.

 

“Damn straight I’m right!” Jared exploded. “Why lie to me over being here before? What do you have to hide, Chris? Has Jensen taken many ‘dates’ to that restaurant before? Do all his men make a little trip with you along El Camino de la Muerte?”

 

Kane swore and manhandled the steering wheel as they went over a set of deep potholes. “You ask too many questions Padalecki.”

 

But Jared was on a roll; the inherent reporter in him refusing to give up.

 

“Tell me!” he demanded, failing to see that they were winding along a narrow piece of rocky road, and the rain was starting to fall. The constant jarring in his brain had numbed his body and the frequent rain storms were now an expected hindrance. 

 

Chris didn’t answer as he steered their truck away from the cliff edge. “Not now Jared,” he said warningly. Knowing, but not drawing Jared’s attention, to the steepness of the drop on his side of the truck. 

 

Jared held onto his seat, glaring at Chris and hating Jensen for not being here. This whole trip was a joke. Some made up story to get him here! Jensen hadn’t invested in Jared’s work he was simply looking to get laid. Then Jared had gone and spoiled it all by getting too attached.

 

Mike, Misha, and even fucking Kane, they all knew the real Jensen. 

 

Chris took his eyes off the road for a split second. “Don’t be an idiot Padalecki. You don’t know the half of it.”

 

Something was bound to happen. 

 

It was fate. 

 

And at that oh, so predictable moment, there just had to be a lorry heading southbound. 

 

Jared barely had time to register what was happening.

 

The lorry wasn’t travelling fast, but it was large, old and difficult to manoeuvre. Its brakes were shot, and there was almost no traction to be had from a road of mud and grit. In a whine of brakes and groan of rusted metal, the lorry bounced off the sides of the canyon wall, its wheel rims running along the inside of a deep gully as it attempted to pass on the left hand side. Chris caught the bounce full force and reacted quickly to keep control.

 

“Fuck!” Kane roared, as the truck slid, and they wavered on a grassy crumbling strip of road beside the deep ravine. “Hold on, Padalecki.”

 

Jared’s camera dropped into the foot well, as the next jolt sent one of the truck’s wheels skirting off the edge. With heart pounding, Jared shot a look at Chris, who was trying desperately to gain any sot of traction. 

 

“This is not good, not good,” Chris repeated, as the wing mirror on their truck snapped off, and the sharp edges of the lorry scrapped loudly along the side. 

 

With zero room between them they ground loudly to a halt, and then the heavens really opened.

 

“We need to get off this ledge!” Jared shouted. His eyes wild as he saw the verge crumbling under the strain of holding their truck.

 

“Tell me something I don’t know smart ass!”

 

Kane’s door and window were blocked from the lorry, and Chris began scrambling over the backseat.

 

“What are you doing?” Jared asked, too afraid to move.

 

“I can’t get out my side, and I rather suspect you don’t fancy a 2000 foot drop into oblivion, so I’m trying to make an alternative way out. Feel free to help me sometime, Padalecki.”

 

Jared scowled, “What do you want me to do?”

 

Kane tested the back window, “I need something to break the glass. I can’t risk trying to kick the damn thing out.”

 

There was nothing as far as Jared could see. Everything that was heavy was stowed in the back of the truck. All except: his camera. Careful not to rock them too much, Jared fumbled at his feet until his hands hit the moulded plastic of his aged Canon camera.

 

“Will this do?”

 

Kane took the offered item and nodded, climbing back to heave the camera at the window. 

 

It was agonisingly slow going. With each painful thud, Jared felt his heart pound faster. With little room to move, and no way that he could take a full swing in case he dislodged them too far, Kane was fighting a losing battle.

 

“We can’t get out, can we?” Jared asked, knowing the reply.

 

Chris smiled, one of his usual grim and nasty smiles. “It’s not looking good.”

 

Jared held his breath. They were stuck, wedged tight against the lorry and on the apex of a blind bend. If anything were to be coming south…..

 

“Usted se morirá! Usted se morirá!” 

 

Jared looked at Kane; it was the Bolivian lorry driver who had forced them almost off the road.

 

“What’s he shouting?” Jared asked confused, as the swarthy man danced behind their truck arms waving frantically.

 

Kane shook his head. “You don’t want to know.”

 

Great just what Jared needed, more secrets!

 

“Ay?deme rompo la ventana,” Chris mouthed back at the driver, and pointed to the rear window. 

 

Right, Jared got that one, as Chris chucked the camera back at him. “You think this will work?” Jared asked, slinging the strap around his neck.

 

Chris shrugged, “Either it will or it won’t. I guess we’ll find out if he hurries. I don’t rate our chances of something not coming down that fuckin’ hill.” 

 

Jared glanced back up the twisting road, almost obscured now by the pounding rain beating on the window. In some strange way he didn’t feel he was in danger. It was almost as if all of Jensen’s fears the night before had been diluted in the clear light of day. Idly, Jared remembered once again of how this road was built. The sad and lonely accounts of how the Paraguayan prisoners had slaved to carve out this monument of death. Were they now reaching out to Jared and Chris? Tilting his head, Jared strained to hear their muffled voices calling to each other. 

 

“JARED!” It was Kane bellowing his name. “Don’t fuck with me Jared this is no time to go all strange on me. Come on we’re getting out of here.” He shook Jared’s arm.

 

Jared blinked. The rear window was gone. Smashed into large chunks it glittered across the backseats. When had that happened? Jared hadn’t heard it break.

 

“Fuckin move Padalecki or I’m gonna leave your ass in here!” 

 

By the time Jared roused himself, Kane was already up and out the window, slapping the relieved lorry driver on the shoulder as he surveyed the wreckage of his truck. Jared steeled himself, and made hard work climbing over the seats with legs that felt like jelly. He made it out with only a slight graze on his check and bruise on his left hand. It could have been a whole lot worse. Wiping rain off his face, he slowly tracked Chris over to the far side of the lorry where he was trying to find a way to break the two vehicles loose. The guy was unreal. Didn’t he ever get daunted by the prospect of near death?

 

It didn’t appear so.

 

Kane was too busy examining how the truck was wedged against the lorry. Cowboy hat long discarded, Chris’ long hair was soaking wet and his light blue jeans were caked in mud. The man was a tornado of activity, speaking fluent Spanish to the lorry driver as his muscled arms wielded a crowbar he’d rescued from the truck. 

 

Camera! Jared needed his camera. Feeling for the strap and wondering briefly if it had been damaged by its abuse, he quickly checked for breaks and cracks. There was an ugly dent to the outer casing that ran along the bottom, and a wicked groove that was cut into one side. But other than that, it looked undamaged. 

 

Kneeling just behind the back of their truck, Jared raised his camera and focused. Setting the lens to capture a long shot of Kane just as his fingers ran through his dark hair, and beads of rain glistened on his biceps. Like Jensen, Christian Kane was a photographers dream. In profile he looked dramatic, all chiselled elegance with sullen sweeping features. In another lifetime, or if there wasn’t Jensen, Jared would probably have taken a shot at getting the bodyguard in his bed. Mike would certainly have approved. After all bodyguards knew all the intimate details of the people that they protected. What better way to hit the headlines than to get pillow talk from the penultimate of sources.

 

It was a route of information Jared had best keep quiet when he got back to LA. It wouldn’t be a good move on any of their parts if he fed Rosenbaum ideas.

 

“A èl la gusta, usted es muy,” the lorry driver laughed, pointing at Jared.

 

Kane whipped around just as Jared took another shot. Brilliant, Jared smiled he’d caught that one perfect! 

 

“What the fuck? Padalecki are you insane? What are you doing taking my fuckin’ photograph? Get your ass away from the rear of the truck before something comes down that freakin’ hill, and sends you headfirst into the ravine!” 

 

He glared first at Jared, and then over at the lorry driver. “And you,” he pointed a finger at the grinning Bolivian, “I’m not fuckin’ pretty so knock that shit off!”

 

“He thinks you’re pretty?” Jared asked, sliding in the growing slick mud pooling at his feet.

 

Kane pulled a face. “No. He thinks you believe I’m pretty.”

 

Jared shrugged this would get him into trouble, but what the hell. “I do.”

 

“What?”

 

“I do,” he repeated slowly.

 

Kane looked shocked. “I….no. No, way. Padalecki, you did not just say that!”

 

Well, well, well, Christian Kane at a loss for words. So, the fear of imminent death couldn’t get to him, but Jared thinking he was pretty….oh, this was priceless.

 

“You’re a bit short, but you’ve got a strong face. You could probably make some money as a photographic model.”

 

The lorry driver, who obviously understood English far better than Jared understood Spanish, creased up with laughter. “Amigo, usted cree que me han sacado!”

 

Kane shot the driver a filthy look. 

 

“Okay,” Jared grinned. “Tell me what he just said?”

 

“He thinks I’ve pulled,” Kane replied bitterly, giving Jared a sour look. “Boy, you better not have any funny ideas. I know Rosenbaum, and I know what you’ve done for him. I’m not gonna add my name to that damn headboard of yours!”

 

The bitter memories of Mike it seemed had followed them onto the Road of Death. Jared would never be able to escape from it. “I’m here because of Jensen, not because of you!” He retorted hotly.

 

The rain kept on slicing down, and it cut directly into Jared’s heart.

 

Kane drew up into his face. The bodyguard might be smaller, but holy shit, that didn’t matter.

 

“I don’t know what you’re doing to fuck up Jensen’s head, but I don’t like it. You are scum Jared, and that’s all you’ll ever be while you let that bald snake liar jerk you around. I know how your sort think, and I know what drives you from one bed to another. It’s like heroin in your system if you go too long without a fix.”

 

Jared breathed deeply, inhaling warm and scented rain dripping from the trees above their heads. “How do you know all this? What makes you so sure that I’m bad news? Give me some idea Chris, or I won’t believe you.”

 

Kane hesitated. It was another glimpse behind that impressive armour that he’d held in place for so long. Jensen had warned him that Jared had a sharp eye and an even sharper nose. 

 

But Jared had taken more than enough. He was wired and wishing he were somewhere warm and dry. And instead of moving to stand somewhere safe, Jared had manoeuvred Chris to stand beside him, and every second that they stood there was a tick nearer to the end of both their lives. It felt very much like the rush of gambling. The sweet injection of adrenalin buzzing through the veins as it hits the system. That fine line of pain and pleasure in the face of possible victory or defeat. The rain was almost no more than a tear stinging Jared’s cheek, and Kane’s reluctance little more than a last cry of defiance.

 

“Tell me,” Jared urged.

 

Chris choosing his words with care, still split himself wide open. “I knew a man like you. He was always burning for a story. He was good too, one of the best. And like you he couldn’t leave well alone. He always had to do something more. Push himself to that next pay cheque. Well, I’ll give you some free advice Padalecki, you’re kind of life always brings in casualties, and you can dodge a million bullets, but eventually, if you’re names on one, the damn thing will get you good and proper.”

 

“Like it got Mike?” Jared hedged. Was this the person who Chris was alluding to?

 

Kane shook his head, and laughed. It was a warm laugh like sinking into honey. “No. He was nothing at all like Mike. Rosenbaum’s a one off, a throw back to the dark ages. That dudes always had this chip itching on his shoulder. He’s too competitive and he’ll bring you down, one way or the other.”

 

Jared frowned. “If not Mike then… who?”

 

Chris patted Jared on the back. “It don’t matter who, Jared. It’s the end result you gotta watch for. You’re not invincible, and you need to stop taking chances, or this damn life will kill you. Do you get me yet?”

 

Kane looked so serious, Jared nodded. “I think so. You’re telling me Mike’s bad news and he’s going to get me killed.”

 

Chris pulled Jared to him and kissed him lightly on the head for the second time that day. Unlike the first time, which was mocking, this one left the imprint of tears and grief. “No Jared, not just Mike. Jensen. Jensen will break you into pieces, and when that happens you won’t know which way to turn.”

 

Jared’s heart beat so hard it felt like he couldn’t breathe. Where had this Kane come from? Who did he know that had died a terrible death? Was Jensen to blame for that one as well? Questions, questions, questions, and Jared hadn’t got one single answer in sight.

 

In the pouring rain, stranded on the worst road in the world - El Camino de la Muerte claimed another victim.


	10. Chapter 10

'How can it be you're asking me to feel the things you never show'

Backstreet Boys - Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely 

 

Jared and Chris watched in silence as their hired truck tumbled down the steep ravine. For Jared in particular it was a curious moment. It as if he was seeing his life somersaulting over the edge in glorious slow motion, and he knew there was absolutely nothing at the bottom to cushion his landing. 

 

It was only when Chris lightly touched his arm, that Jared realised Kane had spent most of the time watching him and not the truck.

 

“You have to meet lots of different people every week, and it’s likely you even sleep with a good number of them,” Chris sighed. “Why did you have to go and fall in love with Jensen?”

 

Jared froze, as every muscle in his body tightened into a painful twisted knot. “I…what? No. I haven’t!”

 

Kane raised an eyebrow. “You sure about that?”

 

Was he? Yes. No. Hell, how was Jared supposed to know? It wasn’t like he was an expert on the subject, far from it.

 

Love – huh! Casting his mind back to past marriage proposals, Jared had to admit Chad Michael Murray had possibly been right. If anyone had ever been led around by their dick it was Jared. Ouch, and what an inglorious moment to realise that this was how Mike had wheedled his way into Jared’s life. Love, lust and sex - Jared had always got the three confused. Sucker, his conscience taunted you didn’t stop there. He sure hadn’t, there was Misha Collins a perfect example of a nice guy, albeit with an ego the size of Texas, who Jared had bedded to get information. Yeah, and in between and after there had been numerous others. Sex had figured at the forefront of all his liaisons whether it had been for his career, a job, profit, or a story. All except……Jensen. Oh……shit!

 

“You could have sent the photo you took of Jensen at the Raffles to Mike, but you didn’t,” Kane said softly.

 

Crap, Kane knew about the photo. Jared felt uncomfortably chilly. The rain had stopped and split open into a blue and sunny sky, but his clothes were wet and Kane’s words were like ice dripping down his back. Jared chewed his lip anxiously, paddling his feet in the troughs of mud cut out by the now deceased truck.

 

“Yeah, I saw the photo,” Chris continued. “It shook the fuck out of Jensen, and that hasn’t happened in a long while.”

 

Jared’s head snapped up. “Really?” Oh hell, now he sounded needy.

 

Chris moved a little closer. “There are people in the world that deserve your love Jared. Don’t go thinking that either Mike or Jensen qualify at filling that space you’ve got in your heart.”

 

Jared couldn’t tear his eyes from Chris’ face. Those startling cool, pale eyes were staring back at him with something bordering on compassion. It hurt more than if Chris had simply thumped him.

 

“If you have something to say, then say it. Don’t play games with me,” Jared said flatly.

 

Who was this fucking Kane? Where was the, oh so detached bodyguard now?

 

Kane shrugged looking back down the ravine. “Not my story to tell Padalecki.”

 

Damn it, Chris was attempting to retreat beneath his usual veneer of sneering indifference. Was anyone in this forsaken place ever going to give him a straight answer? Frustrating didn’t even cover how Jared felt right now. He needed answers not more freakin’ puzzles! 

 

Desperate Jared pulled at Chris’ shoulder to grab his attention. “Oh, no you don’t. You don’t get to drop warnings and hints and shit, then fuck off like it doesn’t matter!”

 

“It doesn’t,” Chris snarled back at him. “You don’t matter. I don’t matter. All that concerns Mike and Jensen is how much fuckin’ money they can make. It doesn’t bother them who end’s up caught in their crossfire. If you think for one second that either of those two would play fair with you, then you’re fucked up big time.”

 

The gloves were off, and if Jared had his wits about him he might have considered what he was doing, but Kane had danced too close to the truth. His words were tiny pinpricks, stabbing into Jared like hot needles. All those veiled threats Kane had thrown his way escalating into one blinding moment of rage.

 

Jared threw a punch, and stared in honest shock as Chris staggered backward.

 

Rubbing his tender jaw, Chris spat blood seeping from his lip and scowled, “I’ll give you that one Padalecki, but the next one, that’s not free.”

 

Jared didn’t care. He went after Chris in a flurry of flailing arms, as he slipped in the mud, face in hard, angry lines. More by luck than judgement, he landed another punch catching Chris on the chin. 

 

“You think I need anything free from you, you’re fucked up and….” Jared went down, landing with gasp of pain as Chris tackled him. “Get the….” Jared struggled as strong arms wrapped around his wrists. “Fuckin,’ get off me Chris!”

 

Kane wasn’t listening. Earlier adrenalin needed a release and he swore as Jared tried to wriggle away from him. Long wet hair dripping in his face, Chris smashed his fist into Jared’s stomach quickly cutting off any further struggles. “Think you can take me, huh? You might be big Padalecki, but you fight like a fuckin’ girl.” For emphasis Chris struck another blow just below Jared’s fifth rib.

 

Jared didn’t stand a chance. Kane’s reputation was well earned. The air in his lungs evaporated in an instant, and Jared ended up lying dazed gazing unfocused at dancing green leaves rising from the rainforest; painting themselves across clear skies. 

 

“Chris,” he gasped, as he watched in detached fascination as Kane drew his fist back to deliver a third punch.

 

But as quickly as Kane’s anger had risen it stopped short, and his arms dropped helplessly to his sides, breaths coming as harsh and fast as Jared’s. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Chris mumbled over and over.

 

Jared blinked, it hurt to breath and he was feeling light headed. “Get off me,” he croaked. Coughing he tipped sideways, but Kane was a dead weight on his chest.

 

Trapped, all Jared could do was relax beneath the smaller man, as Chris stared blankly at him, a wealth of pain flooding into those sharp blue eyes. 

 

“Please,” Jared repeated, but what he was asking for, suddenly, wasn’t what he originally meant. With Chris’ nod of acknowledgement, as he slowly began to get up, Jared hastily stopped him. 

 

“Jared?” Kane stared confused, his expression almost matching Jared’s own. With Padalecki’s hand tight around his arm, holding him back, Kane couldn’t figure out what the big guy was up to. At least, not until Jared made his move, and by then it just fell into naturally into place. It was the most illogical move in the world and at the same time it was the only move. To Jared it just felt right. There was a haunting emptiness in Christian Kane that echoed to something in Jared’s soul. 

 

With his last rational thought, Jared wondered if Chris was a more damaged version of what he could become. It was a frightening prospect, and it pushed all sanity aside. Recklessly, Jared acted on his instincts. Relying on his interpretation of emotion and how much of what he’d seen in Kane’s eyes he wanted to erase. Jared held onto Chris’ arms, hauled himself upright and took a handful of Kane’s hair in his right hand; roughly pulling the bodyguards head down to plant a gentle kiss on Kane’s surprised and open mouth. 

 

Jared would never mistake Christian Kane for Jensen. His mouth was hot and tingling as Jared’s tongue licked across his lips, but Chris Kane tasted like ashes. His heart was broken and all the pain, regret and anger that Chris felt was all woven together, and it speared Jared like a knife.

 

“Who was it?” Jared asked softly as he broke the kiss, and Kane rested his forehead against Jared’s, panting slightly.

 

“Does it matter?” Kane’s words little more than a whisper.

 

How ironic was it that Jared should be on the road of death, amid the rolling beauty of a paradise that was tainted by so much sadness and with Jensen’s notoriously unpredictable bodyguard straddling his lap. 

You sure know how to pick them Jared, he mentally congratulated himself. While it shouldn’t matter what had broken Chris, to Jared, who was rediscovering the twisted reality and frailty of life, yes it certainly did make a difference.

 

“Tell me, please,” Jared urged his fingers still twisting through slick brown locks of hair.

 

“Steve,” Chris held onto Jared tightly.

 

Steve? Oh. Could it be? No. What? Jared’s eyes bugged. Did Kane mean…..? No… he couldn’t do, but……Surely, there had to be more men called Steve who had…….

 

“Steve,” Jared repeated slowly. “Do you mean Steve Carlson - the singer?”

 

Chris raised his head, leaning slightly into Jared’s hand, cat like and seeking comfort. “Yeah, at least that’s how Steve started out, and it’s probably what he’s actually best known for. My Steve. The man that I knew, he had a real love for photography, and it went from a hobby into something he couldn’t leave alone. I would watch how he would loose himself in setting up a camera. It was as if he was lost into another world; a bit like he was when he first appeared on the music scene. It was more than that though. Steve had talent and an amazing eye. It was about ten years ago he was recognised as gifted, and he began booking some really high profile clients. It all happened so quickly, but Steve took some pretty spectacular stuff. You would have liked him,” he added wistfully to Jared. “Everything was art to Steve, even this accursed place.”

 

“Is he…..” Jared asked tentatively.

 

Kane blinked away what looked suspiciously like tears. “Better if he was Jared. No, Steve didn’t die but what he is….. you can’t call living. He just sits all day, staring. Staring and staring into a place that doesn’t exist. Steve’s trapped inside his head, and I’m left here in this living hell.”

 

It seemed too little to say he was sorry, and too much to say that with time it would get better. Jared knew it wouldn’t. From what he remembered, Steve Carlson’s accident was eight years ago. If the guy hadn’t gotten any better in all that time then….. Shit, Chris had been nursing his open wounds for 8 long years. No wonder the guy was so fucked up. 

 

“Were you and Steve...um…together?” Jared asked, no longer fighting the urge to keep stroking Chris’ hair.

 

Chris nodded, “I wasn’t with him when he crashed. I should have been but I’d woken up late, and Steve…..Steve had gone. He couldn’t wait. He needed to be up on the road to catch the sunrise. I let him down. I should have been there. I could have….”

 

“No!” Jared cut in shaking Chris’s shoulder. “You can’t say that. Maybe there would be two of you in a hospital bed not just one. Maybe, you wouldn’t have made it out alive. Who knows, at least you can live your life. Start afresh Chris. Stop hanging onto the past. You’ve paid for Steve’s mistake far too long as it is.”

 

Those were the words that echoed along the ravine. Words that travelled back down El Camino de la Muerte through the city and into their hotel, winding their way in soft whispers until they reached a young movie star, who was staring from a window, lost in thought. 

 

It hadn’t been Steve’s fault, Jared realised his error as soon as he had spoken. 

 

Kane’s eyes looked dead as they held Jared’s horror stricken ones. “Tell me it wasn’t Jensen?” Jared begged. “Tell me he wasn’t the one who forced Steve off the road?”

 

Chris shook his head. “That’s not my story to tell Jared. You want answers speak to Jensen.”

 

“It can’t be all bad can it?” Jared asked weakly. “I mean, you work for him. You keep Jensen safe from the likes of me. Oh…..fuck!”

 

Nausea washed over Jared and he was grateful to Chris who held him steady. “Tell me one thing, please. If you can,” he added lamely. “I need…..I need to know if my being here is some elaborate act? I have to know if I….if anything I’ve done means something to Jensen.”

 

Chris climbed slowly to his feet and stretched, popping out cramped and tired muscles. He held his hand down to Jared and helped him stand. They were filthy, plastered in thick mud and dust and grime. “He likes you. You’re paparazzi so you’re a huge risk. My guess is you mean more than he’s letting on. I can’t tell you what to do Jared, you’re a grown man and I’m not the best person to be give anyone advice. Just don’t go expecting miracles. Jensen has an image to protect.”

 

“Queda poco tiempo tenemos que ir. Se puede jugar novios cuando lleguemos a la parte inferior.” It was the Spanish lorry driver sounding amused and impatient.

 

“Do I need to know what he said?” Jared asked.

 

Kane laughed, “He thinks we’re boyfriends, and we need to go. He’s right we should leave, we’re going to have to walk back to the hotel when we reach the city.”

 

Jared, without a watch, looked up towards the sky. It had been early morning when they had set off and it must have been coming up to lunch time when they’d first tangled with the lorry. With a weary shrug he began trudging back towards the drivers cab. It would be a bone shaking ride down to the city limits in that old thing. 

 

If Jared was holding out on gaining any further information from Chris, he was very disappointed. Once in the truck and wedged against the passenger side door, Chris closed his eyes and drifted into a light sleep. Jared frowned, but before he even formed the idea of waking him up, the lorry driver threw him a dirty smirk. 

 

“Está cansado de tu amigo a cabo.”

 

“I have no idea what you just said, but he’s not my boyfriend.”

 

The lorry driver chuckled and continued to mutter in Spanish beneath his breath.

 

It was a very long ride back down to the bottom.

 

****

 

The lorry had dropped them off at the city limits, and it was dark by the time Jared and Chris made it to their hotel. With Kane’s wallet having gone to meets its doom in the company of the luckless truck, they opted to walk rather than try to find a bar who would let them use a phone.

 

“Get me in a bar and I’m coming out drunk.” Kane had stated emphatically. “Fuck, I’m tired,” Chris yawned, glancing at Jared as they staggered towards the lobby.

 

Jared, who’d spent their journey alternately staring at Chris’ profile and that of the sniggering lorry driver, wasn’t in the best of moods. He was beyond tired and his clothes stuck to him with sweat and their early soaking. Everything about this trip screamed it was a set up, and he was left with the bad feeling that he was being played. It also irked him that he’d kissed Chris and not just a friendly ‘I’m glad to be alive, type of kiss.’ It had been anything but friendly, and it had stirred Jared to feel something too close to genuine affection. 

 

“You’re back, thank goodness.” Jensen’s voice dragged Jared from his stupor.

 

The actor was bounding down the hotel steps, immaculate as usual. Kane studiously ignored him, which left Jared picking up the slack. “Um…yeah, we had a bit of trouble, but we’re okay.”

 

Jensen looked at Chris, “What happened?” His tone wasn’t quite accusing, but it held an unpleasant edge.

 

Chris stared at him blankly. “We got taken out by a lorry, almost went off the road with our truck, and had to hitch a lift back. I think that just about covers it.”

 

Jared shivered. Chris’ voice was chilling.

 

“He’s right. I mean it wasn’t our fault…..”

 

But Jensen wasn’t listening to Jared he was intently staring at Chris. “I shouldn’t have sent you up there. I’m sorry I didn’t know…..Chris.”

 

Chris it appeared had his limits as he stalked past his employer. “Drop it Jensen. We’ll pick this up tomorrow.” He shrugged his arm free of Jensen’s hand and shot hurriedly inside.

 

Jensen swore softly and looked at Jared’s tired face. “I’m sorry,” he repeated.

 

“Are you?” Jared asked. 

 

This was hardly an ideal point for a confrontation, on the steps of a 5 star hotel, but unless they went to one for their rooms there would be no where private to have this out.

 

“Jared?” If Jensen was shocked he hid it well, but then it seemed Jensen hid most things well.

 

“You sent me up on that road with ‘him’ a guy that’s beat up people for a living. Don’t get me wrong, Chris didn’t do anything to me, in fact he saved my fucking life! It’s just I can’t help wondering how many other ‘friends’ you’ve invited here. I know I’m not the first.”

 

Jensen looked angry, his eyes narrow and lips drawn thin. “Did Chris tell you this?”

 

Jared shook his head and sat down on the top step. “No, and he didn’t need to. I worked it out all by myself. Did you really think I was dumb enough not to notice?”

 

Jensen sighed and sat down next to him, twisting a silver ring he wore on his right hand over and over. Jared automatically stopped him, his hand covering Jensen’s. 

 

It was a mistake he never should have made. Touching Jensen in anyway was a sure way to short circuit Jared’s brain. Jensen’s fingers reaching out to lace with Jared’s, worming their way like clever vines around Jared’s heart. 

 

El Camino de la Muerte and Jensen Ackles were well matched.

 

“I’ve been here before with two other guys,” Jensen admitted, keeping his eyes focused on Jared’s hand.

 

“Besides me?”

 

Jensen nodded and winced at Jared’s sharp intake of breath. “I can’t apologise Jared. I have nothing to say sorry for. I’ve brought a couple of guys I fancied fucking down her for some fun. It might seem dirty and underhand to you, but we both know I keep my affairs under wraps.”

 

Jared’s hold on Jensen’s hand loosened, he couldn’t keep his head straight. “It’s not that I object to you fucking other guys. I’m hardly a paragon of virtue. It’s the suggestion that this was all new to you. Why get me here on some fanciful pretext? Did you think I wouldn’t come?”

 

For the first time since Chris had left them alone, Jensen looked into Jared’s face, and Jared could almost think he was sincere. “First, it wasn’t a pretext. I do think you’re an amazing photographer and the job is real. Second, no I didn’t think you’d come.”

 

Jared stared into those changeable cat green eyes and swallowed hard. How had he managed to keep Jensen at arms length? Why did he keep resisting this gorgeous man who oozed success? 

 

It was then Jared felt the weight of Kane’s words pouring over him. ‘You’re in love with Jensen.’ 

 

The shock of truth was a tight curl of fear in Jared’s stomach. This was something he’d been denying to himself for months. 

 

But was it possible to fall in love with someone you had only scratched the surface of knowing? Had Jensen managed to steal Jared’s heart with a single look cast back over his shoulder from the rooftop of the Raffles L’Ermitage?

 

As Jared remained tight lipped it took Jensen to throw his cards on the table.

“You’ve turned me down since we’ve been here. I guess I suspected what you wanted. I certainly didn’t know if it… if you were real, although…..” Jensen paused. 

 

“What?” Jared urged, like a condemned man he had to know the rest and learn what was hiding in that complicated head of Jensen’s.

 

“I catch you looking at me like I break your heart. It’s how you sometimes look at your pictures, but I can’t think why.”

 

Jared gasped. Jensen was way ahead of knowing who Jared was and what made him tick. Miles and miles further into Jared’s soul than Jared could possibly have guessed. 

 

Kane had warned him about loving Jensen, and now it seemed Jensen knew all of Jared’s secrets.

 

Jared looked at Jensen with desperate eyes; brimmed full of love, lust, anger, and even hate. Jared knew he hadn’t got a hope in hell. With a small whimper he reached out and pulled Jensen to him. His mouth locking over Jensen’s in a sweet, sweet ache of fire. There was no hesitation as Jared took what the actor so freely offered. He took everything. He swallowed up each tiny gasp, as he licked over Jensen’s lips; he fisted his fingers into the soft fabric of Jensen’s shirt, desperate to feel the fluid muscle warm beneath his hand. The more he took the more Jensen gave him, happily feeding Jared the illusion that he was in the driving seat. 

 

It couldn’t have been further from the truth.

 

While Jensen was surrendering to the powerful onslaught of Jared’s need, it was a calculated relinquish of control. Jensen was a star with an impressive acting pedigree. Men like him hadn’t got to their exalted position without knowing how this worked. Romance, sure Jensen could wing it, but love? Love didn’t figure anywhere on Jensen’s vocabulary list. How could it? You didn’t get to earn $30 million dollars a movie for being known to fuck other guys. This thing he had with Jared was about sex, pure and simple, and if he had to fake a little emotion to get Jared to play nice, well he was an actor wasn’t he? 

 

Jared drinking Jensen down like fine wine reacted like he’d been stung. Chris Kane may have tasted of ashes, but Jensen tasted like – lies. 

 

Jared had been around Mike long enough to know when he was being conned. True it was a most erotic con, having Jensen’s hands skimming over the erection straining Jared’s trousers, but it was still a con.

 

One thing Jared had learned and learned well. You can’t con a con.

 

“I want you so badly, but I can’t do this,” Jared stammered tearing his mouth away, panting harshly. 

 

“Jared.” Jensen’s protest flashed across his face, half as anger and half as frustration. With stubble burn warming his chin, Jensen looked debauched, and Jared felt a sharp pang of want. Rising to his feet, he couldn’t help it, Jared had to run. There was no air and he just couldn’t breath, he couldn’t. He couldn’t.

 

Jared made it as far as the door before he slumped against the handle.

 

“Jared!”

 

Jensen was immediately by his side, anxiously hovering, placing a hand beneath his elbow to help him stand. “Jared? Are you alright? Jared?”

 

As Jensen kept repeating his name, Jared’s vision began to swim and his pulse fluttered madly. He couldn’t move, he didn’t know what to do…..and his world turned gradually black.

 

 

****

 

Jared woke a couple of hours later in his darkened room, lying in a loose pair of sweat pants without his shirt. Someone must have helped Jensen get him up here and undress him he thought ruefully. He licked his lips. He was thirsty, but his head felt like lead and he didn’t want to move.

 

“Drink this,” said a voice, and a glass appeared above Jared’s face.

 

“Thanks,” Jared replied, lifting an unsteady hand to take the offered glass of water.

 

“Sip, don’t take too much at once or you’ll be sick.”

 

Jared obeyed and after ten minutes, or maybe longer, he gradually started to feel a little better. 

 

“Welcome back,” the voice rumbled softly.

 

Jared frowned as he took another drink before looking up at his Florence Nightingale. The only light was streaming through the open window, leaving the room in black and grey shadows, but as he focused his eyes Jared could see there was a figure seated in the armchair near his desk.

 

“Chris?” Jared said surprised. He had been expecting Jensen, and in a way it was a relief to find it wasn’t. There was no way he could deal with the convoluted equation that was Jensen Ackles right at this moment.

 

Chris it appeared had read Jared’s mind. “Disappointed?”

 

Jared shook his head and then promptly wished he hadn’t. He had a brass band playing inside his skull, and it sounded like they were going for an encore. “Not really.”

 

Chris laughed, a smoky sound, and Jared knew instantly the bodyguard had been drinking.

 

“How come I end up an invalid while you can get roaring drunk?” Jared asked bitterly, as the brass section whipped into overdrive.

 

“Hardly roaring drunk on your miserable stash of scotch!” Kane countered, taking a mouthful direct from the bottle he was holding. “Besides, as you pointed out I’ve been here before. I know how to keep myself hydrated, while you crash and burn.” He regarded Jared with shiny eyes. “You frightened the fuck out of Jensen.”

 

Jared put his glass on the bedside table and slumped back onto his pillows. “Good.”

 

They fell silent, and for a moment Jared wondered if he’d dozed off again, but then Chris was sitting on the bed next to him, and Jared’s heart leapt into his mouth. “Does Jensen know you’re keeping me company?”

 

Shoving Jared’s legs to one side, Chris made himself more comfy. “Does Jensen know – yes. Did Jensen ask me to – also yes, and the why is because he’s actually worried you may just hate him right now. Except that isn’t what you were really getting at, is it Jared?”

 

Jared found that his voice had failed him. He shook his head. Fuck – that hurt.

 

Chris took another long drink, and regarded the bottle thoughtfully before placing it next to Jared’s glass. Instantly, he seemed quite sober as he leaned over to brush a stray hair from Jared’s eyes. Jared lay there and shivered. Chris’s touch was almost sensual and most definitely intimate. 

 

What the fuck did he do now? Was Christian Kane trying to seduce him?

 

“You’re wondering if Jensen asked me to come in here and take advantage of you,” Chris said calmly, and he felt Jared’s head nod in confirmation. “Well,” he paused for dramatic effect, “he did.”

 

Jared’s entire body went taught so quickly it hurt. He must be living in a nightmare, because there wasn’t anyway anyone could dream this shit up. This was straight out of Mike Rosenbaum’s book of ghastly seductions. He flinched as Kane’s fingers travelled slowly down his jaw, a softer than expected hand coming across to cup his cheek.

 

“Don’t worry,” Chris clarified. “Jensen didn’t spell it out in words. He kind of just assumed it. I went a bit bat shit crazy when I saw he was dragging your sorry ass inside. As much as Jensen wants to keep you for himself, there isn’t anything he wouldn’t sacrifice for me.”

 

“What?” Jared croaked, unconsciously leaning into Chris’ hand, repeating the action of Kane from earlier that day.

 

“He’d give you to me, if that’s what I wanted. He would hate me for life, but he’d do it.”

 

Was the whole world going mad? Where did any of this make any sense? Why in the world would Jensen give him over to Chris…..and then the afternoons conversations came rushing back with a vengeance.

 

“You told me Jensen’s story wasn’t yours to tell, but you’d better start talking damn well fast Chris! I’m tired of playing these stupid games. I thought when I came down here….”

 

Kane cut him off, “That you would fall in love? How did that work out for you Jared? Did the man of all your dreams welcome you with open arms? Will he still want you once you’re back in LA or New York?”

 

Finding energy from reserves didn’t know he had, Jared hauled himself upright and knocked Kane’s hand away. “I didn’t come down here for anything except to take photographs!”

 

“Now, who’s lying Jared?” Chris words tingled hotly across Jared’s ear. “You came to Bolivia because you want Jensen, and I also know this obsession you have for him is driving a wedge between you and Mike.”

 

How did Kane know so much? Had he told Jensen?

 

Whatever mood Chris was in it wasn’t nice and it wasn’t playful. This wasn’t the man who had confessed his secrets to Jared a few short hours ago. This was some twisted version of the bodyguard that Jared hated. 

 

Kane sighed and took another drink, offering it to Jared before replacing it on the night stand. “You want to know? Ok. I was with Steve since we were kids. We grew up together. He was my friend long before he was my lover.”

 

So, that cleared up that relationship dynamic then. No wonder Chris was unpredictable.

 

Chris tilted his head curiously. “He had more honesty than you. Steve wouldn’t sell out to a sleaze like Mike, but his passion was the same. He was always searching for perfection, in his music and in his art. The day before….the day prior to the accident,” Chris stumbled over his words, “he was like a kid with a new toy. Thinking he would get some amazing photos of the rainforest.”

 

Chris’ voice drifted off and it was obvious to Jared he was reliving that night. “What happened, Chris?”

 

“Rosenbaum. Mike fuckin’ Rosenbaum happened. He was driving the vehicle that forced Steve off the road. Mike and his one time good fuck buddy, Jensen Ackles.”

 

Jensen. Jared had predicated it. Now all the pieces fell a little more in place, except for one thing. “Why are you working for Jensen?”

 

It was a strange thing, for Kane who had lost everything that mattered to him, to do for one of the culprits in this story.

 

“Jensen was and is racked with guilt about the accident. It’s why he hates Mike. It’s why he almost turned his back on his career. He pays for Steve to stop at a top facility in the country, and he keeps me around as his conscience.”

 

“He uses you to punish himself.”

 

Chris nodded, “Jensen is as fucked up as I am. He’s witnessed first hand what loving someone too much can do. He’s seen what greed and ambition bring. The worst of all he’s confused about what he wants from you. He can’t talk to you about this. He can’t show any cracks in his armour. Jensen can’t go back and change what happened, and he can’t help but hate that Mike assisted him in keeping the accident out of the media. So, the whole world thinks Steve Carlson was just another guy that was brilliant but couldn’t cut the pace. Jensen makes his pictures, and Mike Rosenbaum continues to ruin lives.”

 

Jared may have escaped the road of death, but its sinister twists and turns weren’t through with him yet. What the fuck had he stumbled onto? 

 

“Jensen told you to tell me this, didn’t he?” Jared asked, hugging his knees up to his chest.

 

“Yeah. Like I said, it wasn’t my story to tell.” 

 

It was an odd situation. Jared had spent more time and had more honest moments with Chris than he’d ever had with Jensen. Kane deserved a chance at love and in a way Jared wished he could have given him that, not that Chris would ever have taken it. Chris was damaged beyond what Jared could repair, and besides his heart belonged to someone else. No matter that Jensen didn’t deserve it. Jared cast his mind to the enigmatic actor who oozed charisma and carried a host of guilty secrets. Jensen wanted to make Jared another secret to add to that list.

 

“I can’t….” Jared whispered, “I can’t do it. Can I?”

 

Kane shook his head sadly. “Not if you want to have peace of mind, and not hide in some dark corner. We live in shades of grey Jared, not in black and white. Jensen doesn’t get that yet, and maybe he never will.”


	11. Chapter 11

'Just because I'm losing

Doesn't mean I'm lost'

Coldplay 

 

 

Jared left Bolivia the next morning, Christian Kane taking him to the airport to catch his plane before anyone was stirring.

 

An uncomfortable journey made in silence, Jared didn’t speak until he was climbing out of Kane’s new hire truck. “Is this what you knew would happen?” he asked.

 

Chris without his customary cowboy hat to hide beneath, as it been lost in yesterday’s adventure, looked self conscious. “Will it help if I say no?” he said burying his hands in his jeans pocket.

 

Jared huffed and began gathering his bags from the back of the vehicle. “Not really.” He paused; it shouldn’t be this hard, but… “Fuck!”

 

If the situation had been complicated before Jared had come to Bolivia, it was entering a whole new stratosphere with him leaving. Flying out of the city and abandoning the assignment, without a word to Jensen, was a decision he’d agonised over as dawn began to inch pink and gold across the sky. From his hotel room window, Jared had gazed wearily at the towering grandeur of the mountainous Illimani nursing a nagging headache that had settled right behind his eyes. What was next? Where he go from here? He had an uncertain future. One the one had there was his job as Rosenbaum’s best puppet and on the other the intricately woven complexities of a relationship with Jensen, that seemed doomed before it had started. 

 

And right in the middle of this mix was a further complication. Behind him, on his bed, lay the slumbering form of Jensen’s bodyguard. A man who had been broken by events he’d had no control over; bound to a celebrity he probably hated, by a debt he could never hope to repay. For as long as Steve Carlson lived in the centre paid for by Jensen Ackles, Christian Kane would have no peace. 

 

“Jared…..” Chris said breaking his train of thought.

 

Jared swallowed hard, biting back emotions he didn’t want to share. He wished he hadn’t agreed to Chris giving him a lift, but he’d woken before Jared had been able to sneak out. A timid mouse stalked by the proverbial hungry cat, Jared didn’t want Chris’ pity. He didn’t need his sympathy. All he wanted was to get some space between him and Jensen. The rest of what he was feeling he could analyse later in the privacy of his own home. Reluctantly, as he knew Chris was expecting a reply, Jared raised his head and looked up into eyes that held no judgement, only understanding. 

 

It was a surprise and somewhat of a relief to know that Chris wasn’t going to bug him. 

 

Jared smiled half heartedly. “I guess I should have picked someone more like you,” he joked. His voice holding a thread of truth that he knew Chris would recognise. Because last night, just for split second, in the midst of all their anger, fear and pain Jared had been tempted. And maybe if he’d been less tired, and Chris had been a little drunker, Jared might just have waved goodbye to Jensen forever. Christian Kane was a hard act to ignore and his allure wasn’t in being swamped in all that southern honeyed charm, but in being hooked by his destructive and addictive magnetism. 

 

“Damn it Padalecki! You do not get to say that!” There was genuine anger hardening the lines of Chris’ face, and a tension in his posture that was emphasised by the slight tightening around his eyes. It easily betrayed exactly what he was thinking. 

 

It appeared that Jared hadn’t been the only one who had sensed the danger they were in last night.

 

There was one good thing to come out of this disturbing trip though - Jared was no longer intimidated by Chris. There had been too much of what made Chris Kane who he was exposed in the last 48 hours. Jared had seen him at his most vulnerable and there was no way back from that. 

 

As Jared shouldered his bags he slapped Chris on the arm. “Try being someone else for a change. You don’t have to spend the rest of your life alone, just because you weren’t with Steve when he went off that cliff. There’s a world of guilt that doesn’t deserve its place on your shoulders.” 

 

It was possibly the most honest thing Jared had ever spoken.

 

Chris leaned against the truck, head lowered. “Yeah, maybe,” he replied quietly. Looking up quickly he flashed a half smile at Jared. “I wasn’t expecting to actually like you,” he admitted ruefully. 

 

“Guess that’s something we got out of this trip at least.” Jared added recognising Kane’s acceptance of the token of friendship he’d just extended.

 

“What will you say to Mike?” Kane’s voice was flat.

 

Jared had wondered that himself. “Everything. Nothing. Fuck, I don’t know.”

 

Could he even look Mike in the eye any more after everything he’d learned?

 

“You didn’t find out anything you didn’t know already.” Kane’s soft southern rumble cut across Jared’s trance.

 

“But Steve….you….the accident and Jensen….”

 

Chris clasped Jared’s shoulders. “You’ve always known Mike for what he is,” Chris said slowly. “The details they don’t matter.”

 

In many ways Chris was right. Jared had known the devil he’d shacked up with for a long time. Maybe the question should be - could he go back to Mike? 

 

Jared stepped back a pace, eyes flicking towards the airport doors. “I’d better go.”

 

Chris nodded. “Take care of yourself Jared.”

 

Jared would because at the end of the day that’s what he did best. It was how he kept his life in order; categorising and labelling people, jobs, and his career to attain what he wanted. As Jared left Kane and headed through the departure lounge to his awaiting flight, he had a sharp stab of guilt. Was Jensen choosing to protect his sexual preference any different, or worse, than the calculated money driven games Jared lived his life by? Settling into his seat in first class, Jared knew it wasn’t. 

 

So why had he run?

 

It was love and that single omission of affection had changed everything. 

 

Kane had seen it coming, but Jared had been blind to it. Jared was in love for the first time in his life and it tasted bitter sweet. 

 

****

 

Jared was holed up in New York, and had been for the last 3 days. Slinking furtively around his apartment like a thief, trying to be as silent and as invisible as possible as he still hadn’t contacted Mike. 

 

How could he do that and avoid explaining the events that had brought him back to the States 2 weeks early? 

 

Jared had no ideas. So he lay low and hid, hoping he would be forgotten like the coward that he was.

 

It worked to the point where Jared had almost fooled himself, until one heart clenching moment when his answer machine had clicked in, and Rosenbaum’s dulcet tones had echoed around the room.

 

“You’re not answering my emails Jared and while La Paz maybe South America it’s not a different planet! I want something on my desk within twenty four hours of your return. You got that? Twenty four hours. If you don’t have any good pictures…make some up! I want photographs and copy. I know what Jensen’s like and he won’t have been a good boy for the whole trip. If you haven’t banged him say that damned bodyguard of his has fucked his ass. I mean it Jared, I want something! Oh, and I know you dial into your voicemail, so I know you’ll get this message. I want dirt. Go digging Jared, your ass is on the line.”

 

Jared was screwed. Sure, he had plenty of ammunition, but even prior to everything he’d learned on the assignment he’d never had any intention of handing it over to Mike.

 

As he poured a glass of water, Jared cursed and deleted Mike’s message. He had to think and think pretty damn quickly. He had to come with something that would keep Rosenbaum off his back, but what? 

 

As he stared around his home imprinting the fine details in his head, Jared realised that what he’d been dodging wasn’t Mike, but a reluctance to examine his own life. His apartment, a spacious loft in a nice part of the city, lacked the stamp of his personality. With its dark wooden floors covered with expensive rugs from all around the world and its clean cream walls and minimalist furniture, it could have been any nameless hollow shell. Everything was new and shiny and all bought with money since Jared had made his name. 

 

All that was meaningful was his artwork, which hung beneath muted up-lighters; the sumptuous black and white photographs of derelict buildings lying in the midst of busy streets. Pictures that Jared had crafted with passion, images that he’d filled with ordinary people about their daily life. These he had taken before he’d thrown himself into Rosenbaum’s hands. 

 

For several minutes Jared stared at those photographs, and his mind drifted back to something Chris had said about Jensen - ‘We live in shades of grey Jared, not in black and white. Jensen doesn’t get that yet.’ 

 

Except it wasn’t just Jensen who was guilty of that crime, Jared was as well. He had been looking at the world from behind his own agenda. Life to Jared was wherever his paparazzi lens took him, while his relationships were about what he could screw somebody to confess. 

 

If this was how he looked at the world, what was Jensen’s benchmark? 

 

Jensen Ackles had almost been born a celebrity. From a young age he’d been thrust in front of a camera, his childhood spent with adults and movie sets. A strikingly handsome man his face had taken America by storm, and his conduct and expected development had been guided by faceless men in suits with fat check books. 

 

Jared’s chest tightened as he was engulfed with the image of a small boy bereft of companions of his own age. If Jared hadn’t had an easy life then what had Jensen’s been like? Jared had been able to live to his extremes, always pushing at the boundaries of taste and decency. While Jensen had been imprisoned by a moral code that had robbed him of who he was.

 

It was apt that it was those old photographs that made Jared recognise being in love with Jensen didn’t end with him walking away. It couldn’t. He was in too deep. There was no one that could replace the actor on Jared’s pedestal, and no amount of senseless sex that could make his face fade from his memory. 

 

It wasn’t over. 

 

It would never be over, and nothing mattered now except finding his way back. 

 

Jared wanted Jensen. 

 

He needed him like he needed air to breathe. 

 

Nothing mattered except him. Not Jared’s career, his money, his home, or Mike. 

 

It would be like scaling Everest, but Jared knew he would have to try. 

 

Maybe there was a way to ask Chris Kane for help? 

 

Thoughts of Christian Kane drew Jared’s attention over to his desk, and the last few photographs he’d taken before leaving Bolivia. They were from El Camino de la Muerte and these were colour, unlike Jared’s other work. He grinned as he picked up the top copy. It was a shot of a soaking wet Kane, dark hair plastered to his head, face fixed in concentration. Jared had captured the steaming rain slanting down in silvered ripples and beading into puddles on a bed of lush green foliage. It was a majestic image and it was all in gorgeous close up, with the thin veins in the leaves as precise as the muscles in Chris’ arms. It was exquisite and Jared’s initial observation had been right - Kane looked incredible. It was his eyes that Jared sank into, that dominated the shot. They were a startling summer blue amidst a striking spectrum of emerald green, and they spoke more about the man then any write up ever could. 

 

Jared ran finger tips carefully across the print. It might have been an impulsive snap on Jared’s part, but there was no mistaking that he had stumbled onto something quite outstanding. Chris Kane’s eyes were full of shadows; tinged deep with pain and fear and loss. It was a picture from the heart that anyone could understand. 

 

It was all about Steve of course. For Chris it would always be about Steve. 

 

Jared had captured Chris’ agony in heartbreaking Technicolor. It was an unbreakable connection to something loved and lost, and Jared felt privileged for having witnessed it firsthand. It also told him this was a photograph he could never let a man like Mike publish. It was too raw. Too honest. 

 

And of course, as much it was the route Jared didn’t want to take, it was also the obvious solution to his problem. 

 

He had no choice. He would have to take this picture to Mike Rosenbaum.

 

 

Present Day

 

Jared lifts his head up to the heavens and welcomes the chill slash of rain across his face. The stinging burn feels like penance and a familiar echo of the memories he’s relived. 

 

How many hours could he stand here and repent his sins? Hours? Days? Weeks? He’s not sure. His life has been a mess and each action that he’s taken has only served to take him deeper into trouble. It has bound him tightly to both the lies he’s woven and to the men who have come to haunt each waking moment. 

 

Beyond that Jared has his nightmares; vivid and anguished. These wake him in the dead of night, leaving him speechless and gasping for air. This is the time Jared fears the most, these recollections of his ultimate betrayal. They hold his guilt. Each spiteful cutting word and calculated deception is buried deep, but they rise swiftly to the surface as soon as he’s asleep. 

 

Jared has never dared analyse them while he’s awake, at least not until now.

 

His plan, in theory, should have worked. Jared was convinced it would. But it didn’t and he’s failed. 

 

By foolishly underestimating Mike, Jared’s paid dearly for his error. 

 

He won’t ever be able to erase what he’s done, and Jared knows the cost of his actions have been high. While he bitterly regrets that he could see no other option but to stick the knife in deep, he knows there must have been another way to save so many reputations. 

 

Shame has become his second name and he yearns to erase the smear on the world that his presence’s made. If he could take it all back he would. 

 

He wishes Jensen could know how much he truly loved him, and he desperately needs Chris to understand. He wants he wants he wants…..

 

His mind stuck in a painful repeating loop, Jared unlocks the memories he’s held at bay.

 

 

12 Months Ago – Mike Rosenbaum’s Office

 

Taking the photograph of Christian Kane to Mike had been the beginning of the end.

 

Jared had stepped into Rosenbaum’s plush office in Manhattan with a sinking feeling, as he’d watched Mike’s face twist in pleasure upon his arrival.

 

“I hope this is worth my while,” Mike gloated as he snatched the brown manila envelope free of Jared’s hands.

 

Jared didn’t answer, sitting down on Mike’s big brown leather sofa awaiting his mentor’s reaction. He hated this place. The slick veneer was cold, even bordering on clinical and specifically designed to keep a visitor on edge. This was Rosenbaum’s domain and he didn’t give away anything on home turf.

 

It was a longer wait than Jared had expected, before Mike delivered his damning verdict.

 

“Is this it? One lousy photograph?” Mike looked incredulous shaking the envelope one more time to make sure it was empty.

 

More nervous than he had ever felt, Jared kept his cool, distracting himself by running his fingers lightly along the edge of the sofa’s seams. “That’s it.” Jared replied boldly, not bothering to move. “In case you haven’t noticed I’m back early.”

 

Mike hadn’t actually, he’d been too transfixed by the envelope Jared had been carrying. “So, what’s the deal Jared? Did Jensen turn you down?” he sneered. “Is an ‘A’ list star a bit out of your reach?” 

 

It was clear Mike was going to be as obnoxious as possible.

 

“Maybe I need to give you a pay cut if you can’t deliver.” Rosenbaum eyed Jared coldly. “Or do you think Ackles is going to be your new revenue stream?”

 

Jared should have seen that one coming, Mike had long hated his interest in Jensen, but he couldn’t back down now, no matter what. He had to play this through, and if was going to stand up to Mike, Jared had better do it now. This was his moment to stick the knife in and see if he could play Mike at his own game. 

 

Jared held his breath and took the plunge. “I’ve delivered. Maybe you’re too dumb to notice, or maybe you’ve got too much to hide.” 

 

Fuck, this was a huge, huge risk, but Jared was used to playing high stakes wasn’t he?

 

Mike’s lips narrowed to a thin line as he threw the picture in Jared’s face. “I suppose you think you have balls insulting me. What happened? Did Ackles give you that much of a ‘bigger’ offer, or was that just his dick?”

 

Jared ignored the jibe. Knowing Mike this was only the start of his accusations. “Take another look at the photo.” Jared held the rumpled picture out to Mike. “I mean really look. You know where that was taken?”

 

Mike furiously snatched it, pacing the length of his office angrily. “El Camino de la Muerte.” He said the infamous road’s name slowly, as if Jared were a small child. “I’m surprised Kane didn’t throw you off the fucking thing! It would have saved me the bother!” He snapped, loosening his scarlet tie and carelessly throwing a £4000 jacket on his desk.

 

Now it maybe that Mike really didn’t know who Chris was, but either way Jared wasn’t letting him off. Leaping swiftly to his feet, Jared grabbed Mike’s arm and twisted it viciously until Mike yelped in pain. “Do you know who that is? Well do you?” It was Jared’s turn to shout, as he thrust his face to within inches of Mike’s own.

 

“It’s Kane!” Mike shouted back. “That slimy fucker’s bodyguard. The shit that can’t hold his temper! For God’s sake Jared I know who the crazy nut job is, and I’m also beginning to understand how he feels being surrounding by useless obsessed hacks like you!”

 

Jared’s world was tipping on its axis. This was his big play, his gamble on Mike actually caring that his past stayed hidden. Jared had played poker where big money had changed hands, but he’d never laid a bet where his life could come undone. Would Mike see that winning would cost him too much? Could Jared hold his nerve? Sweating, he found that the knife edge he was walking appeared perilously more dangerous than the Road of Death. 

 

“Tell me who that is Mike? Do you even know?” Jared asked his voice low and deadly. He had to make this count. His hand twisted Rosenbaum’s arm harder, watching the beads of sweat breaking out across Mike’s head. “Do you even have the remotest idea why Jensen busts a gut to keep Kane? Think Mike, this is the Road of Death, does that name ring any fucking bells?”

 

Mike, wincing, tore his arm free of Jared’s grip. This hot headed version of Jared was quite surprising, and in Mike’s warped world it was also a mighty turn on. Angry sex wasn’t something he’d indulged in for quite sometime, and he’d not fucked Jared for many, many months. He glanced at the picture, which had fallen to the floor. The bodyguard in all his glory Mike mused, conceding that Chris Kane was one fine piece of eye candy. It was almost a shame the thug worked for Jensen. It must be hard being stuck with Ackles all the time….and then the picture touched upon a chord. A memory Mike hadn’t been expecting.

 

“Bolivia.” Mike said quietly, he had almost forgotten he’d ever been there. It had been a lifetime ago when he’d been a fresh faced and naïve idiot. The acrid taste of bile rose in Mike’s throat. Trust Jared and his emotional baggage to trip over the one thing he didn’t want unearthing. His sharp eyes boring into Jared’s head, Mike asked, “So, how much do know Jared?” He chewed his lip as he watched Jared’s face intently. “I’m guessing you know enough. More than enough to hope that I’ll keep my mouth shut! So who told you, Jensen?”

 

Jared shook his head. “No. Chris.”

 

“Chris. You’re on first name terms with the bodyguard. I bet you had to work for that one” Mike whistled salaciously. “Here was me thinking you had fucked Jensen, while maybe all this time you were there tapping his ass instead. Tell me Jared, was he good?”

 

Mike Rosenbaum was disgusting. Snake didn’t even come close to covering how low this man was.

 

“No Mike,” Jared sighed. “It was Chris that told me you were with Jensen when you forced a car off the road.”

 

Mike pulled a face and groaned. “Please tell me it wasn’t this moody fuck Chris that was in the car?”

 

He was impossible. Mike didn’t care, but should that really surprise Jared?

 

Jared frowned. “No, he wasn’t, but Kane’s partner was. Do you even know who you forced over the ravine that day Mike? Do you have any idea of the lives you ruined in that careless moment?”

 

Mike rolled his eyes and stalked over to the bar at the far end of his office. “I need a drink if you’re going all self righteous on me. It wasn’t like I planned it. It was an accident. Accidents happen on that road all the time. You snooze, you loose.”

 

Jared followed him shaking his head in disbelief; snatching Mike’s glass and downing the contents in one go, allowing the fire of a fine scotch to warm the uncomfortable chill settling in his bones. Mike was a cold hearted bastard. “You don’t care, do you?”

 

“Is that really a question?” Mike asked as he poured another drink, and sighed. “Okay, so I’m sorry that the accident happened, but I’m not going to beat myself up over it. If this… this Kane wants to act like a sad puppy then good for him. If Jensen feels responsible too then boo hoo. It was years ago. It’s over and done with. Move on Jared. I have.”

 

“Christian Kane was… his partner was Steve Carlson.”

 

Maybe this would change Mike’s reaction.

 

It did as Mike froze, his drink sloshing up the sides of his glass.

 

“That name ringing any bells now?” Jared asked.

 

It was like taunting a tiger, but Jared had to do it. He had to get Mike off his back and break free of the man who had dominated his life for so long. 

 

Mike turned towards Jared slowly; step by deliberate step closing the distance between them, and the tension mounted. 

 

“Carlson. The musician who thought he could turn his hand to photographic journalism.” He eyed Jared with a sly smile. 

 

Shit. This hadn’t been how he’d thought Mike would react. 

 

“Carlson was rather good. He could have given you a run for your money and that’s for sure.” Mike took two more steps, his tongue circling the rim of his glass provocatively. “It wasn’t deliberate I promise. Its just life Jared, are you really going to hold this against me?” 

 

Jared held his ground as Rosenbaum drew closer. He’d never been this nervous since that first night with Mike. Voice cracking Jared swallowed hard. “Carslon, he’s still alive. Well kind of. According to Chris, Jensen has him in a facility with around the clock care.”

 

Mike was closing in on Jared, but when they were mere inches apart he stopped, studying his face as if trying to puzzle something out. It was something that Mike hadn’t spotted until now as he said wickedly, “Yeah, I could use this as a headline, ‘Movie star hides dirty secret.’ That would rock Hollywood.” Mike smiled as Jared’s eyes widened slightly. “Oh, yes that’s it! You’re hoping I don’t want my part in Carlson’s accident to come out.” Mike nodded like he appreciated Jared’s plan. “Well, well, well, my cubs growing teeth. Or do you actually fancy yourself as top dog?” He tilted his head curiously. “No. I don’t think that’s it. I think you have another agenda tucked up in that pretty head of yours Jared.” He jabbed Chris’ photo disgustedly with his toe and snapped sharply. “What’s the game plan Jared? Are you planning on using this to break free of me? Think you’re brave enough to do that?” 

 

Jared flinched. Mike had seen straight through him. Now he was in trouble.

 

Mike honed in for the kill, and with practised ease slid his hand up the inside of Jared’s thigh, brushing across his crotch. “Go on tell me?” He whispered in Jared’s ear. “Does Kane give you a hard on Jared, or are you saving that just for Jensen?”

 

Jared tried desperately to hold himself together, and despite growing hard under Mike’s teasing touch, he didn’t blink. 

 

“You need to back off.” Jared gasped as Mike squeezed harder, and he found his hips involuntarily flexing forward. “This isn’t about whose hole I’m fucking. This about people. Real people who you’ve beaten down and trodden on to get what and where you wanted.” 

 

Damn, it was hard for Jared to focus on his words. His body had been used as a tool so often it no longer differentiated between sleaze bags. If only he could hold out, Mike might let things slide if he could resist him. “You don’t care who you’ve hurt. Damn it you don’t care who you’ve almost killed!”

 

But Mike knew every inch of Jared. He’d helped mould the young man and make him his own. So Mike kept up his ministrations, taking a long drink of scotch as he raised an eyebrow. “You can call me what you want Jared, but I’m not the only one getting off on this.”

 

“You fuck!” Jared spat, knowing it was true.

 

Mike leaned in and kissed Jared soundly on the lips. “Takes one to know one Jared, and we both know you’re not a saint.”

 

Jared needed to move but he couldn’t. Even though he didn’t want Mike touching him, like an avid bystander ogling a car wreck he was helpless and could only watch in horror. Rosenbaum knew every button that turned Jared on, and he used this to his advantage. As Mike played Jared’s body, Jared was caught by the delicious friction.

 

But this was the last card in play, and Jared could only hope that by enduring this shameful act and allowing for his complete humiliation at Mike’s hand, it would make Rosenbaum so sick of him he would cut Jared loose and move on. 

 

Plus, Jared needed this cruel torture to remind him of how much he stood to gain and of how much he stood to loose.

 

Because although Jared had walked out on Jensen Ackles he knew it wasn’t over. Now he’d had time to clear his head and really think, he knew, a star like Jensen didn’t just out himself to a well known paparazzi over a month long fling. 

 

Despite Jensen’s protestations he had invested in Jared too. There might be cracks along the surface, and they’d been thrown off course by fear and old habits, but they could break those. Jared knew that throwing his comfy lifestyle and his international success away would be worth it, if he could get Jensen singing from the same hymn sheet.

 

It would take time, but time was something Jared was going to have plenty of.

 

Mike kept his eyes locked on Jared’s as he continued to fondle him through his trousers. Half hoping Jared would pull away and back down, half hoping that he would have someone worthy of chasing after and, eventually, breaking. 

 

Jared held out until the sweet edge of pain over took him and he spilled hot and wet inside his pants.

 

“Game on.” Mike whispered as he kissed Jared softly. 

 

Jared shivered as he pulled away. He’d gambled and he’d lost. As he stumbled from Mike’s office, outside he sagged exhausted against the door. He had made a deadly enemy in Rosenbaum, and he’d done it over a fragile thing called love.

 

Wiping ineffectively at his pants, Jared knew that Mike wouldn’t use the photo of Chris just like he knew Jared wouldn’t either. Both of them had way too much to loose if that shot was printed, and in many ways that made this whole thing much, much worse.

 

Because now Jared had to watch his back, as Rosenbaum would be coming after him.


	12. Chapter 12

Seems the game I've played has made you strong

Bruce Springsteen - Trapped

 

 

12 months ago

 

Jared left his ex-mentor’s Manhattan office with the scent of Mike’s spicy aftershave lingering on his clothes. It mingled discordantly with the heady smell of sex making Jared nauseous. More shamefully though was, while his long raincoat covered the telltale stain branded across his pants, his failure to find an empty cab forced him to walk for several blocks with the moist warm feel of his release chaffing against his thighs. Jared hated it, hated himself. He could see so clearly how all his successes were tainted; sullied and rotten from crushing careers on no more than the weight of his work. 

 

To blame Mike Rosenbaum for his greed or lack of conscience would be so easy, but Jared knew he had done everything willingly for the sake of fame and fortune. And maybe he admitted he might not have changed had he not been bewitched by Jensen Ackles. 

 

“You love the attention Jared. All the celebrities and bored housewives they’re rich pickings for the likes of you.” Mike’s words chased after him as he walked faster along the sidewalk.

 

“I went where you sent me,” Jared repeated the flimsy excuse he had flung at Mike, earning him concerned looks from other pedestrians who hurried by. 

 

Jared shook his head in annoyance, his protest had sounded weak when he’d said it to Mike, but now with some distance between them it sounded truly pathetic. In hindsight it was no wonder Rosenbaum had smiled so much as he’d sealed Jared’s departure with a last sinful kiss. “Shame on you, Padalecki! You took my cash as happily as you fucked my ass. Call it what you want Jared, but you signed on for this. I didn’t force you.”

 

Jared wished that was a lie. Anything was better than the turmoil and shame that he was left with. He had gone to Mike’s apartment gunning for glory and a clean break so he could follow his heart. Jared should have known when it came to the crunch he had no guts for blackmail. A picture – sure, he could take that. But all he was used to was passing it on for someone else to do the dirty work. He had no guts to use it himself. 

 

It was perhaps why Mike had seen Jared’s intentions right from the start. The wily fox had been on the front line for a long time and blackmail was what lined Mike Rosenbaum’s pockets. He effortlessly turned Jared’s game on its head and had his protégé running for the door in a matter of minutes. His young cub might have teeth, but Jared’s heart was and always would be tempered by his feelings. In essence Jared wasn’t cut throat enough for this business. While Mike wouldn’t admit much he did at least recognise that it had been Jared’s genuine talent in photography and the bedroom that had got him this far. It still wouldn’t stop him from teaching Jared a painfully hard lesson though.

 

Which was why Jared was now hurrying away from Mike’s feeling violated and despondent. Men like Mike didn’t let their underlings run off into the sunset. No, they ruined them. Ripped them into ragged pieces and tossed them to the dogs. Jared knew he could claim to be the highest paid paparazzi in the business, but Rosenbaum was a freelance editor whose influence and money could buy him almost anything. From today, Jared would be a hunted man. A pack of paparazzi would be snapping at his heels before the day was out. All of them ready to either steal his stories, or to catch him in the middle of some indiscretion. 

 

Jared had seen the confirmation in Mike’s eyes as he had left. Catching a fleeting but horrifying glimpse of sneering victory carved onto his face. The repulsive Editor slowly licking a long stripe across the hand he had used to make Jared soil his trousers.

 

Jared had effectively just made his job of getting Jensen back that much harder.

 

But he honestly didn’t care. 

 

Jared knew he would walk through fire for Jensen Ackles if he had to. He would dance with the devil naked and even play Jensen’s cat and mouse games of secrecy. In Jared’s mind there was no longer any shame to Jensen hiding his sexuality. It was now an irrefutable way of life born out of necessity.

 

Shoulders hunched, Jared managed to hail an empty cab after two blocks and he climbed inside exhausted, sitting back on the well worn seats to focus on his next step. His main priority of course was that he needed to locate Jensen and re-establish some form of contact. Naturally, Chris Kane popped into his mind and in truth he was probably the most obvious way in. Jared had formed an uneasy alliance with the hot headed bodyguard in La Paz, but he knew instinctively he couldn’t count on him. Chris might have had empathy with him in Bolivia but he was still an employee of Jensen’s, albeit in the loosest term. It was harsh, but for as long as the movie star picked up the expense of Steve Carlson’s medical bills, Chris would stay put at Jensen’s side.

 

With traffic building up with the rush hour, Jared could do no more than gaze from the confinement of his taxi cab. It had started to rain. One of those horrid down pours that brought the city to a stand still. Jared sighed, mindlessly tracing tiny rivulets of water across the glass with his fingers. Staring bleakly as the furious patter of raindrops obscured his view from the window. It seemed like the city he had once loved so much was crying with him. Jared felt his chest tighten, where had his zest for life gone? He had once lived for the hustle and bustle of NY. But that time seemed so long ago. Was it? He didn’t think so. He could still clearly remember the times he had flown back from some far off place; relaxing to the shrill whistle of a traffic cop or the long wail of a fire engines siren. Yet somehow, at some point he had changed. For Jared the city was just full of growling background noise. The bright neon lights that had always been a blazing ‘welcome home’ were reduced to flashing irritations amidst the chaos of harried pedestrians and dazed tourists. All he could think was New York was so far from being home. It was over crowded, noisy and full of strangers who had scant time to appreciate anything but their own feelings. 

 

It seemed that Jared had learned more on El Camino de la Muerte than he had realised. His near brush with death had taught him his old values were nothing like his dreams. While a big bonus for a salacious story would have meant the opportunity to get his name noticed, or perhaps an invite to the next award show dinner, Jared knew it hadn’t given him anything to be proud of. He had a shelf full of polished sculptures and expensively cut crystal that all bore his name, but they were hollow victories. They were a statement that said Jared had forced his way into some ones life, taken what he had needed to complete his assignment and thrown them on the mercy of a media crazed public. 

 

A roof over his head may keep him warm at night, but it hadn’t kept Jared’s heart from feeling cold.

 

“You live in the city?” the cab driver disturbed Jared’s thoughts, making a pointed effort to earn his tip.

 

Jared considered the question. Did he live here? Living implied having friends and family, loved ones he could share successes and disappointments with. It had been a long time since Jared had been able to declare he had any of those things. “No. I’m just passing through,” he eventually, answered.

 

The driver looking in his rear view mirror nodded. “I guess it’s tough if you travel a lot. No time to settle down and have all the things most of us take for granted.”

 

Not really wanting talk about something so personal Jared tried to change the subject. “You must meet some characters doing this job.”

 

The driver laughed and muttered something in Italian before adding, “You guys you think this work is easy. You have no idea what I have to put up with in this cab. Tourists I don’t mind. They’re just so excited and want to know where they can go shopping. I almost think some days I actually live at Macey’s!”

 

Jared let the taxi driver’s voice rumble in the back of his mind. He didn’t want to make polite small talk, but his newly emerging sense of decency urged him not to protest. This man drove the streets of a city he knew off by heart, in a job which caused him hassle but which he loved. Jared couldn’t say the same. 

 

And their conversation was a further reminder, that Jared didn’t need, that he had effectively nothing in his life of any value.

 

“Stop the cab, I’ll walk from here.” Jared announced. “There’s a bar I want to call in to.”

 

The driver nodded, whistling as he pulled over and Jared handed him his fare plus a healthy tip.

 

Taking a deep breath Jared paused before he started heading in the direction of the bar. He knew these streets well. Knew almost every crack and manhole cover, although it had been a few years since he’d been along them; a lifetime in many ways. The east village had been where he and Chad had been lucky to secure their first apartment when they’d moved to NYC. In fact it was a much nicer home than the one they’d eventually ended up moving to, but starting here had been fantastic. The beginning of their great adventure, and it had been a somewhat foolish fantasy that it would pan out from the start. The reality of living their dreams had proved very different. It was an expensive location and every cent they’d earned had been swallowed up in rent and food. As young men they wanted a social life and a chance to enjoy the decadent pleasures living in New York could offer. Jared had agonised over their dilemma for weeks; torn between his creative streak and a chance to let his hair down for once. But there had been Chad to consider; his friend who was fronting the cost for the majority of their bills, as Murray was the only one with a ‘proper job’. So moving away had been the only solution. It had been a tough decision for Jared to leave behind a home that he had grown to love. He had snapped thousands of photos and spent long hours walking all over the district, perfecting his skills with shapes and colour. And best of all, falling in love with capturing the world in black and white. 

 

Jared recalled it all like it was only yesterday, briskly striding up the street in an attempt to dodge the rain, knowing but not caring that he would be soaked through by the time he reached his destination. 

 

And it was a substantial walk from where the cab had dropped him off to the bar that he needed. But it didn’t matter because Jared had his memories to keep him company, and it was with growing excitement as he neared 9C. It was one of the first bars and nightclubs he and Chad had gone to when they moved here, and it had rapidly become a place that they had frequented weekly if their budget allowed. 9C was down in the east village and it was a popular hang out with a hard core following thanks to using local entertainment. It sold a good selection of beer and it had a loud but welcoming feeling. Jared had soon branded it Chad’s second home. 

 

When they had been forced to move something had prevented Jared from returning. Pride or possibly regret he wasn’t sure, but Jared had felt he would be out of place. So he simply hadn’t gone again. But he did know that Murray had kept returning. Chad was never one to make the same emotional attachments to places that Jared did.

 

And it was because of Chad Michael Murray that he needed to back in his old haunt.

Not that Jared was going there with any hope of seeing Chad. Murray was a creature of habit, and Jared doubted that even in the 3 intervening years he’d changed that much. No, Monday’s had always been traditionally reserved for lounging around in ratty sweatpants while recovering from the excesses of the weekend. With Chad not on the agenda Jared’s focus of returning was to face up to his past, and a life that he had left behind. 

 

But after a breathless half an hour walk in dried cum stained pants it a soul destroying discovery that Jared made when he arrived. The bar, which was always open, was in darkness. 9C was closed and boarded up. There were rusted bars across the windows and a despondent aura hanging in the air that indicated it had been shut for some time. Jared stared at the firmly bolted door, its lacquered paint dull and blistered. It was gone. Snuffed out like a proverbial dying candle. A whole damn portion of his life lost forever, and Jared hadn’t even been around to witness as it passed in to legend.

 

It was a strange feeling. Unsettling and disturbing in a way that he couldn’t pinpoint. Jared had boarded the unyielding freight train of life, and it had carried him on a journey far in excess of what he could possibly have imagined. He’d seen and done things other people could only dream of: brushing shoulders with state dignitaries, celebrities and even a few Kings. And yes, in the name of ‘public interest’, bedding attractive models and closeted movie stars by the score. But this - a normal everyday occurrence – this he’d missed. The night’s where he could have kicked back and watched the footie with Chad were over. The days when he could have wandered aimlessly through New York snapping random photos were gone. While Jared had been away on his adventure his old way of life had shut up shop and moved on.

 

Jared sagged against the doorway dejectedly. Had he been fooling himself into thinking there had been a way back? Was there a reality where he could have his old life and possibly win Jensen? He rubbed his eyes, took his cell phone from his pocket and scrolled down to the number for Jensen’s office.

 

But how could he simply dial the number? 

 

He’d run out on his assignment. Gone and ditched a project that was worth thousands of dollars and walked out on a movie star who he wanted more than life itself. How the hell could he just phone up? Was ‘Hi this is Jared Palalecki. I’m so sorry that I screwed up’ really going to cut it? Would anyone bother to give him the time of day? Besides he wouldn’t reach Jensen or Chris by contacting an office number. All he’d succeed in doing was adding his name to a long, long list of journalists Jensen would likely never hear about. Jared snapped his phone shut and let his head thump back against the door. 

 

There was nothing more Jared could achieve by hiding away in New York he would have to go to Hollywood.

 

 

Hollywood

 

Hollywood was a place that Jared hated more than New York. It was the home of movie stars and wanna be’s. A haven for a multitude of fake and plastic smiles fixed onto fake and plastic bodies. Jared knew it well, both in his official capacity as the leader of the paparazzi pack, where his name gained him access through doors that would normally have remained firmly shut, and his seedier unofficial one where he was venerated as the ‘the guy that was great for a quick fuck.’ In face slapping irony it was perhaps this second title that had brought him his greatest achievements, because this was a position that had allowed him to hear secrets that would otherwise have been swept under the proverbial red carpet. 

 

It was interesting to note, over the two days Jared had been back, that as some contacts and previous assignations had continued to greet him warmly others had mumbled apologies and closed their doors. It was Mike Rosenbaum’s influence of course. Jared hadn’t doubted for a second that his break with Mike wouldn’t loose him influential friends. But he was still pleasantly surprised that most seemed unconcerned by the smear now attached to his name. Rosenbaum wasn’t regarded fondly and Jared had earned his ticket into the upper echelons by his own hard work. Despite the fact a large amount of that ‘hard work’ had been hammered out in the bedroom.

 

Having used his first two days wisely it was a shock to Jared how easily everything quickly became unravelled.

 

Yet maybe it shouldn’t have been, as it was Misha Collins who waylaid Jared by the pool at his hotel. 

 

It was a clear and balmy morning in LA, and Jared had been partaking of an early morning swim. It was as much a means of relaxation as it was exercise and he enjoyed the delicious stretch of his muscles slicing through cool water. It refreshed him and took away his fears in a way that alcohol never could. It was a pity that his solitude couldn’t last.

 

“Hmmm, I’d forgotten just how gorgeous that body of yours is,” Misha unexpected voice purred from the poolside. 

 

Jared’s head shot up in shock, treading water until he moved into the shallows. “Misha? What are you doing here?” Not expecting to be torpedoed, once he could put his feet under him Jared waded to the side, acutely aware that Misha’s eyes hungrily tracked the rippling beads of water than ran over his ripped and tanned physique. Jared playfully shook his head splashing water over Misha’s jean clad legs. “Is this just a social call, or are you after something else?” He might not be interested in the B list actor anymore but he could still play the game.

 

Misha laughed and flopped down on a nearby sun bed to appreciate Jared while he climbed out of the pool. “Nice trunks,” Misha wiggled his eyebrows. “Fancy taking them off?” Unerringly direct his face looked hopeful, and Jared didn’t doubt that although they were in a public space, Misha was anything less than serious.

 

Snatching his towel from a chair, Jared rubbed his hair. “I’m serious Misha, are just hear to letch, or do you have something for me?”

 

It was the wrong thing to ask Misha who rubbed suggestively at his crotch. “I’ve always got something for you Jared, but I think you’ve set your sights on a much trickier target.”

 

Jared went still. So it would seem Misha had heard something on Hollywood’s notorious grapevine. “You think so?” he asked nonchalantly.

 

Misha looked at him coyly through dark lashes as he stopped playing with his dick. “Why Mr Padalecki I do believe you look a little upset. Did your recent trip to South America not meet with your expectations?”

 

Misha could be a first class fuck sometimes, and not in the literal sense. Big question was though, how the hell did he know about Jared’s recent trip? 

 

Jared shivered. This had the scent of something nasty written all over it. Not wanting to be a party to whatever Collins was peddling Jared threw his towel in Misha’s face, walking away.

 

“Don’t you want to know where your heartbroken would be lover is?” Misha called after him. He didn’t even attempt to keep the smugness from his voice.

 

Jared stopped and looked over his shoulder. “What’s this going to cost me?” he asked coldly, completely aware that Misha’s fingers were tapping on his groin. There was so much of Misha at the moment that was too reminiscent of Mike. Rosenbaum had been explicit about the B list star’s abilities, and Jared knew that the two of them had spoken very recently.

 

Misha flashed Jared a pearly white smile, leaning forward to pull off his shades and reveal those spectacular deep blue eyes. Jared couldn’t help but be startled. Misha had some of Jensen’s boyish appeal, and when he wanted to he could turn it on like a tap. And that was where their similarity started and ended. Misha used his sexuality like a weapon, and that was something Jensen would never do. It meant that Jensen Ackles and Misha Collins were like oil and water, or night and day. At opposite ends of the spectrum Jared had at some point wanted them both. It was another reminder of how he could neatly slice his life into diverse and precise halves. 

 

Misha disturbed Jared’s thoughts further as he added, “Cost? Hmmm…” he appeared to consider this. “Well, I might let you decide that when you hear my news.”

 

Jared moved a little closer, glancing around to ensure that they were still alone. “What news?” he asked cautiously. 

 

Misha leaned back grinning. “You don’t know do you?” He couldn’t disguise the glee in his voice.

 

An uneasy feeling began itching over Jared’s skin. This wasn’t a conversation he was going to like. But like a car crash he had no chance of avoiding, Jared plunged right in. “I guess not so why don’t you tell me?”

 

Misha’s hands were on his zipper and a smirk was on his face. “This is worth a lot Jared.”

 

“MISHA!” Jared growled through gritted teeth, but all the time his mouth was demanding answers his heart was telling him to shut his ears.

 

“I guess you upset Jensen well enough to turn the boy straight!” Misha laughed delightedly. “Guess what, he’s getting married!”

 

Jared blinked. “What?”

 

“Married, spliced, hitched, you know wedded bliss and all that jazz. His engagement to Danneel Harris was announced to close friends yesterday.” Misha looked blissfully happy as he dropped his bombshell.

 

“Yesterday? But…” Jared spluttered, sinking down onto the edge of Misha’s sun bed.

 

“Did you think he should have called and told you personally?” Misha shook his head and sighed like a disapproving father. “I warned you he was trouble but you didn’t listen.” He patted Jared comfortingly on the shoulder before adding coldly, “Was he really worth fucking up your whole career for?”

 

And then Jared knew for certain, if there had been any last remaining doubts, Rosenbaum was behind Misha’s appearance today. 

 

“Have you sold this golden piece of gossip to Mike yet?” Jared demanded, clenching his fists. 

 

Misha glared at him. “You think you’re better than me, don’t you Jared? Well I’ve got news for you – you’re not. We both live in the gutter picking up tiny bit parts that the big people throw at us! The only difference between us is I know when to wise up and move on. Jensen Ackles is and always will be bad news! You’ve shit in your own nest Jared, there’s no way back from that.”

 

Jared was on Misha within seconds, his larger frame pinning Misha helplessly against the bed. “You think your opinion matters to me?” Jared bellowed in his face, hands circling Misha’s wrists like handcuffs. “You think because we fucked and I enjoyed it you know everything about me, well guess what? You don’t!” He was on a roll now and he couldn’t stop. “I left Mike because I don’t want to live my life as one big fat lie.”

 

Misha squirmed beneath Jared’s body, but he managed to get an arm free; right hand slipping on damp skin as he manhandled Jared. “You wanted Jensen and he sure as hell isn’t crawling out of the closet. Not even for you Jared,” he spat defiantly. 

 

Jared saw red as he slammed Misha back into the bed a second time. Knowing that he was losing all control still couldn’t stop him, and the more Misha struggled the harder Jared tried to pin his arms down again. Leaving bruised red marks around his wrists. 

 

“That’s the spirit Jared!” Misha urged him on. There was a well defined line between pain and pleasure and Misha wasn’t afraid to walk it, especially with someone as desirable as Jared. 

 

Jared knew he was being played, but somehow his restraint was shot. There was simply no way he could focus on anything but his hatred of Mike, and the cold hearted way in which Misha had dispensed his news. Jared was more than happy to give Misha what he wanted. It meant he could drown in his emotions, lose himself in the mind numbing nothingness of meaningless sex. And it wouldn’t matter to Misha, because this was exactly what he was hoping for. 

 

With his sanity clouded Jared thrust his knee between Misha’s thighs. “I bet you’ve wanted this again for a long time, haven’t you?” Jared hissed, teeth grazing the edge of Misha’s ear. “We both know you don’t mind if things get a little rough. You get off on it!” He intentionally bit at Misha’s lip and received a throaty groan in reply.

 

As Jared had both a size and weight advantage it wasn’t difficult to keep Misha where he wanted him. 

 

“That’s it Jared.” Misha rolled his hips up. “You can be as dirty as you want with me. I’m not some prissy celebrity who’s afraid of a few photos.”

 

It was true, and if anything Misha Collins had always courted attention. Flagrant in his liaisons with other men his sexual preferences were something he was comfortable with. It wasn’t hard to taunt an overly strung out paparazzi like Jared.

 

Perfectly staged to inflict the maximum of damage Misha pushed all of Jared’s buttons using his fear, anger, hurt and frustration to the max. While Jared’s life fell apart, Misha’s was beginning to look mighty comfortable and if he could keep stoking Jared’s fire this had the potential to turn into one of his biggest pay days.


	13. Chapter 13

Cause when we kissed the moment after I looked at you different

Lately I gotta watch what I say

Musiq Soulchild - Half Crazy

 

Playing the part of Rosenbaum’s honey trap worked far better than Misha could have dreamed. Provoking Jared into a careless and ill considered had attained not only Mike’s objective, but it also allowed Misha a much desired luxury. To enjoy the heady pleasure of Jared’s near naked body; heated sun kissed skin sizzling with droplets of water from had Misha dazzled, drunk almost, as he groped the larger man. An enraged Jared was a glorious thing, or it was for around 20 perfect seconds until, out of nowhere, a pair of strong arms had linked around Jared’s waist and pulled him fiercely from Misha’s lap; dumping him unceremoniously to the floor. 

 

Jared landed heavily, his neck aching as he was jolted to his senses. Breathing, shallow and fast he shook his head in an attempt to regain some equilibrium. He winced as his left wrist throbbed in protest at being the breaker to his fall. Fuck, what had he almost done? What had been thinking? If it hadn’t been….. Jared’s thought process blipped as an icy recollection disturb him. Just who had come along and pulled him away from Collins?

 

Dazed Jared stared blearily up, to see in glorious fury, the one small detail that Mike and Misha, for all their brilliance, had failed to factor into play. 

 

“Padalecki! Are you insane? What were you planning on doing? Fucking this piece of shit in public?” The husky southern rumble rattled Jared’s brain.

 

His stomach did a queasy roll. Was he going to be indebted to this man forever? 

 

“Chris?” Jared gasped lungs burning to gulp in more oxygen. While his body still dropped from its adrenaline high of anger and surprise.

 

Christian Kane scowled in obvious annoyance before turning his attention from Jared and onto Misha Collins who lay cowering on the sunbed. “You,” he said slowly pointing an index finger at the trembling actor. “You need to leave. Go! Get your ass of my sight.”

 

Misha flinched, his body coiling inwards. The tension in his face clearly visible as his eyes darted between Jared and Chris. Clearly terrified at the thought of Kane’s anger being turned full force on him. Of course, Jared realised slowly, as he caught the anxious blink of Misha’s eyes, the actor had already experienced the full force of Chris’ fragile temper once before. 

 

Misha had tried his charm on Jensen not so long ago, and had been unreservedly punished for it. There was no way in the world he was going to push his luck with Jared now and risk a possible reminder of why Christian Kane was a bodygurard. Throwing a dark look at Jared for good measure, he crawled slowly to his feet; not even bothering to straighten up his shirt or pants.

 

“Don’t worry I think I’ve just got something else I can sell to Mike.” Misha sneered, desperate to get some sort of final taunt in. 

 

Kane growled and made to grab him, but Jared’s hand caught hold of one denim clad leg. “Let him go,” Jared said. “He’s not worth it.” 

 

A shameful feeling was trickling along Jared’s skin as he watched Misha leave. Mike had once warned him about Collins, but he hadn’t listened. Now the two men had joined up against him, Jared would pay the penance for that mistake the hard way.

 

Feeling suddenly sick he forced himself to sit up, perching uneasily on the edges of the now vacant sunbed, while Chris tracked Misha’s departure from behind dark glasses until he disappeared from view. With the muted sound of LA rumbling to life, Jared’s mind swiftly ran through, at break neck speed, the reasons of why Jensen’s bodyguard had tracked him down. What in the world did Chris want? Why come to him now? More to the point how had he found him? Why? Why? Why? Jared groaned inwardly, his brain was like a needle stuck in the groove of an old 45, and with no real conclusion he could do no more than wait for Chris to speak.

 

It was undoubtedly going to be a painful conversation. 

 

“What the hell were you thinking Jared? Are you crazy? Of all the people you could have hooked up with Collins has to be about the worst!”

 

Jared sighed knowing Chris was right. But in his defence he hadn’t exactly hooked up with Misha. It had been more like he’d momentarily lost it, and he’d let his anger and hormones do the driving. It had all the hallmarks of being totally suicidal, but then Jared hadn’t exactly been thinking logically. 

 

It was only now, in the quiet aftermath of being stopped from doing something truly reprehensible, that Jared realised just how bad it could have been. What if he’d been caught on camera? It was a genuine possibility that he was being followed. Why else was Misha here this morning? What would have been the fallout if a photographer had captured them having sex? One click of a lens and Jared would have found his face all over the evening news. 

 

It was a distasteful fact that Mike Rosenbaum would have loved the irony of his fall and made a mint from it. And without a doubt, Mike would have been ecstatic as he basked in the certain glory that he had got to fuck Jared over one more time.

 

“Yeah,” Jared’s shoulders slumped. “I’m good at making bad decisions.” 

 

That was in actual fact an understatement. Wrong choices seemed to be the only thing Jared was good at. 

 

With the heat of his anger fading, Jared could feel the cold reality of Misha’s stinging words. He swallowed a wave of rising panic and forced himself to meet Chris’ eyes. “Tell me, is it true? Jared took a shallow breath and blurted out, “Is Jensen getting married?”

 

Chris cursed. “That fucker Collins! How the hell did he find out?”

 

Jared turned his head away getting unsteadily to his feet to stand at the side of the pool; toes clinging to the edge. “So, it is true?” he asked. His voice remained oddly steady, as a feeling not akin to grief swelled inside his chest. From far away Jared dimly registered the muffled shuffle of feet on concrete as Chris came over to stand behind him. “I’m right aren’t I?” he whispered. 

 

Jared could almost taste Kane’s uneasiness in the warming air around them, and he sensed sadness in his words as he confirmed it. “Yeah, it’s true.”

 

Jared nodded, blinking back tears that welled up unexpectedly. “Why are you here Chris? Did you think I needed to hear this personally rather than see it on the news?” His voice sounded bitter even to his own ears.

 

“Jared,” Chris’ hand touched his bare shoulder, warm fingers squeezing sympathetically. “You shouldn’t have heard this from scum like Collins.” Kane added. “But…well….Jensen took your leaving without a word real badly.”

 

Jared turned incredulously on Chris. “You want me to feel sorry for him?” he demanded. “Even knowing everything you do for him? Hell, you even warned me to keep away from Jensen! Now you’re still sorry that he’s burying his sexuality once and for all?”

 

It was a crazy thought, but Jared felt like shoving Chris into the pool. He didn’t though. Jared knew full well he had already escaped one incident without anyone noticing, a second might just be pushing his luck. Instead he barged past Chris heading for hotel. He’d heard enough, and suffered enough at the hands of both Mike and Jensen. If they wanted to play out a war in the full glare of the media they could do it without his help. 

 

“Jared, stop!” Chris chased him down. “You don’t understand.”

 

“Understand?” Jared tried dodging Kane to little effect. “Oh, I understand alright. The guy pays your wages and Steve’s medical bills! There’s only so much you’ll say against him.” It was a cheap shot and as soon as the words left Jared’s mouth he instantly regretted them. “Oh, shit. Fuck. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way.”

 

Chris had the surprised look of someone who had been shot by his best friend, and hadn’t seen the bullet coming. Lines of pain, weariness, hurt etched in defined lines across his face. “That was low, even for you Padalecki,” Kane said very softly. “But,” he grimaced, “maybe you’re right. I do stay because of Steve, but do you blame me? I can’t afford the cost of the sort of care and treatment he’s receiving, and if there’s a chance. Any sort of chance…..” His voice trailed off.

 

“Chris, I am so sorry.” Jared heart lurched. This was the side of a man he had gotten to know in Bolivia. A man who did his job with unswerving loyalty in return for his injured lovers continued hospital care. Jared ached to reach out and offer some sort of comfort, but he couldn’t. Whatever friendship that had been born of the ill fated trip to Bolivia it hadn’t been tested against the weight of Kane’s devotion to Jensen. But Jared suspected it would have to be no contest. For as much as Chris might hate it, and for as much as it was wrong, the bodyguard was in debt to Jensen. Both for Steve’s treatment, and also because it wasn’t Jensen who had been driving the car. It had been Mike Rosenbaum. Plus when the stress of his situation became intolerable, and Chris had acted too forcefully and used his fists to beat off some of Jensen’s more persistent and unwanted suitors, Ackles was there to bail his ass out of jail.

 

Chris shook his head. “It’s okay, I get it. I’ve protected Jensen for years, and yeah, even taken advantage of that more often than I can count. But I did….I do need to know that someone’s going to be looking after Steve.”

 

It was an unhealthy relationship and they both knew it. Chris using the outlet of violence to assuage his grief, and Jensen walling the guilt of his sexuality behind the excuse he was preserving his livelihood. 

 

Jared felt every pound of that debt as he patted Chris lightly on the shoulder. “I’m going up to my room to get dressed you can tell me more about this ‘engagement’ on the way.”

 

Chris nodded and followed in Jared’s wake, but instead of talking out their anxieties they found themselves in an uneasy silence all the way to Jared’s room. Staring at each other from opposing ends of the elevator until it pinged to herald their arrival at the fourth floor. The heavy doors sliding open with a soft swish, startlingly loud in the silent corridor. The other hotel guests thankfully still in their rooms, allowing Chris to double check they weren’t being followed as they slipped quietly into Jared’s room.

 

If the air between them had been tense in the elevator it ricocheted to new dizzying heights once they were inside. The memories of another hotel room in Bolivia reminding them of the many things they had decided should remain unspoken. Cloying and overpowering it made Jared hurriedly turn towards the bathroom; side stepping quickly away from Kane. 

 

“Make your self at home,” Jared gestured to one of two plush couches. “I’m just going to take a shower and get dressed.”

 

Chris didn’t reply, but he did remove his glasses, and Jared could feel those sharp eyes between his shoulder blades as he retreated to the bathroom. With a flimsy hotel door separating them, he exhaled harshly and slumped back against the door. 

 

He was strung out. On information overload his nerves raw and tight. Misha Collins had preyed on Jared’s emotions for Jensen, and used their past history against him. If there was ever a person Jared would regret bedding it was Misha. The guy may have been a spectacular lay, but he’d gotten too good look inside Jared’s head. 

 

Angry at having played directly into Misha’s hands, Jared turned on the shower and stripped away his trunks; lowering his head to let the steaming spray cascade in a ripple over his muscles. The tepid water driving through the aching tension that Collins had wound up. 

 

With his hands on the shower wall in front of him, Jared attempted focus on his breathing, but he couldn’t. He had too much unreleased energy coursing through him. Too many pairs of hands had been tearing at his skin; Misha’s grabby fingers pawing at him, replaced by the solid pressure of Kane’s firm hands pulling and pushing. They had all built on Jared’s misery. Building and building upon the feelings that were steadily devouring him. Fuck! It was too much. Thoughts, memories and desires came blazing through him in a flood of want. Pouring relentlessly into his heart and soul, and then swiftly down into significantly more obvious places. Filling Jared with emotions and needs he was no longer capable of ignoring. Oh, sweet Lord he was, suddenly, so unbelievably hard; dick swelling and rising in eager acknowledgement of every touchy feely moment. 

 

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

 

Disgusted with himself, and in turmoil over Jensen, it still didn’t stop Jared’s cock from taking charge. And his fingers moved on automatic, seeking out his balls in silent response to his dick’s demands. Yeah…. that felt so good; so fucking nice, and Jared gasped as a sliver of pleasure zipped along his spine. He just needed to twist his wrist a little more, thrust up into his fist that bit harder. Panting, Jared was squeezing, rubbing, jerking faster and faster. The urge to find release was almost blinding as it thundered almost desperately through his veins like quick silver; hips snapping furiously into his hand. 

 

Holy ….fu….fu…..Gulping harshly, Jared’s body became a frenzied blur of motion. He was going to come, he needed to so badly. Yet at the same time he didn’t want it over. He wanted to feel that knife edge of pleasure for way longer. But Jared was spiralling at breakneck speed towards the end, and as a breathless ‘fuck’ slid off his lips there was barely enough time to appreciate the slick slide of soapy water splashing on his skin as water hit his sensitive balls perfectly. It was so good, so fucking good; losing himself to the fantasy of shoving his dick into a warm and willing ass. Jared tensed as images of Misha, Chris and Jensen came crashing through his mind and his stomach clenched in desperation. A strangled cry dripped helplessly from his lips; balls drawing up as the pleasure curled in delicious teasing expectation. He was being too loud, and Chris who was just the other side of the door, was bound to hear him. But it didn’t matter, not now. Jared couldn’t stop, not this close. He needed this. He wanted it so badly. His life was a mess and it was all Jensen’s fault. It was Jensen and Misha and fuck…fuck….with a shuddering moan, Jared’s hips stuttered for a final time and he shot his load over the shower stall.

 

For a moment Jared just stood there mesmerised by the dripping semen slowly washing from his hands. He felt numb. Broken and defeated. He’d had everything and he’d flushed it all away. Rosenbaum was out for blood and there were enough willing people in the world, that Jared had humiliated in the press, who would gladly sign up to drag his name into the dirt.

 

He thumped the shower off and climbed out. Slinging a towel around his dripping body and opening the bathroom door to see Kane with a bemused smile plastered on his face.

 

“Feel better for that?” Chris asked. His voice was flat, impassive, but there was an edge to it that suggested he had heard Jared jerking off.

 

Jared shrugged unembarrassed. “Not really.” 

 

Chris regarded him quizzically for a second, before stalking to the refrigerator to retrieve two miniature vodkas. “Try this instead then.”

 

“Bit early isn’t it?” Jared raised an eyebrow as he took the tiny bottle.

 

Chris shrugged knocking back his drink in one go. “You need to let off some steam Jared, and I’m guessing after Misha you either need to fuck or drink. Frankly my option is the less complicated of the two.”

 

Jared flushed as he thought of his shower, and he smiled before knocking back his bottle. “You have a point.” He coughed, as the fiery liquid tickled when it hit the back of his throat.

 

“Come on get dressed we’re going out.”

 

“Out?” Jared queried.

 

Kane pushed him towards the bedroom. “Yeah, out. Don’t worry it will be somewhere quiet and discrete where Mike and his cronies can’t find you.”

 

Jared threw a doubtful look over his shoulder. “You sure about that?”

 

“Quite sure. I kept Jensen and his assignations out of sight for long enough didn’t I?”

 

Jared froze. “But that’s easy Jensen doesn’t go ‘out’ in the States.”

 

The heat from Kane’s hands was starting to make Jared’s blood boil and bring to life an area of his body that should have been exhausted. But far worse than that was the unsettling feeling that he was going to learn something he really, really didn’t want to know.

 

“Who told you that?” Chris asked quietly, his hands sliding down Jared’s damp back as he dropped them to his sides.

 

Jared suppressing a shiver turned to find Chris inches from him; the familiar scent of his aftershave made his senses tingle. It took Jared right back to another edge - El Camino de las Muerte. “Chris,” he breathed, and suddenly, he was staring into the depths of those very clear blue eyes.

 

Jared could see how Chris swallowed nervously; realising they were too close for comfort.

 

“Jensen told me.” Jared said slowly, keeping his voice deliberately low. The painful itch of knowing that the real truth was creeping ever closer had his mind hastily searching for a way to deny what Chris would tell him. “Jensen told me he kept his ‘assignations’ out of the country.”

 

Chris flinched. His eyes confirming Jensen’s lie before his words did. “Jared….”

 

“Tell me the truth,” Jared interrupted; voice steady despite the erratic beating of his heart.

 

Chris closed his eyes, and it was obvious that he didn’t want to be having this conversation with Jared. “Jensen doesn’t like to, but sometimes….damn it Jared he is a guy! There are a few places he will go if I think its safe,” Chris said softly, looking at Jared from beneath hooded lashes. “But he does tend to go only with guys that have a good reason to keep his secret.”

 

“How does that work?” Jared’s words caressed Chris’ cheek, as he was almost whispering.

 

Fists clenched tightly and unable to move away, Chris gritted his teeth. “He pays good money for people to keep their silence. There are always ways of getting what you need if you can afford it.”

 

“Well I guess that’s the truth,” Jared muttered bitterly, beginning to wonder if the actor had told him anything that was honest.

 

“Jared he lied to you for a good reason.” As much as Chris hated to defend Jensen there was some truth behind it. “You think Jensen would want you to know he’s paid for sex?”

 

Jared frowned. “Why wouldn’t he? Who am I to Jensen? I’m just a guy with a willing dick. It’s hardly a ringing endorsement.”

 

Chris grabbed Jared and shook him hard. “Fuck, you can be such a lame idiot! I know Jensen. I was surprised as hell after everything I’ve seen him do, but I know how much you leaving him in Bolivia hurt. I don’t understand why you’ve got under his skin and I have no clue at what this means, but I can honestly say you’ve meant more than anyone has done for a long time Jared. It’s just….” he sighed, “bad habits are hard to break, especially when you’re famous.”

 

Jared soaked up everything Chris said and shook his head. “You’re wrong.”

 

“No, I’m not but Jensen…..damn it Padalecki, you fell for the wrong guy. Jensen isn’t just a man, he’s a star. That comes with baggage.” 

 

Jared threw up his hands in disbelief, almost too afraid to hear this; the slender of hope. “We all have baggage Chris. So what? Jensen gets to be a first class dick because he likes his name in lights?” He couldn’t cope any more. Everything that had happened rolling like a crashing wave, sinking him deeper and deeper into emotions he had no experience of handling. Frustrated with his predicament and plain scared of Kane’s reply, Jared hightailed it to his bedroom. 

 

Chris swore. “Fuck you Jared! Why is what Jensen’s been doing any worse than anything you’ve done before? I seem to remember there was a time, and it wasn’t that long ago, you would sleep with anything that moved! The only difference is you were the one getting paid. It may have been with scandal and gossip and all done under the noble guise of furthering your career, but it wasn’t any better than someone laying down hard cash!”

 

Jared turned on Chris fists clenched.

 

“Make it count Jared, because you’ve had your quota of free shots.” Chris warned.

 

Jared hesitated, chest rising and falling rapidly. They were at an impasse. It was one of those horrible moments where going forward would mean unravelling a whole heap of shit neither man wanted to face. 

 

Yet there was no way back, not now. 

 

Jensen was under both of their skins. 

 

For Jared it cemented a simple truth in place. He was addicted and there was no way back. He wanted Jensen no matter what. And for Chris it meant accepting that he used his anger with Steve’s situation to keep himself tied to a man who was too ashamed to live the life he so desperately wanted.

 

Like living chess pieces they circled each other. Recognising on different levels it would have been far less complicated if they had both stayed far away.

 

It took Chris to finally break the stalemate. “We keep staring at each other for much longer, I’m gonna say we should fuck and get this over with,” he cracked dryly.

 

Jared gaped at him astonished before dissolving into peals of laughter. “Dude, you did not just say that!”

 

Chris shrugged in that nonchalant way he had, which only served to make Jared laugh even louder. Gulping air back into his lungs, Jared clutched his aching sides watching how mirth sparkled in Kane’s eyes. “You’re a good friend,” he said quietly. “I hope Jensen knows that. I certainly do.”

 

The humour in Kane’s eyes slowly faded. “Yeah, I guess you do.” For a few seconds he paused as if considering something. “There is something I haven’t told you though,” he added slowly.

 

Jared raised an eyebrow. “What?”

 

Obviously uncomfortable Chris shoved his hands into his pants pockets. “There’s a low key party Jensen’s holding later.”

 

Jared’s mouth narrowed in a thin smile. “Let me guess, an engagement type of party?”

 

Chris nodded. “It was Danneel’s idea. She’s never one to miss an opportunity to put her name out there. Being linked to a star like Jensen, well that’s gonna help her out a lot.”

 

Jared stared uncomfortably at his feet. “Is it a marriage of convenience or …..” he didn’t like to finish off that sentence. Jensen had dated women, a serious number of them in fact, it was hardly likely he’d refrained from sex in all of those encounters. 

 

Chris sighed. “Convenience mixed with a twist of denial and frustration.”

 

Swearing Jared stormed into his bedroom, throwing his towel onto the floor. 

 

“Jared!” Chris’ growl followed him. “You can’t blame him.”

 

Jared whirled on Chris, completely unconcerned that he was naked. “What? Are you kidding me? So you think Jensen getting married to this woman is a good idea?”

 

Kane kept his eyes and voice level as Jared bristled with anger. “Maybe not a good idea no, but it does have its benefits.”

 

“Benefits?” This was just priceless. “Have you lost your mind? How in the world is Jensen pretending to be Mr Happily Married going to be a good idea?”

 

Jared didn’t wait for Chris to answer. He knew well enough what celebrities would do to hide their secrets, but it was a painful feeling to know Jensen was going to play that game too. Annoyed, Jared began riffling through drawers to locate his underwear. Chris, leaning against the bedroom wall, perhaps even admiring the view a little, watched him as he decimated the contents of his sock drawer. 

 

By the time Jared had his boxers on and had fished out a faded blue shirt and pair of well worn jeans, he realised he felt inexplicably tired, sinking back against the wall beside to Chris. “Why? Give me one good reason as to why Jensen would do this?” he whispered not turning to look at his companion.

 

“You,” Chris replied equally quietly. 

 

Jared closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “This,” he struggled to find his words. “This is ridiculous. Jensen barely knows me,” he frowned. “In Bolivia…. it….he just wanted…..damn it Chris he just wanted a fuck!”

 

Chris let the question linger unsure as to what Jared truly wanted to hear; eventually deciding that now was not the time a reply. Because some times the answer isn’t always the best solution to a question. 

 

“Let’s go get that drink,” he suggested as Jared continued to look helplessly confused.


	14. Chapter 14

"I don't know where to start

Or how to begin

But I know I love you still."

Take That - I'd wait for life

 

 

Kane drove them through a maze of streets to a small bar in an area Jared didn’t recognise. It looked rundown with its empty units and graffiti covered concrete blocks; making the tiny bar most unwelcoming. Jared noted, as he climbed from Chris’ truck, that the bar’s name was painted on a peeling and hastily erected sign above the door, either a testament to a bad handyman or more likely a glaring symbol of what the inside was going to be like. As it turned out he wasn’t disappointed. As Jared entered he passed a furtive youth in faded jeans who lingered by the door. Dressed in faded denim, swaying unsteadily, the guy was young, maybe early twenties, but with his sallow skin and red ringed eyes he looked older. Kind of used up and worn out. His glazed eyes, however, were not so fogged that they missed Jared’s neat clothes and toned body and coal dark eyes raked lecherously over Jared’s chest. Uncomfortable didn’t cover how he made Jared feel. The man was either high or drunk, and for once Jared was more than glad to stick close to Kane. 

 

With nails carving grooves into his palms Jared hurried past but stumbled on the torn carpet. Chris, ever vigilant caught him by the arm. “Steady. I don’t want Jensen to think I let you get damaged on purpose.”

 

Jared blinked. “Right.” He didn’t have a clue what to say. This side of town wasn’t somewhere he was familiar with. Even when he had first come to NY with Chad he had lived in a half decent apartment. This bar was the type of place that could have dropped out of a movie set. The stereotypical rough side of the tracks where it was expected if you asked no questions no one would ever enquire what you were doing here. 

 

Chris flashed him a grin but it failed to make Jared feel any better. The place was just so dark. The lighting was reduced to wall lamps that had shades which may have once resembled blue oyster shells, but it was hard to tell. They were so cracked and dirty, Jared half expected to find bugs crawl around the fittings. Even the seats had seen better days. Imitation leather booths lined the room, but their seats were sliced open to reveal the foam stuffing beneath. 

 

 

Yet there was something weirdly comforting, despite the décor and its patrons. There was a familiar sense of anonymity that reminded Jared of how life used to be when he and Chad would go out, and ouch, that memory smarted. Chad Michael Murray was a life time ago. And a strong and guilty visual of betrayal Jared didn’t want to think about. Hastily Jared pushed the unwanted thoughts of his former friend away. Justifying his actions on the fact he was struggling so hard with the present he didn’t need his past to come back and haunt him. 

 

After a couple of drinks that were downed in silence, Chris eyed Jared speculatively.

 

“What?” Jared asked; a finger skating aimlessly around the rim of his beer.

 

“Just wondering.” Kane shrugged. “You seem a nice guy Jared, how did you get lost in all the madness?”

 

Jared huffed beneath his breath taking a small sip of strong, sweet liquor from his glass. “I suppose I wanted to be recognised too much. It seems stupid looking back. I got the recognition but not for the reasons I wanted.”

 

Kane nodded. “We all do things we don’t want to.”

 

“Like work for Jensen?” Jared asked.

 

“Yeah, that to.” Kane knocked his glass to Jared’s. “Can’t argue with that.”

 

“He would…. I mean Jensen… he would still pay for Steve’s treatment even if you weren’t around.”

 

Chris glanced at Jared. “True. Look Jared why I stay isn’t really the point. I do so because I have my reasons. This is about you not me. What do you want?”

 

Jared took a deep swallow and pulled a face. “Isn’t it obvious?” Shit, he was so pathetic. He was acting like an adolescent boy with a crush on his idol. He had broken his deal with Mike for Jensen already why still dance around the issue? 

 

Chris gave him the answer he’d been holding back. “You want Jensen without having to make more compromises or sacrifices. Well bad luck. Get over it Jared life doesn’t work like that. You think Jensen will think less of you if you don’t have the nice apartment or flashy car?”

 

Jared squirmed in his seat. Christian Kane was way too good at this analysing stuff. He didn’t want to be a kept toy, and he didn’t want to be put in a position where he might, by accident, ruin Jensen’s career or public image.

 

“Trust him for a change.” Chris said finishing his shot. “He might be new to this idea of a relationship, but Jensen’s negotiated the pitfalls of Hollywood far longer than you have.”

 

Jared knew this was true, but like the peeling lacquer on the bar top it was easy to be fooled by a surface image and not see the rot which lay beneath. He pushed his thumb under the loose paint chip, prying it free of the solid surface. It came away easily, crumbling to dust as he rubbed it between his fingers.

 

“Hey.” Chris startled Jared by covering his fingers with a warm hand. “Some times you have to believe that the inside is just as good, if not better. Take a chance Jared, if only once.”

 

They sat that way for some time, Chris holding fast to Jared’s hand. The under currents of Bolivia rippling between them, and Jared heard his breath hitch. Chris hadn’t meant to, but he had inadvertently reopened an avenue of exploration that wasn’t really on the table. 

 

This was something neither of them had spoken of, but their previous actions had left neither man in any doubt that what they had done, didn’t have to be so accidental. If Jared hadn’t lost his heart to Jensen, and if Chris wasn’t so determined to remain closed off until the bitter end, they could have taken the opportunity presented to them.

 

“Chris….I’m sorry...” Jared started to break their no speaking rule.

 

“Don’t. Jared just don’t, okay?” Chris’ bright blue eyes spoke volumes.

 

Jared nodded. “I think we had better leave.”

 

“Yeah, I think so too.”

 

Hastily they made their escape; Chris nodding his thanks as he threw a few dollars on the counter.

 

Strangely, as they clambered back into Kane’s truck the atmosphere didn’t feel awkward or unbearable. It remained steady, on an even keel. Jared’s mind drifted as he watched the streets flash by in a haze of afternoon sunshine. He had no clue where Chris was taking them, but he didn’t want to ask. He was learning. There were some things best left unsaid. One wrong word of gesture could easily throw you into a dark maze of complex puzzles that could turn life completely upside down. 

 

While he was brooding, Jared had failed to see which direction they were driving, but as they passed the Staples Center he turned in his seat. “Where are we going? I thought we were going back?”

 

“Change of plan,” Chris flashed a smile. “We’re gonna go get you a real answer.”

 

“What?”

 

Jared’s heart was racing. Where the hell was Kane taking them? More to the point, how was Jared going to get any answers if not from Chris then…..NO! Holy Shit! 

 

“Please tell me we’re not gate crashing Jensen’s engagement?” Jared’s voice wavered.

 

Chris shook his head. “Nope. No need. See, I’m kinda invited seeing as I’m Jensen’s bodyguard.”

 

“You might be, but he isn’t expecting me to turn up! Fuck it Chris, we’re not even dressed for this.” Jared gestured to his denim jeans and worn top.

 

But it was too late as the truck was already pulling into the driveway of an impressive hotel in the heart of downtown. “Seriously Chris, I can’t go in there.”

 

Chris flashed him one of his best blue eyed smiles as he climbed out and tossed his keys to a waiting valet. “Come on.” He opened Jared’s door. “Out! You’re not sitting here all night.” And Kane dragged Jared out by his shirt. “Look I agreed with you when you left Bolivia, but you know what? Scrap what I told you. Leaving Jensen was looked like the best thing you could have done, but I may have been wrong.”

 

“You may have been…? Jared pulled back refusing to let Chris tow him into the lobby. “Chris stop! Stop it. This is just….no. No way. I can’t. I’m not going in there to out Jensen to the goddamned world! He doesn’t want that and I’m not going to be responsible.”

 

Chris grabbed Jared’s arms and shook him, ignoring the worried frowns of the hotel porters. “I told you to keep well away from Jensen because he’s always put his career before anybody else, but you can’t move on because you’re in love with him. I thought Jensen was crazy when he told me about you, I didn’t understand why he would risk everything to get you in the sack. I guess I underestimated what he felt for you.”

 

Jared froze his voice cracking. “You don’t know that for sure, and me walking in on Jensen’s party isn’t going to prove anything.”

 

“Trust me Jared, I’m not going to cause a scene or do anything that will publicly compromise Jensen.” Chris sounded so sincere. Could Jared trust him? 

 

“Okay,” Jared nodded. “I’ll let you play this one out.”

 

It was like being on El Camino de la Muerte as they entered the hotel, Jared’s life in Chris’ hands. And in the same way that spectacular surrounding had left him speechless so did the interior of the hotel Jared was now stood in. 

 

It was a masterpiece of classical elegance, with cool Italian themed marble floors and columned halls. Jared could feel the weight of its history seeping into him. This was grandeur on a level he had experienced on his few trips to Europe. 

 

“Did Jensen pick this place?” Jared asked his eyes tracing the fine ornate detail of the cornice.

 

Chris shrugged, “He likes nice things.”

 

This was more than liking nice things. This was about recognising beauty and wanting to be dazzled by it. It was being captivated by a moment and wanting to immerse your self in the atmosphere it created. As a photographer Jared could understand it, and his heart lifted at the thought that Jensen was able to appreciate everything that he did too.

 

Jared followed Chris into the heart of the hotel passing residents too busy to give any notice as to who they were. But at the entrance to what was obviously a bar, Chris stopped him and directed Jared towards a men’s room. 

 

“Wait in here.” Chris ushered him inside, hastily scanning the room for other occupants.

 

It was as lavish as the rest of the hotel but, “Seriously? A men’s room?”

 

“It’s not like we have a lot of options Princess.” Chris finished checking out the stalls.

 

Jared glared, “Don’t call me that.”

 

“I’ll go collect Jensen, you do not move.”

 

“What if someone else….” Jared’s words fell on deaf ears as Chris was already out the door before he could finish, “comes in.”

 

It was a long wait of almost 30 minutes, which when Chris returned with Jensen, was partially explained by the fact he was wearing a tux. Jensen who had followed Chris gaped at Jared in astonishment.

 

“Jared?”

 

Jared rolled his eyes at Chris, “You didn’t tell him, did you?”

 

Chris held his hands up and backed away. “I’ll leave you to it.”

 

Jensen watched Chris retreat, calling after him, “At least make sure you keep anyone fucking out of here!”

 

Jared couldn’t fail to notice the angry frown on Jensen’s face, the nervous twitch around his mouth. “Look this wasn’t my idea. I didn’t plan this.”

 

Jensen moved past Jared to the sink and washed his hands. “You never seem to plan anything.”

 

Jared reached across and turned of the running tap. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

For a moment Jensen didn’t answer him, just stared at Jared’s hand on the golden faucet. “You haphazardly career through life without any kind of clue don’t you? You’re totally oblivious to the carnage you create.”

 

“Me?” Jared’s voice went up an octave, as Jensen turned his back on him to wipe his hands on a white fluffy towel. “What did I do?”

 

Rubbing the remaining moisture from his hands Jensen regarded Jared coldly. “You ran out on me for a start.”

 

“Ran out on you? You just wanted a hot body to fuck, I could have been anybody!” Jared shouted forgetting that he was in a hotel restroom.

 

“Keep your voice down,” Jensen hissed, closing in on him. “You know what its like to be a celebrity, hell you’ve fucked enough of them! How was I supposed to know….” Jensen’s mouth snapped shut and he looked down at his feet. For the first time since he had entered the men’s room he didn’t appear in complete control.

 

Jared tilted his head curiously. “Know what? That I genuinely liked you? Come off it Jensen I told you.”

 

Jensen didn’t answer. His stance was stiff and defensive almost as if….. Jared blinked, “You didn’t believe me?”

 

Jensen raised his head, allowing Jared the opportunity to catch the emotions shifting in his troubled eyes. “I’ve had so many people say the same thing Jared, and they never meant a single word. What would make me believe you were truly any different? I don’t have the luxury of hope in my career. Happy ever after is a fairy tale, and let’s face it your reputation is somewhat tarnished.”

 

Jared caught his breath; hand catching Jensen’s arm he felt the muscles tense beneath his touch. “I know I’ve done some bad things. I know that. I just wanted an opportunity to be recognised as an artist. I took what I could, and I’m sorry that it’s resulted in so many people getting hurt.”

 

Jensen winced as Jared squeezed his arm for emphasis, but he didn’t make an effort to break free. “Well, you got your fame. I can’t deny you that. You’ve won accolades and awards for all your hard work.” Jensen’s words were bitter.

 

“Yeah, okay I deserved that. But you’re no Saint either Jensen. I know all about Mike Rosenbaum and the accident.” 

 

Jensen’s face paled instantly. Shock and disappointment flashing across his face, as with one quick move he snatched free of Jared’s grasp. He looked liked the proverbial scared rabbit, but instead of fleeing as Jared expected, he leaned despondently over one of the porcelain hand basins. “The accident wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t driving.”

 

“You covered over a serious accident. You buried it under a mine of legal red tape and lawsuits to save your own reputation! You threatened to ruin Mike if he revealed the truth.” Jared retaliated. “That sounds pretty guilty to me.”

 

With his hands grasping either side of the basin Jensen shook his head. “I was young. I didn’t know how to cope. Have you never done anything that you’re really ashamed of? Fuck!” he slammed his right fist against the mirror, cracking the glass into splintered shards. “It almost ruined me. I didn’t work for the next five years! I couldn’t get my head around what I was involved with. Did you know I still visit Steve?” He looked at Jared’s reflection, his image multiplied in the splintered panes. “Before the accident we had never met, and yet every year on the anniversary of the accident I go and visit him and I apologise for what happened to him. Did you know that Jared? Do you even fucking care?”

 

Jared didn’t know. Truthfully, he doubted even Chris Kane knew, because the bodyguard found it too painful to visit his broken lover. Feeling an emotion he couldn’t begin to describe Jared came up behind Jensen and placed a comforting hand on his back. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

 

“You weren’t supposed to,” Jensen whispered quietly, rubbing the skin of his sore knuckles that although bright red remained miraculously undamaged.

 

They stood that way for several minutes, lost amid their accusations, adrift on the memories of the things they’d done.

 

“Jared,” Jensen asked his voice low. “Why are you here?”

 

Jared startled out of his reverie. It would be so simple to take the easy route out and say because Chris had brought him here. Despite all the obstacles and the lies and deceptions, Jared didn’t want easy. He still wanted Jensen.

 

“You,” Jared replied confidently. “I’m here because I’m sorry I left things like I did in Bolivia. I’m here because I don’t believe we can’t have more than a casual fling. I’m here because…..”

 

“Because?” Jensen turned around and held the hand that had been against his chest when Jared fell silent.

 

Jared glanced at their entwined fingers and took the plunge. “Because I know that I’m in love with you.”

 

Jensen snatched his hand away as if scalded. Any words that were on his lips fell in silent exclamation.

 

Jared tried to hold onto him as Jensen took a step towards the stalls. “You didn’t guess that’s what I was going to say?”

 

Jensen’s face clearly showed Jared that no actually he hadn’t. “I thought you were going to ask me not to get married.” Jensen said trying to keep Jared at a safe distance as he re-scrambled his thoughts.

 

“I was going to say that as well,” Jared added feeling frustrated by Jensen’s dance around the men’s room. 

 

Jensen stopped mid step and whirled on Jared inexplicably irate. “You don’t get to say you fucking love me!” he spat.

 

“Why the hell not?” Jared shouted back.

 

Jensen threw his hands up. “Getting married here Jared. What are you going to be my bit on the side?”

 

Hurt and angry Jared slammed his fists into Jensen’s chest shoving him back into an open stall. “Yeah, I suppose I am, because I don’t know how to let you go and it’s killing me!”

 

Stumbling, Jensen fell sideways only to be caught by Jared’s hands; hands that were clenching tightly at his tux. And Jared using his added height and weight to his advantage pressed down through Jensen’s clothes and onto skin; making all of Jensen’s common sense burn away in a blinding moment of frenzied madness. Without warning Jensen took hold of Jared’s head and pulled him down to lay a sloppy kiss across his mouth. It may have been a complete shock but Jared acted on instinct as he returned the kiss with fervour. 

 

Jared ached, he wanted Jensen so badly. It didn’t matter they were in a men’s room stall. Inhaling the spicy scent of Jensen’s aftershave, Jared went for broke; hands pulling at Jensen’s tux, and tearing at his waistcoat, ripping away at his pants zipper. And all the while Jared claimed Jensen as his own the actor returned Jared’s passion by tugging at the button fly of Jared’s jeans. There was nothing tender or loving in what they did. This was about lust, the overwhelming need to feel and let their desire take control. Where Jared had dreamt of bedding Jensen and taking his time to languorously find out what made the movie star moan with pleasure, this coupling was about the desperate touch of clammy hands on hard flesh. It was dirty and it was hot and over quickly. With Jared pulling Jensen free of his tux, kissing him breathless as he jerked him off; his actions less than smooth as Jared fell apart under Jensen’s rough hands, grinding against his leg to find sufficient friction. The sound of their harsh breathing accompanied by the slick wet sound of skin and the throaty shout of completion as they both came.

 

“Fuck,” Jensen gasped as his head collapsed against Jared’s shoulder.

 

Jared laughed feeling somewhat carefree. “Later maybe.”

 

Jensen snorted. “Book a room, we’ll see.”

 

Before Jared could respond the door swung open and Chris Kane popped his head inside, quickly taking in the shattered mirror and their flushed and sweaty faces.

 

“Classy,” he retorted. “Look guys I can’t keep people out for much longer, you’d better get yourselves tidied up. If that’s possible of course.” His eyebrows raised at their semen covered hands and clothes.

 

“Shit!” Jensen swore. “I’m gonna need a clean suit. Think you can keep things in order while I go change?”

 

Chris nodded and disappeared from sight.

 

“You’re going back to the party?” Jared asked surprised. “I thought….”

 

Jensen looked half annoyed and half amused. “Jared, I can’t just dump my guests after I’ve announced I’m engaged. Plus there is Danneel to think about.”

 

Danneel Harris the intended bride, Jared had forgotten about her.

 

“So, what then?” Jared asked hoping that he wasn’t going to get brushed off again.

 

“We need to talk obviously. Look Jared, go back to your hotel and I’ll come and see you in the morning.”

 

“Okay. Wait. No. You can’t!” Shit how could he have forgotten.

 

Jensen half way through zipping up his pants stared at Jared with narrowed eyes. “Why not?”

 

“I’m being watched.”

 

Jensen finished fixing his tux as best he could, ineffectively rubbing at the stains from their encounter. “Watched? Who by?”

 

Jared washed his hands and sighed. “Mike’s set the paparazzi on me because I ditched his ass.”

 

Jensen’s eyebrows shot up. “You did what?”

 

Jared shuffled his feet while awkwardly fixing his jeans. “I wouldn’t give him any dirt on you so I quit,” he said quietly. 

 

Jensen, suddenly, planted a kiss on Jared’s lips. 

 

Jared gasped. “What was that for?”

 

“Being stupid. Being Brave,” he chuckled. “Or more likely reckless.” Jensen smiled hands loitering on Jared’s shoulders. “I know what kind of man Mike Rosenbaum’s become, and I’m a major part of why he’s turned into such a jerk. But Jared, he’s a powerful jerk. I can’t protect you. No one can. He’s going to come after you until he gets something he can print.”

 

Jared had known this the minute he’d left Mike’s apartment. Knowing and believing and understanding the consequences of actions were all different things entirely. “I’ve screwed everything up, haven’t I?”

 

Jensen hesitated but the look in his eyes gave the game away.

 

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” Jared swore repeatedly wrenching away from Jensen’s hands. One minute he was on the edge of ecstasy and the next he stood to loose it all.

 

“Jay, calm down. Look I can’t talk now I need to change, but I promise you tomorrow I will get Chris to fix things so we can talk.” Jensen grabbed hold of Jared, pulling the larger man back against his body; fingers smoothing through Jared’s hair, rubbing tension from his shoulders.

 

Jared let himself go melting into Jensen’s solid frame, relishing the chance to relax and for someone else to take the pressure, barely registering that they were still in a public restroom. 

 

Jensen kissed his neck causing Jared to sigh softly. This was what he had wanted all along, this sense of safety and belonging. The feeling of floating away from the misery of his life and into the arms of someone that he loved. Every photograph he had ever taken had been about capturing the perfect moment. It had taken Jared to far off exotic places, seen him witness the splendour of rich palaces and landscapes that had brought him close to tears. But this, a simple but honest embrace in a hotel restroom, this was the moment of his life. In that second he had both the beauty he longed to capture and the love he yearned to be with.

 

“You’re perfect, you know that right?” Jared smiled his eyes closed as he covered the hand Jensen rested on his shoulder with his own.

 

Jensen snorted, “Yeah, right! That’s why you dumped my ass in Bolivia!”

 

Jared turned around to face Jensen. “It’s going to be impossible to explain, but I didn’t realise until I spilt with Mike just how bad the implications of living in the spotlight might mean. I’m not a fool Jensen but my job is a world away from yours.”

 

“And on that romantic notion could I please get Jensen back to his party?” Kane’s voice interrupted before Jensen could reply.

 

Jared grinned and kissed the tip of Jensen’s nose. “The rest can maybe wait.”

 

Jensen giggled; the first genuine heartfelt laugh he’d made since their adventure in the Raffles L’Ermitage. “Okay, I’m going to get changed. I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said pointedly to Jared.

 

As Jensen disappeared through the exit Kane edged over to the sinks. “Only you Padalecki could have sex with a movie star in a restroom,” he said dryly, tugging at his bow tie.

 

Obviously not accustomed or comfortable wearing a dinner suit, Jared went over to help him straighten up his tie only to have Kane smack his hands away. 

 

“Now what?” Jared asked confused.

 

“Wash your hands boy! I know exactly where they’ve been!”

 

Jared flushed and meekly obeyed. “I’m not sure I agree with your terminology of ‘a quiet drink’.” Looking into the shattered mirror he could see Chris continue to fidget with his clothes and he smiled.

 

“Quit grinning at me Padalecki. You think you had problems before well they just got even bigger!”

 

Jared tried to look contrite but failed miserably. He had Jensen and Jensen wanted him. But Christian Kane didn’t give one iota about happiness. He had a job to do and now that job had just expanded to include Jared. “He’s so giving me a pay rise for this!” Chris grumbled shoving his hands into his pockets so he couldn’t continue to ruin the bow tie. “We weren’t followed anywhere today, but that’s not gonna last when Collins dumps his gossip on Mike.”

 

Jared finished washing his hands and lounged back against the basins. “So what can I do?”

 

Chris glowered darkly. “We wait and talk to Jensen, but I have a feeling neither of us is going to like the most obvious course of action. But before that I need to get you back to your hotel, and then think of some plausible explanation as to why that mirror got broken.”

 

Jared gave the shattered mirror a guilty glance. It wouldn’t help him to add that things had gotten a little heated. Chris had already witnesses enough of their antics to know that was true. Trooping slowly after him Jared sidled from the men’s room and out into a waiting cab.


	15. Chapter 15

'How do you give me so much pleasure and cause me so much pain'

Alicia Keyes - Fallin

 

Chapter 15

 

Christian Kane’s prediction that Jared wasn’t going to be impressed with Jensen’s scheme to hide their budding relationship one iota quickly came true. Yet, ironically, it was made worse by the fact it carried all of the bodyguards support.

 

“It makes sense Jared.” Kane had argued with not one ounce of reluctance in his voice. “Rosenbaum already has that damned photograph of me and by all accounts he’s made some loose accusations that we’ve fucked. Collins has also seen us together. I’m the perfect cover up.”

 

Jared had listened in stony silence; glaring at Jensen with a mixture of disbelief and frustration. Sure there was a sort of evidence trail but the implications? Oh, no. This was all bad, bad , bad.

 

“Jay, if you really don’t like this we’ll think of something else, but honestly Chris is right. You guys having ‘a relationship,’ he wriggled his fingers around the words, “would give us a valid reason to spend time each others company.” Jensen added calmly.

 

Too calmly for Jared’s liking. 

 

But then it wasn’t Jensen who had the guilty conscience.

 

Oh, and didn’t that trigger a whole host of other questions in Jared’s head. Should he feel guilty for one kiss and a bunch of half formed thoughts? Was he being overly sensitive?

 

Of course it was a sensible solution. 

 

Yes, using Kane as bait made perfect sense, in the way all bad ideas do. 

 

And while Jared didn’t have to like it, for the sake of Jensen’s career it had to be done. Jared would pretend he was involved with Chris and all their secrets would be safe. 

 

Jared, hopelessly in love with his movie star, had been persuaded by the earnest look in Jensen’s eyes. When in reality he should have been more wary of the relationship he would build with Chris. Once more, Jensen was pulling all the strings and hiding behind the careful smiles of his guilt ridden bodyguard and his besotted photographer.

 

All of this subterfuge and yet the ultimate question remained - would Mike buy it? 

 

Where there was slender hope there was always a chance.

 

Jared’s main concern, outside of Kane, was with Misha Collins. The guy had poor judgement in friends and he was sure to relay to Mike just how badly Jared had lost it when he’d heard of Jensen’s engagement. 

 

True, Kane had also been there, and while his presence might convince Collins, in his heart Jared knew Mike Rosenbaum’s sly brain wouldn’t buy it. 

 

What could be slipped past the camera lenses of scores of paparazzi wouldn’t get past Mike’s eagle sharp eyes. And perhaps more scarily was the unanswered fears that Jared buried: namely - what else would his former Editor pick up on?

 

With no other good solutions there was no choice but to run with the plan they had; rolling out their game of cat and mouse the very next evening. 

 

Jared and Chris would have a formal dinner in Jensen’s hotel; invited along with a few of Jensen’s friends and his intended bride Danneel Harris. 

 

“This isn’t going to work,” Jared protested. “How long does Jensen think he can string out this engagement of his? Seriously is it fair on Danneel?” he demanded, feeling the pressure of the impending, anxiety inducing dinner.

 

Kane, who had arrived to pick Jared up only to find him pacing in his boxer shorts and fretting over what to wear, sighed heavily. “You wanted Jensen remember,” he said lightly. Holding out a smart blue suit, and indicating that unless Jared shook his ass into action they were going to be late.

 

Jared scowled as he shrugged on pants and a warm cream shirt, snapping his violet silk tie into place. “Fine, I asked for it, but….”

 

“No ‘buts,’ Padalecki.” Chris interrupted looking grim. “You two want to be together then this is how it works. I’m sure Jensen will deal with Danneel when he’s good and ready. He can’t break up with her at the same time you rear your ugly head on the scene. That’s an open invitation to have his name splashed across the mornings press. ”

 

Knowing Chris was right was beyond irritating, but Jared had to focus on the fact he had been so desperate for this. Desperate enough he chided himself, to risk having sex with Jensen in a public restroom. If he was honest it was probable ‘that’ encounter was the only one they were likely to have for the next few days. Rumors regarding Jensen and Danneel’s engagement were starting to hit the internet, and before long they would be forced into making a public statement. When that happened Jensen would be well off limits until the press got bored with snapping ‘the happy couple’. Of course on the flipside the news hungry journalists would be looking for signs of stress and fractures in the relationship. It was a vicious circle.

 

“Okay ready,” Jared huffed and moved to Chris’ side, indicating he should open the door.

 

Chris simply looked him up and down. “You don’t scrub up that bad after all,” he mused, knowing it would wind Jared up.

 

It worked. Jared glared and cuffed his arm. “Oh, bite me.”

 

“Now? I thought you’d want me save that sort of thing for when we have an audience.”

 

Jared muttered a prayer beneath his breath. “So help me I will kill you. Are we going before I change my mind?”

 

Chris shrugged and held open the door. “After you - princess.”

 

Cursing all the way down in the elevator Jared was glad when they made it to the waiting limo unscathed. But as they set off Kane’s face was fixed in a resigned grimace as he turned towards Jared.

 

“We’ve picked up our first snake,” he muttered.

 

Jared glanced over his shoulder through the blacked out window. A dark sedan followed at a less than discreet distance. “Obvious much!” he snorted.

 

Chris watched him curiously. 

 

“What?” Jared asked noticing Chris’ stare.

 

“Just realised this is what you do/did for a living. It must be weird having the boot on the other foot. You reduced to being the hunted instead of the hunter.”

 

Jared shrugged. “I guess. It’s all a bit new. Anyway it’s not my job now.”

 

Chris mused over Jared’s comment as they were driven to Jensen’s hotel; his face a mixture of sadness and doubt. 

 

“Okay spit it out,” Jared demanded. “Something nasty is brewing in that head of yours.”

 

Chris sighed and slid his arm across he back seat so he could study Jared more closely. “I don’t know how much money you’ve made Jared, but I’m guessing not nearly enough to kick back and just do nothing. That life style of yours had to cost a bit.”

 

Jared squirmed uncomfortable. Damn Kane and his to close to the mark observations. “What’s your point?”

 

“Jensen’s not going to be able to publicly finance any projects that throw work your way very often, and Mike’s gonna make it really difficult for you to pick up serious work.”

 

“I’ve not burned all my bridges Chris. I do have contacts of my own; people that will give me a job.”

 

“And what will they want in return Jared?” Chris asked directly. “You think they’ll do anything out of the kindness of their heart? They always got something from you in the past. Do you honestly think that will change?”

 

The temperature in the car rose a few notches as Jared stared blankly out of the window. This was the side of Jared’s work that so far all of them had ignored. The seedy and rumor filled portion of just how Jared had been so successful. Chris’ unspoken question was clear: was Jared still going to fuck around to pick up work and gossip.

 

For Jared in the flush of romance it was an easy answer.

 

“I’ll never betray Jensen. He’s it for me,” he said firmly.

 

Chris wisely didn’t answer back.

 

****

 

Present Day

 

Jared’s had that promise of his boiling his insides for days. 

 

“I’ll never betray Jensen. I’ll never betray Jensen.” A looping replay of a promise he so easily broke.

 

The stars are bright tonight and as the rain beats down they look like they’re crying with him. Jared chokes because it’s a silly notion. Who in their right mind would cry for him?

 

“I didn’t have a choice,” he whispers to them, but they blink back at him unmoved. “I didn’t have a choice!” he repeats screaming until his voice his hoarse. Hurt and broken he knows deep down there are always choices.

 

****

 

11 months ago – Dinner at the Millenium Biltmore, Downtown LA 

 

Jared and Chris’ limousine pulled up to a scuffle of baying photographers at the hotel entrance. 

 

Chris swore. “Fuck! You would have thought hotel security would have moved them on.”

 

Jared leaning over to see how many people where waiting for them, sighed. There were at least four photographers. Colleagues that he’d known well while he had worked the circuit and a couple of journalists he knew by sight. “Shit.” 

 

It shouldn’t have been a surprise to either man that the press were milling around. Jensen Ackles announcing his engagement was big news and the scoop for this one would have a price tag on it in the thousands. Maybe it wouldn’t have been if they weren’t pretending to hide so much.

 

“Come on,” Chris ordered stony face. “Let’s go and face the music.”

 

As Chris climbed out of the car the photographers took aim. To them it made sense: where the bodyguard was then Jensen probably wasn’t far behind. But as Jared stepped from the limo he didn’t expect the silence that followed. All noise ceased as the pack halted in their tracks and looked curiously at Jared and then back to Chris. Some of their faces puzzled as they tried to calculate what was going on.

 

One brave and reckless photographer Jared knew was on Mike’s payroll smirked and winked at him. “Padalecki! I didn’t believe it when Mike told me but fuck if he wasn’t telling the truth!” Quick as a flash he snapped a photograph of Jared. “Come on then tell us - you doing it with the bodyguard?”

 

Jared automatically reached for Chris’ arm as he saw how he tensed; jaw twitching and lips pursed. “Leave it, Chris. Come on let’s go get a drink,” Jared added quietly, pushing past flashing cameras as he pulled Chris towards the doors.

 

“Awww come on Padalecki! You know how this works. Give us a picture of the two of you.” The nearest photographer, who Jared recognised as a guy he had worked with recently, prompted the others into action; the scent of a story hanging heavy in the air.

 

Jared shook his head. “Fuck off the lot of you!”

 

But the pack closed in around them, preventing hotel security from whisking Jared and Chris inside the safety of the hotels walls.

 

“Jared, what’s it like being on the other side of the fence?”

“Is this your plan to work your way onto Jensen?”

“You’ve fucked almost everyone in Hollywood aren’t you slumming it with just a bodyguard?”

“Chris, what does Jensen think of you shacking up with a well known member of the paparazzi?

Does Jared’s reputation bother you?

Are you worried Jared will blow you off for someone more famous? 

 

The questions were endless and fired at them non stop. Jared felt a little nauseous and dizzy. Was this what it really felt like to be Jensen? To be hounded day and night for being less than perfect? He shivered as he realised how intrusive those questions sounded. Questions, that once, he had been so used to asking.

 

But once again Chris came to Jared’s rescue. Prying Jared’s nerveless fingers from his jacket and holding them within his own. He tugged gently, pulling Jared forwards; and into the safety of the hotel lobby.

 

Jensen was waiting for them at the far end of the corridor, out of sight and pacing anxiously fiddling with the gold cufflinks on his shirt. “Are you okay?” He looked at Jared and then Chris.

 

Chris nodded, scowling back towards the doors. “Your impending engagement brought a few of the hacks out. There were a few awkward moments.”

 

Jensen frowned as Jared remained silent.

 

“Jay?” Jensen queried.

 

Jared, breathings shallow, from shock or his own disturbed thoughts nodded slowly. “Yeah, I’m fine. I…I’ve never been on this side of a lens before. It takes a bit of getting used to.”

 

Chris didn’t comment but his thoughts were clearly defined on his face, and they said ‘suck it up and take a taste of your own medicine’.

 

Jensen smiled. It was so familiar. It was the easy smile that Jared had seen on a hundred magazines. Jensen had switched into automatic. Using the experience he had gained from a life time spent in front of the camera. 

 

“Don’t do that,” Jared shook his head. “Not with me Jensen. I ‘know’ you,” he stressed. “Do we really need to pretend that much when we’re not in public?”

 

Jensen regarded Jared wistfully. Perhaps even a little amazed at his naivety. After working for Mike Rosenbaum it was a wonder there was anything innocent left in Jared, but he’d held on tight to the slim chance of hope that, eventually, he could come back to his old life. And it was that hope that allowed Jared to see the beautiful things in life. It was what had turned him an amazing photographer, and it was hope that had led him to Jensen in the first place. 

 

Pushing aside the fear that he could be probably be partially seen by the staff on the reception desk Jensen held a palm to Jared’s cheek. “In the States you are rarely truly alone, and I’m sorry but the act has to stay in place. But if it means anything Jared you are one in a million. No one that’s seen and done the things you have should have any shred of decency left but somehow you have.”

 

Jared blushed, and oh, my God he hadn’t done that for years. Jensen had the capacity to turn him into a love sick boy.

 

“Ladies, when you’ve finished with the hearts and flowers romantic shit could you please get your heads around why we’re here!” Kane’s tetchy voice broke the moment.

 

Jared took a deep breath. There was no way back. For his future with Jensen the show had to go on. “So, who is here tonight? What am I supposed to do?”

And yeah, he felt as nervous as hell.

 

“You are here for me,” Jensen said proudly. “But for the people at the dinner table, you’re here as Chris’ new boyfriend. If any one asks he is the reason for your split with Mike, as there would be a conflict of interest with me as Chris’ employer. We’re meeting an old friend of mine, Tom Welling who is directing my new movie. Danneel and few of the money people who are backing the film will also be here.”

 

“Does Danneel know the score?” This came from Chris who looked less than happy with the arrangement. Why? Jared wasn’t sure. The bodyguard had always aided Jensen’s liaisons before, but this time something was definitely off.

 

Jensen stared at his shoes. Jared’s heart sank. 

 

Danneel didn’t have a clue.

 

“Just what is your ‘relationship’ with Danneel?” Jared couldn’t stop himself from asking. He only knew of the actress by name, never having crossed paths with her before. She had been off Mike’s radar, at least until now. Looking at how evasive Jensen was being Jared had a feeling he wasn’t going to be too impressed with the answer.

 

“She’s a friend,” Jensen said, not looking Jared in the eye.

 

“Ok..ay and just what sort of ‘friend?’ And don’t be a smart ass and say a good one.” 

 

There was a split second pause, which was sufficient in Jared’s eyes to provide him with the answer. “You’re sleeping with her?” he asked aghast. “Seriously?”

 

Kane swore. “Fuck this shit! Jensen, why do you always have to do this?”

 

Jared eyebrows shot up. Always have to do this? Crap. How much of his new ‘boyfriend’ was there still to discover? How deep did Jensen’s secrets go? It seemed Kane knew them all.

 

“You’re asking me to defend myself? Damn it Chris, you know why?” Jensen whispered angrily, projecting his displeasure at being grilled by Kane in his gestures.

 

“Hey! I don’t know!” Jared’s voice carried to the desk causing a few heads to turn their way; an older couple with matching Louis Vitton luggage muttering at the commotion. Lowering his voice slightly, Jared snapped at Jensen. “I thought we were giving ‘us’ a chance? Since when does ‘us’ include the woman you’re apparently fucking?”

 

It wasn’t the place to be having this discussion, but Jared had been through the emotional wringer and ridden the worst mental rollercoaster of his life in the last month. Mike Rosenbaum was a sleaze bag. He hadn’t expected Jensen to be as bad too. Sure, signing on to continue their relationship in secret was one thing, but allowing Jensen to flagrantly sleep with some one else to aid in the cover up was quite different.

 

“You’ll like Danneel.” Jensen replied stiffly, his voice cracking slightly.

 

It was hardly the ringing endorsement Jared wanted to hear, but it was all that he was left with as Jensen turned tail and marched into the dining room.

 

****

Dinner was awkward despite Jensen’s reassurances.

 

Jared was in awe of Danneel’s beauty. How would Jensen ever have the heart to turn her down? Immaculately groomed she exuded everything that was charming and lovely, painting effortlessly over the cracks of an industry that thrived on being shallow. She patted her fiancé’s arm possessively, and sat together they looked the picture perfect image of true love.

 

Yet Jared could not fail to see the flints of ice buried within her eyes. Danneel it seemed was quite aware of her beloved’s attraction to other men: fixing Jared and Chris with a haughty glare from beneath long dark lashes. If she could have turned Jared into stone there was little doubt she would have.

 

Even worse, Tom Welling also seemed suspicious. Jared, naturally, had met Welling before. As a reasonable Director he had been an obvious victim on Jared’s ‘to do’ list, but somehow he had never gotten around to him. Tom, however, was making it very clear by the way his eyes hungrily travelled over Jensen, that he knew every inch of movie star’s body. It was a deliberate taunt to Jared – I’ve had him. I’ve tasted every inch of him. 

 

The grim look on Kane’s face confirmed Jared’s fears. The Director responsible for Jensen’s new movie was one of his numerous ex lovers. It would seem that Jensen hadn’t exclusively stuck to great unknowns in his bid for sexual liberation.

 

As the conversation dried up Jensen coughed awkwardly. 

 

Jared scowled and bit his lip to keep what he wanted to say from spurting out. Good one Jensen. Real classy move. 

 

“So, Jared how long have you and Chris been together?” Tom asked, well aware he was being closely watched by both Jensen and Chris.

 

Jared, somewhat startled, had to think fast on his feet. “Almost a year.”

 

Which wasn’t a total lie. He and Chris had met when Jared had gone to the rented NY apartment near Central Park.

 

Tom whistled softly. His long fingers tapping the side of an ornately carved wine glass. “Wow! That long I didn’t realise.”

 

Kane didn’t speak but he did break out a rather sugar sweet smile, placing his hand over the top of Jared’s in comforting solidarity.

 

Tom wasn’t about to take such obvious bait and barely blinked. “I hear you went to Bolivia with Jensen. How did that work out for you Jared?” 

 

It was a question loaded with suspicion and accusation. Tom had so obviously been invited on one of Jensen’s excursions south. For a moment Jared froze, and his eyes locked onto Jensen who sat stiff backed and stonily silent; a living statue that radiated a brewing storm.

 

With the air alive with tension it was impossible to change the subject, and unconsciously, Jensen sucked in a small breath, which instantly caused Danneel’s eyes to narrow.

 

As Jensen shut down, Kane’s face went blank in that cold way he had. “Jared was the photographer for the whole shoot so he was busy most of the time.”

 

Tom pulled a face. “Bad luck, La Paz is such a pretty place.” 

 

There wasn’t anything in that comment to take offence with, but the innocence of the question didn’t match the stare of hungry expectation on Tom’s face. Sadly, for Jensen, it also didn’t stop Tom for sticking in an extra jibe. 

 

“Still, I expect you at least got to go to that restaurant…hmmm, now what was it called?” Tom looked expectantly at Jensen. “Can you remember the name?”

 

This was turning into the worst nightmare Jared had ever had. Re-enforcing all the conclusions he’d also made about the South American hideaway that Jensen used. Tom Welling had without a shadow of doubt been one of those ‘fucks’ Jensen had invited along. Now obviously bitter at being kicked out of Jensen’s bed he was making some sort of point. He was also quiet happy at using Jared to make it.

 

Jensen as ever the consummate actor rolled with the punches. “Angelo Colonial,” he replied flatly. 

 

Tom sipped his wine and smiled. “Of course how could I forget? They do serve some amazing dishes, and the gardens,” he flashed a sly smile at Jensen, “are absolutely gorgeous.”

 

Jared returned Tom’s smile. “Seems I missed out,” he replied before taking a drink of his own champagne.

 

Beside him Kane’s body tensed and Jared squeezed his arm in reassurance. There would be no point in engaging in a fist fight if Welling wanted to air his jealousy in front of Danneel. He gave the bodyguard a tight smile that said, ‘let this prick have his brief moment it doesn’t bother me’. 

 

Tom apparently wasn’t going to let the conversation rest there. He knew Jensen and his devious methods of distraction all too well. “You don’t strike me as the type of man that misses out on anything Jared. I know a number of my colleagues can vouch for that.”

 

It was a deliberate barb that everyone around the table understood. The two studio exec’s who held the purse strings to Jensen’s new movie looking judgementally at Jared.

 

Jared took another slow drink, eyes watching Tom from above the rim. “Yeah, well I suppose I would have made it around to you if I had stayed in the business, but your friends implied that you didn’t have anything I wanted.”

 

It was a simple comment that could have been taken in a number of ways, but it boiled down to one thing. Tom Welling had neither the lifestyle, money, notoriety or big cock that had been requisite items on Jared’s shopping list.

 

Tom’s face set in angry lines. “You low life piece of shit!” He threw his napkin on the table.

 

Jared didn’t blink. He’d faced down worse people than Tom Welling and he knew how to handle himself. Jensen, sat next to Tom looked angry too, but he was wily enough to know where his attention needed to be, and that was seeking out any stray camera’s that had snuck their way inside. And if Danneel was angry she didn’t show it. Instead her face was sculpted into impassive lines. Danneel quite obviously knew who she needed to keep her in the spotlight.

 

It was Chris that came to the rescue. Probably more in defence of keeping Jensen’s name in the clear and free from scandal, than helping Jared. Before Tom could shove his chair back from the table Kane’s hand latched onto Tom’s wrist and held him fast.

 

“Do not even think about leaving or taking this any further,” Chris said conversationally.

 

“Get off me Kane!” Tom attempted to break free but Kane’s hold was far too tight.

 

“Calm down and I will.”

 

Tom glared at Jared, and Chris squeezed harder; the backs of Tom’s hand turning white.

 

“I don’t know what you’re goading Jared into saying, but I suspect it’s not fit conversation for a dinner table. But as I’m just the bodyguard I think I can get away with lowering the tone. I’m fucking Jared and have been since Bolivia. Anything more than that just ‘aint your business, you got that?”

 

Needle sharp blue eyes bored into Tom’s until he nodded slowly. For a second Kane sat there watching him, before he smiled and let Tom go. 

 

It was then Jared realised that Jensen and Danneel and the two men from the studio were missing. They must have left while Chris had Tom pinned down. In the interests of keeping Tom from kicking off again Jared didn’t ask where they might have gone.

 

With dinner having fallen apart, Tom excused himself at the earliest opportunity and left Jared and Chris alone.

 

“Shit!” Jared breathed relieved.

 

Chris ignored him and helped himself to another glass of wine.

 

Jared eyed him curiously. “What’s eating you?”

 

Chris knocked back his drink and reached for the bottle again. 

 

“Oh, no you don’t. Talk to me Chris?” Jared snatched the bottle out of Kane’s reach.

 

Chris stared at Jared as if he were a stranger. “Sometimes I hate this job Jared.”

 

Jared went cold all over. “Why?”

 

Chris laughed scornfully. “You have to ask? Isn’t it obvious that Welling was one of Jensen’s many secret liaisons? The guy was a third rate director when Jensen met him but now look at where he is. Tom’s got every studio in the States begging for him to work with them, but instead of being happy he’s bitter about how he got there. Tom was obsessed by Jensen and as usual our dear Jenny fucked him over. He’s made Tom into a potential Rosenbaum. The guy has a freakin’ chip on his shoulder a mile wide.”

 

“So he’s the only one of Jensen’s ex….” Jared gestured with his hands, “that made it in Hollywood?”

 

Chris rocked back in his chair. “In Hollywood - yes. Jensen had them all paid to keep their silence, and paid very handsomely I might add. A couple of the others are quite well up in business. I think one of them has got married and has a couple of kids. But of all of them Tom’s in the worse position possible for Jensen. He works in the industry, and the only saving grace is he’s not really gay.”

 

Jared’s eye brow rose. “Not gay? Then why did he …”

 

Chris gave Jared a dirty smile. “In a word: ambition. I’m sure you can relate.” 

 

Jared could, this was like the mirror image of him and Mike. 

 

Kane shrugged. “Yeah, I thought you would get that. You know as much as I genuinely like Jensen, and don’t get me wrong he’s a decent guy he’s got this cold streak in him. Self preservation I guess. A world of what living in the spotlight will do to you.”

 

“I had no idea.” Jared emptied the champagne into two glasses and held one out to Chris. He needed a drink. What the fuck had he gotten himself into?

 

Chris took a slug and smiled appreciatively. “Fame and money gets you the good stuff.” He clinked his glass with Jared’s. “So I guess there are some perks.”

 

Was it a perk? 

 

Working in the midst of people lives, keeping their secrets, hiding their dirty laundry before anyone could see it?

 

Could this really be called living?

 

“If this life is so shit, and you despise the people in it, why help me?” Jared asked, placing his glass on the table untouched. “Why help me with Jensen?”

 

Chris drained his glass. The alcohol making his eyes look like deep pools of water. “Call me an old romantic,” he shrugged.

 

Jared startled. It would have been a bizarre joke if someone had told him that Christian Kane believed in love. Hearing it first hand he couldn’t laugh. There was too much of Steve Carlson on Chris’ face to do that.

 

“He’s gone then?” Jensen’s voice made both of them jump.

 

“A few minutes ago,” Chris confirmed instantly switching back to his day job.

 

Leaning between the pair of them, Jared noted that Jensen’s bow tie was undone.

 

“Where have you been?” Jared asked curiously, wondering where Danneel was hiding.

 

A light flush crept up Jensen’s face. “I took Danneel back to the room, she’s gone to bed.”

 

Of course she had, Jared thought bitterly, and with a little help from Jensen by the looks of it. Jared’s breath caught in his throat. “You’ve not told her have you?”

 

Jensen shook his head and gestured for them to follow him somewhere quieter.

It wasn’t a huge surprise that Jared found himself back in a men’s restroom.

 

“Look Jared, I…”

 

“You’re not going to tell her,” Jared interrupted, his voice rising slightly. Chris was outside keeping guard, so he knew they wouldn’t be disturbed.

 

Jensen sighed. “No, or at least not for a while. I can’t Jared. You saw how Tom was.”

 

So they were back to this. Quick fumbles in hotel restrooms? Was Jared’s life to revolve all around furtive moments? Had he fallen on his sword for this seedy part in Jensen’s life?

 

Actually? Yes, he had. He had vowed to accept Jensen in any way possible. It didn’t feel like anywhere enough

 

Knowing he was screwed, and not in the literal sense, Jared accepted his defeat. “Okay, okay, I get it. I don’t like it, but I get it.”

 

It wouldn’t have been worth his graceful surrender had Jensen’s face not lit up like a beacon; his smile warm and happy as he made short work of the distance to Jared. Pulling Jared towards him; moulding his body to Jared’s larger frame.

 

“Fuck, Jared,” Jensen’s words whispered over Jared’s skin raising goose bumps; his lips teasing Jared’s mouth, snatching hot and needy kisses.

 

Jared groaned. It was impossible to resist a happy Jensen. Blissed out like a total junkie Jared let Jensen eat him alive; hips rubbing against Jensen’s hard cock like an eager cat. It would be so easy to take what Jensen offered. To accept what Jensen wanted and reduce their relationship once more to sex in a bathroom closet. But Jared didn’t wanted more. At the very least he deserved a decent location, and preferably a big feather bed. Reluctantly he pushed Jensen away.

 

“J.a.a.r.e.ed,” Jensen protested.

 

But Jared wasn’t going to give him this. Jensen wasn’t going to be in control of everything.

 

“No. Not here. Not like this. No more, Jensen I mean it.” Jared said firmly.

 

Jensen worried his lower lip between his teeth. “Okay, okay I’m sorry. I get it, and you’re right.”

 

Did Jensen mean it? Was he sorry? Jared was far from sure.

 

“Jensen I’ll play by your rules, I will. I’ve promised you that much, but his isn’t going to be enough. You can’t expect me to go along with being satisfied with this,” Jared gestured to the restroom. “Give me more Jensen. Please.”

 

It seemed Jared wasn’t beyond doing a little begging of his own.

 

It might have been the first time anyone had challenged Jensen and pushed him for some sort of commitment. Everything previous to Jared had been for ulterior motives or to abate sexual frustration. Even Danneel was getting a sweet deal out of the ‘engagement’.

 

“Each time I think I have you figured out you surprise me,” Jensen murmured. This wasn’t the brash photographer who had first visited the NYC apartment. “Chris was right about you.”

 

Chris? 

 

Jared couldn’t suppress the shiver that ran through him. Why was it always Christian Kane who fought his corner? What did the moody bodyguard hope to gain from this? The journalist in Jared couldn’t stop wondering. 

 

“What was Chris right about?” Jared asked cautiously staring Jensen down.

 

Jensen smiled as he kissed Jared softly. “He said guys like you are rare and I shouldn’t let you down.”

 

Jared’s heart lurched. “What do you think?”

 

Jensen brushed a strand of hair from Jared’s face; fingers following the line of his jaw.

“I think he may be right,” he replied pausing to steal another kiss. “It would be….it would be nice to think he was.”

 

Jared caught Jensen’s hand and held it. “It is true Jensen. Let me prove it to you.”

 

In the unlikeliest of places Jared made his promise. 

 

And in the worst way possible in just over 9 months he would break it. 

 

He would not only break his promise, but he would break Jensen.


	16. Chapter 16

And I still have so much to learn

I know ‘cause I think about it all the time

I know that real love is quite a high price

Feargal Sharkey - A Good Heart

 

If Jared had known the clock was ticking towards a deadly countdown he would have pushed for far more of Jensen’s attention than he actually received. 

 

But amidst all the games of misdirection, he and Kane had to play, taking the heat away from Jensen, and the intrusive schedules of ‘A’ list movie stars, Jared spent little time with the man who had held his heart. 

 

While Jared’s furtive dodging around the media was a headache, it was ultimately the good old Hollywood machine, and it’s ever increasing demands, which caused Jared to lay his cards on the table. With Jensen’s new movie underway he was working day and night. Jensen as he had always been, relentless in the pursuit for perfection. Poor Jared had no choice but to take the delays in his stride, bowing aside for the sake of Jensen’s career. A bitter taste that was hard to swallow, knowing he had sacrificed his own prospects in the name of love. 

 

Perhaps the only saving grace in their ‘zero contact’ romance was that Tom Welling was no longer directing Jensen’s movie.

 

Although exactly why Tom was no longer at the helm was something of a mystery. The Director suddenly announced he had ‘other plans and projects’ and Jensen, when questioned, remained annoyingly tight lipped and gave Jared no clear indication as to why he’d left. 

 

So once again Jared’s enquiring journalistic mind began to draw it’s own conclusions, and number one on his short list was the debacle between Tom and Jensen at the Millennium Biltmore. Tom had blindly stepped over the line of what Jensen would tolerate from old flames who carried the burden of his secret. The Director had known Jensen intimately, and been rewarded for his services with a healthy career. That should have been enough. Tom’s bitterness and brazen behavior was to Jensen, both unforgivable and dangerous. 

 

It gave Jared a reminder of Christian Kane’s earlier warnings. Jensen Ackles could and would be ruthless when he needed to be.

 

Tom’s exit from directing had been swift; the removal of an unwanted and ‘troublesome problem. Jensen’s star status and influence within Hollywood sufficient enough to toss aside Welling’s thinly veiled threats. That and perhaps a more perceptible reminder.

 

A few days after Jared had learned Tom Welling had gone abroad, Kane had become increasingly withdrawn. Moodier than his usual self, if that was at all possible, the bodyguard had consumed the contents of Jared’s hotel mini bar after devouring his own.

 

Jared had attempted to discover what was wrong, but if asking Jensen for answers was difficult it was almost impossible to question Chris. The man brought a whole new meaning to the word silence, as he stared, not moving, for hours on end out of Jared’s hotel window. And his only contribution to Jared’s persistence was ‘it was wise that Tom gave up when he did.’

 

It was a sufficiently vague enough statement to be both placating and disturbing.

 

Once more the similarities between Mike and Jensen were uncomfortably similar.

 

It seemed to Jared, that like Mike, Jensen hadn’t gotten his hands dirty in the removal of his ‘problem’. Jared rather suspected that unfortunate task had fallen on Christian Kane and some suited and booted lawyer in LA. 

 

Further proof, if any more were needed, that Jensen’s star was on the ascendent and there was nothing that his face couldn’t buy.

 

Well......almost anything, but not quite all.

 

Jensen might make the odd photographer who got to close quiver on occasion, but he could not stop Mike’s wolf pack and the rest of the paparazzi from stalking Jared. 

 

Jared Padalecki had become hot property overnight.

 

Using Christian Kane as a bogus boyfriend had been as inspired as it was unwelcome. By the sheer merit of his employment Chris was close to Jensen. A fact so newsworthy, Jared was followed virtually everywhere. It was wearisome to Jared, as he had random photographer’s springing up each time he went out; journalists working for Mike and some times unknown faces from magazines across the globe, camping out in the bushes of hotels Jared stayed in. All hoping for that golden shot or scrap of gossip. 

 

It was like living in a goldfish bowl. 

 

Jensen’s idea to have Chris play stand in boyfriend was working, and sure, Jared understood the need for all the subterfuge. But it didn’t mean he had to like it. 

 

And if Jared hated it, Chris loathed it even more. 

 

The bodyguard had a short fuse; a temper that was widely known in Hollywood, thanks to Misha Collin’s hospital photo’s making the front pages of newspapers across the United States. Put simply it gave the waiting journalists an opening. After all what better way of hitting the jackpot than to provoke Chris into an un-warranted act of violence. It would be painful for one of them but it would undoubtedly lead to a front page scoop.

 

It made Jared more stressed and Kane’s moods even more difficult to tolerate.

 

Yes, it was all working out to Jensen’s plan wonderfully well.

 

But was it working too well?

 

Jared felt like he was like living in a cooking pot that had been left to boil dry on the stove.

 

He was forced into spending his days and sometimes nights with Chris, who would fall into a restless sleep on whatever couch was in Jared’s hotel room. Their uneasy friendship moving into some un-named territory neither one of them wanted to acknowledge. 

 

With Chris constantly around, Jared couldn’t easily ignore him, and it became rapidly apparent that Kane was never going to be the easiest person to get along with. The man’s deep seated distrust of all things ‘media related’ constantly showed through in his bickering with Jared; that fragile temper smouldering behind ice blue eyes. 

 

Yet there was something about Jared, which occasionally drew the surly man out of his shell. Chris, like Jared had travelled a lot, and when Jared could get him talking, Chris’ lilting accent would take them back to places they had both been. They would relax and it would be comfortable. Easy in a way that things hadn’t been for such a long time.

 

In some way those moments reminded Jared of Chad. Sharing experiences they’d had along the way. Sharing funny and sad times.

 

But some things remained unsaid. 

 

Chris was a private man, never speaking about any any relationships. For all Jared knew this grand scheme could have been interfering with a current boy or girlfriend, but Kane didn’t give anything away. Interestingly, although Steve Carlson’s name never came up, Jared could sense the man was never far from Chris’ thoughts. The frequent trances Kane would moodily fall in to were a dead giveaway. A terrible sadness creeping in to shadow those sky blue eyes. 

 

Jared wanted to ask, more out of concern than anything else, but the stiff set of Chris’ shoulders always stopped him. Gradually, as time went on, Jared began to understand it wasn’t love that kept Kane awake at night it was guilt. He had bound himself to Steve Carlson’s fate through his own remorse and the hopeless knowledge that he couldn’t help.

 

And if all if that wasn’t bad enough Jared and Chris also had to work on their ‘fake’ relationship. The detailed parts they would have to act out in public and in front of the cameras.

 

It meant their fake ‘relationship’ growing steadily more interesting.

 

Interesting with a dash of stressful on the side.

 

It was one of the most difficult things either one of them had ever had to do. It was terrible and difficult and awkward and tiring, and all because they realised it wasn’t something they had to fake at all.

 

There were so many times, too many times, that Chris, knowing they were being photographed, would pull Jared into his arms. Holding him tightly, kissing Jared like his heart was breaking. 

 

The first occasion this happened it took Jared by surprise. His body responding to Kane’s embrace the only way it knew how; leaving Jared hard and aching. 

 

Jared had demanded Chris give him some sort of signal next time. Except that hadn’t worked either. Knowing what was coming didn’t make it any easier, as the second and third times had proved. Jared couldn’t prevent his traitorous body doing what it wanted, and he couldn’t stop his brain from shutting down and allowing him to go along with it.

 

Chris would break off from their kiss looking confused, disheveled and utterly fuckable. In Jared’s bad old days he would have zeroed in straight away, now he was with taking stock of the fact that Chris was a temptation he needed to stay well away from. 

 

And while their semi faked relationship was going swimmingly better than predicted, bringing Jared and Chris little peace of mind, it did manage to provide a realistic picture for the cameras. 

 

But being caught on film in such an intimate moment was uncomfortable for a photographer so used being the one who who took the shot. And as the flames of passion ignited higher each time Jared and Chris acted out their ‘love story’, Jared grew eternally grateful for the cameras, as the whole situation showed every indication of spiralling out of control.

 

And if the whole ‘Christian Kane‘ fiasco wasn’t bad enough, what made it worse were the scarce times Jared did spend with Jensen, he arrived on set sporting an erection which had been initiated by the actors bodyguard! 

 

Jared’s obvious discomfort more humiliating by the fact that Jensen found Jared’s predicament amusing.

 

A fact which was highlighted as Jared shifted uncomfortably on entering Jensen’s trailer. Adjusting his jeans for at least the sixth time since he started his arduous ninety minute journey to the movie set.

 

Jensen, of course, noticed Jared’s straining jeans immediately. Wickedly running a hand over the bulge in Jared’s crotch as he whistled. “Damn! Chris must be good.”

 

Jared may have admitted to anyone else that: Yes - Christian Kane certainly was. But after the agonising drive over, feeling hopelessly aroused the whole time with his dick leaking furiously inside his jeans, Jensen wasn’t exactly helping matters by being ‘Mr Grabby Hands’.” 

 

“Can we change the subject? It’s not like I want to be felt up by your bodyguard!” 

 

Jared was in tetchy humour. He was tired of having to be on high alert for Rosenbaum’s squad. He was irritated that he hardly had any time with Jensen and he was beyond pissed off that none of this seemed to be bothering Jensen. In fact Jensen was spending a considerable amount of time on the arm of his fiance, and Jared wasn’t certain if this was all ‘necessary media time,’ or if it was just Jensen enjoying the romance of it all a little too much. Danneel Harris had become a taboo subject, and her continued presence was causing a slight but noticeable rift between them. Jared hated it, and he hated that all he wanted was to ask Jensen if he was sleeping with her.

 

Jensen blind to Jared’s pain, rolled his eyes. “Come on Jared, you’ve got to see the funny side. You and Chris have got this couple thing going on so well, Mike’s never going to see what’s really happening.”

 

Funny side? Seriously? 

 

Jared wasn’t in the mood for wise ass remarks or empty placations. He was frustrated and angry. “What’s going on?” his voice unflatteringly rising up an octave. “Oh, let me see, shall we run through this?” He began ticking points off on his fingers. “I give up everything to be with you. I walk away from my career and my only way of earning a living, for what? A quick ten minute fumble in a fucking hotel restroom! Jensen, do you realise that’s the only time we’ve been together?”

 

Jensen frowned. “We’re together now.”

 

Jared batted Jensen’s hand away from his crotch. “Okay. So you actually want to pick this up right now? Does it make you feel good to know that another guy got me hot and bothered? Does that turn you on? Do you get some sort of thrill knowing your bodyguard can get me off?”

 

“Oh, stop being so dramatic Jared! It’s one of those things you have to accept. It’s not any worse than my situation with Danneel.”

 

Jared couldn’t believe he was hearing this. “Oh, I get it. You’re still screwing your fake fiance so it’s okay if I sport a little wood from acting out some phoney ‘loved up’ moment with Chris.”

 

“Jared, please. You know all this.” Jensen replied tiredly, pacing the confined space of his trailer.

 

“No.” Jared shook his head. “Stop this. I want you. I couldn’t have been clearer about that. I’ve played your games but now it stops. I need you and not just for the tiny portion of time you give me. I can’t be tucked away in a toy box and taken out and played with when the coast is clear. This is my life too, and I want to know that we’re going to spend some of it together. I want to know that we can make plans for a weekend. That we can order take out which we’ll eat in bed watching the play offs. I want to make love to you. I want a life with you Jensen.”

 

Maybe Jared was pleading for something he could never have. It didn’t mean that he wouldn’t try.

 

“Danneel expects....” Jensen sighed.

 

“Don’t tell me what she expects,” Jared snapped. 

 

How had his life become this damn difficult? He eyed Jensen who was still pacing across the floor like a nervous cat. “Do you want me to turn up one day and tell you that I’ve slept with Chris? Will you feel better then?”

 

Jensen stopped in his tracks, ruffling his hair anxiously. “Of course not.” For the first time his voice wavered.

 

“You sure?” Jared asked, grabbing his dick for emphasis. “Because this sure feels like this is where it’s heading!”

 

Jensen pursed his lips, as if finally taking in what Jared was saying. “Are you crazy? Chris?”

 

Jared rubbed himself provocatively. “Yeah, I’m sure. I have a lot of bad habits Jensen. I learned most of them from Mike! And while I’ve been trying very hard to be a good boy, one day Chris is going to roll up when I’m smashed out of my skull and it’s all going to end badly.”

 

Jensen looked appalled. “Are you trying to blackmail me? What is this? Give me more of your time or I’ll fuck your employee?”

 

Jared groaned. “No, I’m not saying that at all. But I know me Jensen. I’m miserable. I’m fucking jealous as hell of the ‘almost bride,’ and you’re sticking me with a guy who’s also lonely and denied who he wants to be with. How the fuck do you think it’s gonna end?”

 

Jensen’s face fell and he looked liked he’d been torpedoed. It appeared Jensen hadn’t been thinking at all. Certainly not about his new lover at any rate. 

 

In Jensen’s defence though, he had never had a boyfriend who had slept with half of Hollywood before. It was a strange feeling for the actor to recognize that he was jealous. It was an even stranger feeling to know that his ego was more than a little hurt by Jared’s admission. But then Jensen had never been with anyone like Jared before.

 

“Okay, I get it.”

 

Jared raised an eyebrow. “You do?”

 

Jensen threw Jared a dirty look. “Trust me, I get it. Is this how you’ve always done business in the past Jared?”

 

Jared clenched his fists. “That’s a cheap shot.” 

 

Things were getting out of hand and threatening to rip apart what tentative relationship they did have. 

 

“Look, I’m not trying to blackmail you.” Jared sighed. “I’m not honestly.”

 

Jensen looked skeptical as he gingerly sat down next to Jared. Not daring to get too close, whether from disappointment or fear Jared couldn’t tell. “Really?”

 

Jared shook his head. “Of course not. I would never do that. It’s just..... it’s just I know me. I know how you make me feel. Which is crazy by the way.” Reaching out he gently touched Jensen’s shoulder willing the older actor to believe him. “I want you, but if you can’t give me more or you want to finish this I’ll understand.” He grimaced. “At least I’ll try and understand.”

 

There was a finality to the words that slipped from Jared’s mouth. He was weary of playing cat and mouse, and he didn’t feel in the least regretful that he was asking such a question. Two weeks of Christian Kane winding him up had pushed Jared’s patience too far.

 

“What? No, of course I don’t want to break up!” Jensen protested by grabbing hold of Jared’s sleeve and pulling closer. His hands hovering tentatively as they smoothed over the arm of Jared’s jumper. “I....I want us to try,” he stammered nervously. “Fuck....I don’t know what the hell I’m saying....but....I do want this....us.....I just....I just don’t know how to do it.”

 

It was the saddest thing Jensen could have said, and the one that was certain to win him Jared’s heart all over again.

 

Jared reached out allowing his fingers to trail along the actors jaw. “Don’t worry, we’ll figure something out,” he smiled. “How about.....hmmmm.......I know.....going overseas. The two of us. We could go off to a place where no one recognizes us. Maybe, try England or Paris. Somewhere romantic, just the two of us. How about it Jensen?”

 

And Jared hit a home run; by suggesting they take things out of the country. It was a sure fire way straight to Jensen’s heart.

 

“Sure, if you want to. I mean it would be fantastic. Not having to worry about anything or anyone....”

 

Jared smiled knowing Jensen was always going to prefer to keep them low key. He could live with that, or at least he could learn to. He just couldn’t live without seeing Jensen at all. Holding hands, Jared threaded their fingers together. They were a team. A partnership. At last.

 

What they had agreed to and what they were was also far removed from the truth. Jared knew that. He was being played by a master who was adept at games. But love had seen Jared make far larger sacrifices, some with Jensen and numerous more with Mike. What difference would one more make?

 

Eagerly, Jared turned his head and stole a kiss. Allowing the heat to rise between them, sinful and full of promise.

 

Jensen grinned against his lips a wicked glint shining in his deep green eyes. “Think we could make the most of the time we have together?” He pulled Jared into his lap, fingers immediately searching for the button on the larger man’s jeans. Impatiently tugging at the hem of his shirt.

 

Jared knew they were back on Jensen’s territory, familiar and safe, but right at this moment he didn’t mind. He had been horny and uptight for far too long, a little self indulgence wasn’t likely to hurt. Wriggling to make Jensen’s task a little harder, Jared slid onto the floor.

 

Jensen raised an eyebrow. “Now what plans do you have from way down there?” he asked coyly. 

 

Jared laughed. He had many ideas, too numerous to mention but instead of answering he let his fingers do the talking for him. Wandering hands eliciting a a breathless reply as he pulled down Jensen’s pants.

 

****

 

Three Months Later

 

The winning post to Jared’s dreams was finally in sight when Jensen’s film wrapped. And at last he could make a deep sigh of relief. For despite reassurances, Jensen had failed to solidify their relationship any further. Yes, there had been nights when Jared had been smuggled up to Jensen’s hotel room, but their time was always dictated by shooting schedules and Jared being gone before whatever place Jensen was staying in stirred to life. It was little more than a seedy continuation of the life Jared had lived with Mike. The only bonus now was that the fear of being caught made the sex wild and hot. 

 

At least Jared had gained some fond memories from all the ducking and diving. Dreamy recollections which were often recalled at the most inopportune of moments. Fragments of Jensen naked and tangled in sweat soaked sheets frequently sparked in Jared’s mind. Images of the actor, head thrown back, hands scrabbling for purchase as Jared fucked him spiralling out of control during meetings with influential agents. 

 

One memorable occasion had Jared flushing crimson. 

 

It was an appointment with a modelling agent he was supposed to be listening carefully to. The agent had a large campaign and a specific message he wanted Jared to put across. 

 

“It will all be about the ugliness of the world we live in Mr Padalecki. I want to see my models draped over a background of wanton destruction. I need you to capture the desperation, the savagery.....” 

 

Jared had been listening to begin with but as the odious man had repeated his ideas for the fourth time he zoned out. Instead of the pictures of wanton destruction which he should have been thinking of, Jared was envisaging how he had pinned Jensen to the wall the night before and fucked him fast and hard. 

 

“I want my models to look beautiful Mr Padalecki....” 

 

Jared thought how amazing Jensen had looked. Lip caught between his teeth, gasping at Jared’s fierce thrusts. 

 

“I want to see the desperation on their faces. I want it perfect. Mr Padalecki, I want them to cry at how broken they feel...”

 

Oh god. Jensen had been desperate. His fingers frantically urging Jared on, fighting not to come to soon. The sheer look of ecstasy on his face. Begging Jared not to stop as trembled and shook. 

 

“If you’re with me and my vision all you need do is sign on the bottom of the paperwork.”

 

Jared had scrawled his signature on the paper, hand shaking as his brain thoughtfully recreated the moment Jensen had come; squirting wet and nasty over Jared’s chest.

 

Jared had never left a meeting so quickly in his life.

 

Hot sex aside, there were also all those other ‘moments’ that Jared had to contend with. Times where his life was filled with Christian Kane, and moments where Jared’s frayed emotions occasionally overspilled placing them in awkward situations. 

 

Most of these times were when Chris had been working out. The times, when Jared forgot that Kane was a bodyguard; needing to keep in shape. Jared would catch himself admiring the fine ripple of muscles beneath Chris‘ shirt. Kane’s sweating body reminding Jared of more intimate moments with Jensen. Oh yeah, they were memories Jared definitely didn’t want to get mixed up with Chris. It was bad enough that Kane’s whisky coated voice kept reducing Jared to a hormone addled mess.

 

To be fair, Chris scowled a hell of a lot himself those last three months. Whether because he could guess at the impure thoughts Jared was having, or from the fucked up deal he was having to play out for his employer, Jared wasn’t sure.

 

Thankfully, though with filming over it did herald the start of their deal and a trip to Europe. 

 

Anonymity and endless pleasure beckoned. 

 

Life had never felt so good.

 

It was a perfect dream, and as perfect dreams go, it was good while it lasted.

 

“Where do you want to go first?” Jared had asked one early morning as Jensen lay between his thighs idly drawing patterns on Jared’s leg. “London, Paris, Rome?”

 

Jensen, feeling mellow from their latest bout of sex, sighed. “Take your pick. I don’t mind.”

 

Jared smiled. “Can’t argue with that.”

 

Jensen snuggled closer and in an uncharacteristic and unguarded moment. “We need somewhere there’s good food. Good food’s always nice,” he sighed. “I’ve had enough of eating out of little polystyrene boxes.”

 

“Which is why,” Jared kissed the top of his head. “You need to think about it. It’s your break too! Me, I would be happy eating my breakfast off you.”

 

“I don’t recommend it in front of the tourists in Regents Park.”

 

Jared snorted. “Why? You don’t think they do that sort of thing in England?” He nibbled teasingly at Jensen’s ear. “I’m guessing while you can slip through a crowd of people more easily abroad, it would be kinda obvious if I started sucking you off in public.”

 

Jensen wriggled back into Jared’s body. “Shame. I rather fancied trying an all you can eat outdoor buffet!”

 

“I’m sure we can find a discreet rooftop to oblige that fantasy,” Jared held Jensen tightly to him enticed by the thought.

 

“Hmm, hmm, and why do I get the feeling you’ve done that before?” Jensen’s tone was light but somehow it held an edge that told Jared he wasn’t entirely joking.

 

Jared paused uncomfortable. He had enacted such an encounter once before, and he was well aware that Jensen knew who with - Mike. Back in the days when Jared would do anything the Editor asked, Mike had been very specific about working through a long list of locations he wanted to sex have at. Jared had, at the time, been an easy and willing participant.

 

“Bad memory, huh?”

 

Jared considered Jensen’s tactful question. Yes, it was a bad memory because it was of Mike. The actual sex - not so much.

 

At the end of the day, Jared liked sex and Mike had provided him with plenty. Both from what the unscrupulous Editor had wanted himself and also from the people he had suggested Jared should sleep with in order to get a story. 

 

Jared had always been up for the kinkier suggestions Mike had put his way. There had been sex on rooftops, in pools, on beaches, where yes - the sand had been a bitch. On one occasion Jared had fucked a ‘D list’ actor in the specials aisle of a nearby drugstore at 3 am in the morning. To this day he wasn’t sure how they hadn’t been caught. Jared still gave silent thanks to whatever God made sure that not every shopkeeper was vigilant enough to have their CCTV working.

 

“I’ve.....I’ve been a photographer in Hollywood,” Jared said carefully; allowing his words to sink in. “We both know what that means. I’ve seen more shit than I should have, hell I’ve done a lot more beside. Maintaining a squeaky clean image isn’t going to be that easy around me.”

 

Jensen stopped doodling as he he went through things in his head. “Okay. I can can live with that but what makes me so special? What made you want to give up that lifestyle? I’m not that vain to to think I’m the best you’ve ever been with.” 

 

Jared rolled Jensen over onto his chest, leaning down to kiss him slowly. “I love you. I’ve never felt anything close to this before. You mean so much it’s frightening and wonderful all at the same time. I would willingly give up everything and more to be with you,” he replied honestly.

 

 

Jensen’s breath caught in his throat, heart beating madly. Pinned within Jared’s arms there was no escape. “I never asked you to give anything up for me,” he whispered in a soft voice. The reality that Jared had turned his back on the bulk of his career glared angrily in Jensen’s face. 

 

“I know.” Jared replied simply. Placing a kiss on the end of Jensen’s nose. “I wanted to do it. I did it for you and me. I did it for us.”

 

For only the second time, since Jared had known him, the polished veneer Jensen paraded to the world at cracked. Underneath, buried somewhere deep was a part of the actor that wanted more than a life on film could offer. This was a side of of him who wanted to be free. To be a that man who could enjoy his life and fall in love. 

 

‘Jared...” Jensen’s voice wavered uncertainly.

 

“It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything. Maybe..maybe one day you’ll be ready, but if not that’s okay too. It’s not important.”

 

Jensen reached up and wrapped unsteady arms around Jared’s neck. The forcefulness of his kiss speaking the words he couldn’t say. His body making promises that made Jared’s heart soar with hope. Their night together as perfect as Jared had always dreamed. For once Jensen denied them nothing, and in turn keeping every one of their dreams overflowing with possibilities.

 

While they continued to play out their cat and mouse games, zealously guarding the truth of their relationship, the next day Jensen broke off his engagement to Danneel Harris.


	17. Chapter 17

ÔDo you think you know where your heart is?

Do you think you can find it?Ô 

One Republic - Say

 

Where We Live In Shades of Grey Chapter 17

 

 

Present Day

 

Jared is trembling as he gazes down into the river; cold, aching and so very, very tired. ItÕs almost impossible to not be mesmerized by the swirling dark depths below. An urgent magnetic force drawing him in. Hushed ripples beckoning him closer.

 

On a wet and slippery ledge one inch too far and he will find peace he longs for. It will be over. He will be free. No more thoughts. No more feelings. 

 

The rain thrums a relentless beat. ÔDo it. Do it. Let go. Jump.Õ Taunting him with each icy splash upon his face. 

 

Jared wishes he had the energy to care. To care about his life - his existence, but he doesnÕt. He canÕt. HeÕs thrown everything heÕs ever cared, or hoped for carelessly away. 

 

No.... that not quiet right. HeÕs not only thrown it away, heÕs smashed it to pieces. Ripped it up into the tiniest of shreds and set it all ablaze. 

 

His eyes scan the horizon half expecting to see the flames he has ignited. But there are none. 

 

The only thing that burns is his him. Deep within his heart and soul; consumed by self loathing for for everything heÕs ruined. 

 

Reality is slipping away and Jared doesnÕt care. 

 

The dark shadows in the distance are but a memory. An echo of the life he used to want. They donÕt belong to his life anymore. His life is guilt, remorse and shame. The jagged edges of everything heÕs lost. 

 

This is why he needs stop this insanity. To end this compulsion to hold onto a life he no longer feels he deserves. 

 

He has to jump to finish this. He wants to. ItÕs the only way to erase the memory of his sin, and move on; distance himself from the torment he is living in.

 

If Jared wasnÕt already crying; his tears mixed in with the rain, this would be the point where he would break apart. Allow his feelings out and drown in how much he hurts. 

 

Except he canÕt let that happen. His mixed up mind wonÕt let him. He deserves to suffer.

 

This reason.....this reason alone is why he forges forward. Reliving the damage he has caused. 

 

Yet itÕs a relief, of sorts, that there are fewer memories to recollect now. Fewer good ones at any rate. But these are the ones he wants to savor. These are the precious memories. The stolen moments heÕs been holding against his heart.

 

For a second Jared's careless, and as he flexes hands numb with pain from holding to a cold metal railing, his grip slips and he scrabbles not to fall. 

 

No! Not yet. ItÕs quite time. 

 

HeÕs not quite done. 

 

Bruising his hands and arms he manages to grab hold of the ledge and slowly haul himself back. For now, physically, heÕs safe. Inhaling deeply he allows his eyes to slide shut and lets the past unfold itÕs final secrets. 

 

****

8 months ago

 

While it had been a long time in coming, at last, Jared was on a flight bound for Europe. Or to be accurate, on board a full flight at the beginning of the summer vacation period. 

 

His grand romantic adventure had begun. Except this wasnÕt quite how he had envisioned it. 

 

Jared, due to lack of funds and not wanting to be JensenÕs Ôkept boyÕ, was sat in coach. Sadly it wasnÕt something he was used to. Years of flying business class had spoiled him. He had always found the experience of flying relaxing and pleasant. Coach was.......an experience he had blotted from his mind. 

 

The realization that he had so effectively deleted all his less than comfortable experiences bothered him. Pre Mike Rosenbaum, Jared had not had the money to splash out on luxuries. He had lived in a tiny cramped flat with Chad Michael Murray; worn clothes he had picked up in Walmart and he had enjoyed popping in at his local bar for a beer. The Rosenbaum years had been luxury apartments, fancy hotels, champagne and cocktail dinner parties with the pretty people of Hollywood. 

 

It wasn't hard to see that those Mike Rosebaum years had spoiled him. They had made him forget his roots. Drawn him away from the things that were important and indulged him in everything that wasnÕt. 

 

Still, he had flown in coach before; a few times when he was younger. It wouldnÕt be that difficult to get used to it again.

 

It was fair to say, that at this point, Jared was bursting with positive thoughts and good intentions.

 

ÔJared youÕre an idiot,Õ was the first thought to pop into JaredÕs mind. Along with Ôspoiled bratÕ and the realization he was effectively broke. Joyfully added to this was a growing annoyance and frustration at being elbowed in the ribs for the fifth time. The nervous middle aged man sat next to him providing Jared with an impromptu shower of luke warm beer as he scrambled past on the way to the tiny restroom. Of course not to be forgotten was the, evidently, tone deaf lady who was singing along to her Ipod and her alcohol soaked husband who was snoring loudly.

 

None of this was in anyway shape, or form romantic, and Jared found himself wishing he hadnÕt been so stubborn about holding on to his ideals.

 

Feeling despondent, Jared sipped his drink as his head throbbed in concert with the three screaming toddlers from the row behind. He hated this. He wanted Jensen, but fuck, how he hated this. There was no end to the incessant noise of people talking and rustling bags. Jared could hear it all. ÔWhy did you pack the book in the suitcase?Õ ÔNow you want to move fucking seats!Õ ÔExcuse me I need the toiletÕ ÔI feel sick. Mum, Mum. I feel sick.Õ ÔWhat channel did you say Iron Man was on?Õ ÔSpeak up IÕve got my head phones on!Õ

 

It felt like hell; cramped and panicky within his tiny allotted space. Jared breathed deeply and took a large drink, attempting to rationalize this experience as part of his new life. There were many things he had to be thankful for after all. He had escaped the jaws of his unsavory employer and relinquished his bed hopping lifestyle in favor of true love and longed for domesticity. He could do this. He could be one of the ordinary people. Living his life, working, going on vacation. This was a breath of normalcy. 

 

Quietly sat in coach, observing his fellow passengers, Jared was able to review just how ÔnormalÕ his life could be.

 

The plane was only barely airborne by the time Jared concluded Ônormal didnÕt necessarily mean satisfied. A glance around the cabin, watching faces and body language he noticed all the things people didn't say. The mother scowling at her husband while their baby wailed for no apparent reason, the frown of an older man at the children who refused to sit still. The red faced man who struggled to place an overflowing bag into an already full locker. The bad tempered woman arguing with a Stewardess over their late departure. It wasnÕt difficult to realize that many passengers, if given a choice, would never sit in coach and drink luke warm beer from little plastic beakers, or put up with a TV screen that hissed and spat static every time you attempted to change the channel.

 

Feeling more a part of this captive audience, Jared counted to ten, albeit through gritted teeth, when the annoying woman sat behind him pushed the bell for the Stewardess for the fifth time in fourteen minutes; determined in her quest to purchase every item in the duty free magazine.

 

Common sense mocked him that he should have asked Jensen to help him out, but Jared had his pride. 

 

As for his illustrious lover - Jensen had flown, first class, to London two days earlier and was undoubtedly already ensconced in their hideaway in Florence. The movie stars entrance into Europe deliberately low key in a ploy to keep the overeager media at bay. Jensen playing things so casually that he had travelled alone. His bodyguard, and JaredÕs pretend boyfriend, would not be joining them at the start of their getaway. 

 

If nothing else, Jensen was making good on his promise. He was giving Jared the time that was needed to demonstrate his commitment. 

 

It was a risky move though. If Jensen and Jared were caught on film together....well the questions would be that bit more difficult to answer without Kane on standby. 

 

Jared had been dubious about JensenÕs decision at first, wondering if his celebrity lover was testing him. Perhaps seeing if Jared would warn him to be more cautious. Yet the more Jared had thought about the plan, the more it had warmed his heart to think that Jensen was willing to put aside at least one barrier. 

 

After all, it wouldnÕt be for the entire trip, Chris would join them at some point. It was, however, far more than Jared would have expected a mere few weeks ago.

 

This was progress.

 

So it was, with a tolerant smile at the harassed mother sitting across the aisle, Jared wondered what it would be like to be one half of a typical couple. For him and Jensen to be two guys just laughing, loving and having fun. 

 

Except, as interesting as it was to muse over such a question, the thought filled Jared with fear.

 

Would Jensen be relaxed and open with him? Would he stop denying who he was and what he really wanted? Would they sit and talk about their hopes and dreams? Jared wasnÕt sure, and it was that not knowing which made him nervous. 

 

It was strange because feeling nervous was also somewhat of a new emotion for Jared. His roller-coaster employment with Mike had been like bungee jumping; diving recklessly into the great unknown. It had been thrilling. Exciting. Each new case Rosenbaum had sent his way had required instantaneous action and little time to think. Jared had been in perpetual motion, sometimes quite literally. There had not been any time for him to take a breath and ponder. 

 

In the past, apprehension had been a word from the dictionary and fear was something that kept you sharp and chasing the latest story.

 

Jared felt like he was now full of both fear and apprehension. He was unemployed with a fast decreasing bank balance. And while he had always lived his life in constant flux, now he yearned for stability. How ironic that his desire to settle down had brought forth all his insecurities.

 

Given his circumstances though how could Jared not panic? Jared had fallen down the ladder of success while Jensen climbed ever higher.

 

Jensen Ackles was movie star elite, moving like a butterfly from filmset to filmset around the world. Handsome and gorgeous, rich and charismatic, Jensen could have anyone he wanted, and in the past he often had. The actors choices were often selfish, while his actions were all well considered and executed with professional ruthlessness. 

 

Christian Kane had warned Jared and he hadnÕt listened, or rather he had chosen not to. Like all young people in love Jared had believed he had the power to change the world. Now reality was settling into the seat next door and Jared was in free fall without a parachute, or a soft comfy landing in sight. 

 

Yes, Jared was learning to loathe his situation. 

 

It wasnÕt hard to realize he was tense and worried half the time. Tired and listless the rest. Apart from that is, when he had Chris breathing down his neck, and Jared didnÕt want to categorize exactly how ÔthatÕ made him feel. 

 

Chris aside, it was somewhat of a shock to conclude that his only respite from puzzling the complexities of JensenÕs character, was when Mike was snapping at his heels. The ÔEditorÕ proving to be a welcome distraction from trying to unravel what made Jensen tick. 

 

Jared was quite certain about one thing though, he was going to need a considerable larger supply of alcohol to spend the remainder of his flight mentally wading through the minefield of contradictions that made up Jensen Ackles.

 

Sure he knew the basic facts were simple enough. The actor lived his life according to a strict set of rules. Lines in the sand which Jensen had drawn many years ago and was now very reluctant to cross over. 

 

The fuzzier bits came down to how Jensen really felt about Jared. Then the lines didnÕt just blur they developed a whole life of their own, shooting off at random tangents. But Jensen was trying, and to be fair, Jared had to admit that the actor hadnÕt picked an easy person to try a relationship with.

 

Jared openly acknowledged his own flaws. 

 

WellÉ most of them.

 

Yes, it was true that he had some massive weak spots, some of them a damn sight bigger than the Grand Canyon! Admittedly he understood one of the biggest was the image to which he presented to the inner circle of Hollywood. Yeah, that one he knew was pretty awful. 

 

It would be so easy to blame his job. Blame Mike, but he couldnÕt. It had been all been pure Jared. In his bid to impress Mike, Jared had committed numerous atrocious acts. Jumping from job to job: starlet beds to casting couches, and from wives to husbands with alarming regularity. Using information whispered during the most intimate of moments, and brazenly admitting this in his write up.

 

Sleaze was his career and middle name. It was hard to deny, Jared had been a busy boy. 

 

To be honest, Jared hadnÕt actually had a social life since he had started work for Rosenbaum because he simply hadnÕt needed one. He made casual conversation an art form to attract and seduce the unwary. Moving in the finest of circles he had seen the world. Attended fine dinner parties and gate crashed the ones that Hollywood didnÕt want to admit to. 

 

Dragged back to the present by sudden silence; the wailing children finally exhausted and watching a cartoon, Jared risked a glance at the harassed mother. She was taking a well deserved nap while while one of her children, a young girl of five, stuck her tongue out at Jared. He smiled and stuck out his tongue in retaliation, causing the toddler to giggle. 

 

A moment of rare innocence, Jared forgot his worries and indulged the child. Their game quickly becoming a series of sly peaks from behind fingers that continued quietly for a full ten minutes until a stewardess came along with fresh drinks. With the young girl captivated by her juice cartoon, Jared finished his beer and sighed. The silly game had somehow lifted his gloom, and eased the months of tension from his shoulders. In fact he felt liberated. Free. He was away from the strain of MikeÕs threats, and rid of KaneÕs conflicted moods. 

 

Jared felt like he was back in a time when there had just been him and Chad.

 

Settled down into his seat, and half heartedly watched the inflight entertainment, Jared idly wondered how his friend was doing. Would Chad still be the impulsive, chattering douche that he remembered? Would he have changed and become someone else? Someone more like Jared? 

 

It was a long flight, and as Jared put on his headphones, he was well aware that if Chad had changed to be someone more like him, then that was a friendship Jared had no intention of mending.

 

Lost between a heroine screaming on the screen and his own imagination, Jared found it difficult to get any rest. Gradually he was understanding it wasnÕt just Jensen who made him nervous. There was this knot of anxiety deep inside; an uncertainty that had grown from knowing he had lost his own identity. Somewhere, between Mike and Jensen, there was Jared. Struggling to find his place in life amidst a barrage of conflicting emotions. 

 

He could have analyzed this problem for hours but the plane landed and Jared determinedly put his worries behind him. He wanted Jensen. He wanted a life together and everything that it would bring. He was sure. This was it. This was the first step on the road to recovering who he was. 

 

He would meet up with Jensen and they would be together in a city that held no bad memories for either of them. 

 

Somewhere untainted had been an essential requirement for the start of this trip. Jared had made sure their break as partners would be a place that was new and fresh to both of them. What better place than Florence in Italy; a country full of passion and color. The beautiful city, which attracted millions of tourists during spring and summer, where Jared and Jensen would blend easily into the background.

 

In JaredÕs idyllic world they would stroll hand in hand through museums and art galleries. Carefree and happy in a way neither of them had ever been before.

 

Perhaps if Jared had shared his fantasy with Chris, he might of tempered his daydreaming; considered his whimsical ideas. Kane would always cut to the bone with his assessment of the situation. 

 

For now, Jared was glad he hadnÕt spoken to Chris. His bubble of happiness couldnÕt be burst. For six blissful months he would be right and they did find heaven.

 

May had blossomed in all senses of the word. Warm and sunny; buds flourishing to life much like Jared and JensenÕs relationship. The romance between them blossoming further when Jensen surprised him and announced they would be moving from their city hotel to a suite in the Villa La Massa. 

 

While the name had seemed familiar, Jared hadnÕt realized where he would be staying until he got there. JensenÕs face that of a gleeful school boy when JaredÕs eyes grew wide in shock. He had read about this place in one of his old photography magazines. It was gorgeous and he was actually here! Delighted he laughed and kissed Jensen softly. ÒThank you. This...this is incredible.Ó

 

Incredible it certainly was. Their hideaway was a magnificent 16th Century villa whoÕs Renaissance brilliance had been artfully restored. Within the rolling Chianti Rufina hills and nestled amidst 20 acres of lemon and olive groves it was picture perfect. If there was ever a hearts and flowers moment in their short relationship - this was it. What better pace than a hotel which had played host to possibly one of the greatest love stories of all time: Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. 

 

Jared was ecstatic - this was paradise. 

 

What Jensen had been unable to say in words was reflected in the place he had decided he and Jared would begin their adventure and maybe the rest of their life together. 

 

If Jared needed further confirmation his movie star was serious, it was further illustrated on their second night, when Jensen wined and dined Jared on the terrace overlooking the River Arno. The soothing, rippling waters providing a unique music to the ambience created by soft candlelight. 

 

Jared had been speechless, which was something which didnÕt happen very often. When he had accompanied Mike, Jared had stayed at some amazing places but this......in his eyes, this... this was something else.

 

ÒYou like it then?Ó Jensen was enjoying the shy smile which broke out on JaredÕs face.

 

ÒDoes it show?Ó Jared took a drink of his wine to hide his flushing cheeks. This was all so unexpected. Yet it was an echo of the man Jared had first met at another hotel. Those distant months back on a balmy night alone on a moonlit roof top. 

 

Jensen leaned back in his chair and looked out at the river, the water turned dark with shadows. ÒIÕm sorry Jared.Ó

 

Jared put his glass down on the pristine tablecloth and frowned. ÒFor what?Ó

 

Jensen didnÕt look at him, opting to scan the river. ÒFor not giving you this before. For not letting you in.Ó

 

Oh. ..... I......JaredÕs heart leapt in his chest. The hotel and its history, the romantic dinner and now Jensen was looking for encouragement.......what could he say? What should he say? 

 

ÒItÕs okay. I understand. If I was in your position, I probably would have reacted the same way.Ó Jared hastily answered, taking a deep drink of his wine. The alcohol flushed across his cheeks making him appear much younger. 

 

Jensen frowned. ÒStop letting me get away with shit Jared. Most of the time IÕm a complete asshole. I know it, and if I didnÕt Chris reminds me every day.Ó

 

Jared wasnÕt sure what to say. Was Jensen actually going to put his feelings on he line? Had Jared been successful in breaking through all those seemingly impenetrable barriers?

 

Jensen smiled and took JaredÕs hand in his. Open and easy in front of numerous fellow guests he didnÕt even bat an eye. But, Jared supposed, this beautiful hotel housed many secrets and had kept its silent council over the years. Jensen could probably be as blatant as he wanted and no one would ever say a thing. For a moment the idea soured the edges of JaredÕs dream, but Jared was a man in love and, for now, the past didnÕt matter and the future would take care of its self. Throwing caution to the gentle breeze he squeezed JensenÕs fingers.

 

ÒNothing matters not here. LetÕs make the most of what we have. How about we go to bed?Ó Jared watched as acceptance filtered into JensenÕs green ideas. Acceptance, which sparkled and burned with lust. Hand in hand, serenaded by the distant melody of violin music, they made their way back to the Presidential Suite and itÕs wonderfully private Jacuzzi.

 

All in all, Jared could get used to paradise.

 

****

 

Even the most devoted of angelic hosts couldnÕt stay in bed every day. Despite how wonderful it was to wake to Jensen stirring in his arms, and Jared was almost getting used to the indulgence; JensenÕs skin as soft as the custom linen sheets. It was high time they did some exploring. The heart of Florence was only a short drive away and Jared had been itching to make use of the free car and driver to go and shoot a few rolls of film.

 

ÒHey sleepy,Ó Jared teased as Jensen groaned into wakefulness.

 

ÒIt isnÕt morning.Ó Jensen replied, not opening his eyes.

 

This was becoming a familiar game. Now he wasnÕt working on a movie, Jensen was the laziest creature Jared had ever known. 

 

The laziest and one of the horniest. 

 

They had made significant use of both the large upholstered bed and sumptuous bathroom. Not that Jared was complaining. He was more than happy to take Jensen, even goading him into topping on a couple of occasions. A memory that had Jared hard the instant he thought about it.

 

Today would undoubtedly turn into another marathon of heady sex if Jared didnÕt take charge for once.

 

ÒCome on Jensen, I want you up.Ó

 

JensenÕs lips curled into a smirk, but his eyes remained closed. ÒI am up. You think you could take care of that for me?Ó Jensen idly thrusted his hips into the unyielding muscles of JaredÕs stomach.

 

Jared sucked in a breath. Damn that felt good, Jensen was plaint beneath him and he was half tempted to give in. But giving in to Jensen would mean surrendering what he wanted to do today, and Jared wanted to show Jensen that there was a place of them out in the world, as much as there was one for them in the bedroom.

 

It wasnÕt an easy thing to do but dragging himself away, Jared slipped out of bed. 

 

JensenÕs eyes sprang open. 

 

ÒIÕm serious,Ó Jared said heading towards the bathroom. ÒWeÕre going out.Ó 

 

Without another word he clicked the door shut and heaved a sigh as he faced the mirror. Now came the tricky bit. Could he hold JensenÕs attention outside of their room?

 

This was unfamiliar territory and all of JaredÕs nervous tension came flooding back. Concentrating on the plans he had for the day, Jared swallowed down his fears. They could work. They really could. With conviction he continued getting ready, but all the while hoping that what he had with Jensen was deeper than a good fuck.

 

Pausing to stare at his reflection and disheveled appearance Jared had to ruefully accept only time would tell.

 

Thankfully, time wasnÕt in a bitchy mood and didnÕt make Jared wait all that long. Once on their way the conversation continued to flow easily between them. They made small talk on the scenery they passed and laughed together when Jared dropped his lens cover on the floor and had to scrabble over JensenÕs legs to retrieve it. Yes, the tricky bit had been overcome; probably so quickly because it hadnÕt materialized at all. 

 

The day passed in a blur of sightseeing and eating delicious treats. Taking in the tourist sights, Jared found he spent more time watching Jensen as he wandered around the vast interior of the Duomo admiring the stained glass windows. Keeping a distance between them, as Jensen stopped to pay particular interest to the fresco on the left wall of the poet Dante and his Divine Comedy.

 

ÒJay, come and look.Ó Jensen excitedly beckoned him over. ÒIsnÕt it amazing? Do you realize some of these frescoÕs have been here since the 16th Century? Imagine what it must have been like in those days.Ó

 

Wide eyed and utterly absorbed, Jensen was pronounced by Jared, albeit only in his head, as something of a fangirl. Gushing and rambling over the perfect harmony and brilliance he encountered.

 

This level of animation in Jensen was a little baffling. Jensen, probably due to his profession, had always maintained a level of control over his reactions and was unerringly concise in his speech. Something about Florence had shaken this control away and brought him to life. To Jared it felt like JensenÕs career and profile in the States had been stifling a keen intelligence and appreciation of life. 

 

Ignoring the other tourists milling beside them, Jared kissed Jensen chastely on the lips. 

 

Jensen grinned. ÒOkay. So maybe IÕll admit this was a good idea of yours. I havenÕt had this much fun in ages.Ó

 

ÒOh, ages is it?Ó Jared asked knowingly. Delighted when JensenÕs eyes widened at his innuendo. 

 

ÒYou know very well what I mean.Ó Jensen retorted, playfully pushing Jared away. ÒBesides if youÕre feeling really active how about we take advantage of the tour thatÕs about to start and tackle those dreaded steps.Ó

 

Jared winced. Exploring and experiencing the culture was one thing but 463 steps while he was on a romantic break were not his idea of fun.

 

ÒCome on,Ó Jensen pulled JaredÕs arm playfully, throwing his jumper over one shoulder. ÒLetÕs test that famous stamina of yours!Ó 

 

Trapped, Jared had no choice but to follow. 

 

But the exhausting climb had been worth it, even Jared would admit that. From the outside balcony they had a view of the Florence skyline and it was breathtaking, almost as lovely as the laughing picture of Jensen that Jared took once they had reached the top; flushed with happiness and exertion. 

 

Jared wrapped his arms around JensenÕs waist, buried his face in the soft sky blue cashmere jumper, and inhaled the scent of his aftershave. ÒDonÕt change Jensen. I like you like this.Ó

 

Jensen squeezed . ÒWe will always have this.Ó He glanced up at Jared and smiled. ÒIt might not always be as obvious but I do care. What we have is something very important to me.Ó

 

It wasnÕt an admission of love but it was close to it. Jared squeezed even tighter. Perhaps if he could hold on and not let go he could keep Jensen in the moment.

 

ÒI am who I am Jared.Ó Jensen said, keeping his eyes trained on the city below. ÒIÕm going to try to be more than a celebrity while weÕre here, but its not going to be easy. IÕve spent so long hiding behind the facades I put up, pulling them down isnÕt going to be a picnic.Ó

 

Jared buried his head in JensenÕs hair. ÒI know. It is tough on you and we have to keep the press out of the way. IÕll do that for you Jensen. IÕll do it willing, knowing that we have this.Ó

 

They continued to enjoy the view in silence and a sense that they had reached some level of acceptance. 

 

The visit to the gothic Duomo heralding what would be the first of many excursions on their trip. The first and the beginning of something significant. Florence and the cities that followed unfolding their secrets with JensenÕs heart. Florence gave way to Naples, and Naples in turn to Sicily. Each new place providing them with a greater understanding of their relationship. Nights were lost in sex and love and total abandonment of the responsibilities of their lives. Days were explorations of their friendship and an appreciation of culture. From Sicily they flew out to Turkey and on into Greece before doubling back and to visit Belgium, Prague, Paris and Barcelona. The different countries and cities bringing out the colors of their relationship. Solidifying what they were creating. 

 

Paris, as expected, gave Jared ample opportunity to wallow further in romantic bliss. They wandered the streets hand in hand drinking both the wine and the atmosphere. Rustic bars amply providing refreshing beers and sultry wines and many a sore head in the morning. They queued with other tourists at Notre Dam, ate lunch on the riverboats and roamed through the arcades at Galerie Vivienne with its beautiful mosaic tiled floor. Jared gazing at the glorious glass rotunda, while Jensen hunted for a bargain in the old bookshop. It was simply idyllic, or it was until they attempted to navigate the Metro. Then it turned into noisy bouts of helpless giggling when they realized they were on the wrong train, headed in the opposite direction of where they wanted to go. 

 

Of course the city appealed to JaredÕs sweet tooth, especially after Jensen made the mistake of introducing him macaroons. They had lunched in a quiet cafe off Notre Dam, when Jensen had taken them onto a cobbled back street, and into what Jared later deemed as confectionary heaven. One bite had been all it had taken for Jared to become hooked, and Jensen had laughed uncontrollably at JaredÕs face when he took in the many colored delicacies. Like jewels they were in every hue: pinks, greens, creams, yellows and in so many flavors: grapefruit, blackberry, mint and chocolate. 

 

ÒYouÕll make your self sick.Ó Jensen warned as Jared walked out with a large box of the sumptuous treats. 

 

Coveting his prize like it was priceless treasure, Jared shrugged mysteriously. ÒMaybe....but then it could be worth it.Ó He winked lecherously at Jensen.

 

The Ômaybe worth itÕ, as Jensen discovered later when they retired for the night, was Jared making him lay naked on the bed while he crumbled macaroons on JensenÕs ass and licked them carefully off.

 

ÒFuck....Jared!Ó Jensen panted, squirming as Jared licked up an errant crumb that had slipped down the crack of his ass.

 

Jared hummed softly as he repeated his slow torture, for all intents and purposes oblivious to JensenÕs predicament.

 

ÒHow....how many more do you have left?Ó JensenÕs question more of a breathy gasp.

 

Jared, crumbling up a strawberry flavored macaroon, groaned in delight as the taste of the treat and JensenÕs skin burst upon his tongue. This was so good. So, very, very good.

 

Jensen squeaked and bit the pillow, torn between thinking this was one of the best things he had ever experienced and possibly the worst. Jared wouldnÕt let him up. The larger man was sat across his thighs and every time he licked up his sweets he pinned Jensen down by the shoulders.

 

Hell he was horny. Jared shifted restlessly and eyed another macaroon with a wicked glint as he crumbled the vanilla delight.

 

Prior to his time with Jared, Jensen would have fought against this domination. Now he revealed in it. Jared was strong, and although Jensen was no lightweight and could have fought him off, Jared found his movie star lover allowing him to take the lead. It gave Jared such a hard on that for least a couple of days, he threw romance out of the window and gave in to his animal desire to fuck Jensen senseless.

 

Not that Jensen complained. The actor was in unchartered waters without a map and Jared played his body so well. Jensen happily went along with everything.

 

It was perfect. Their voyage of discovery endless.

 

Florence had given them the foundations of their relationship, Barcelona had given them fun and laughter, as they toured the old city pretending to be tourists with bad Swedish accents. Greece had provided them with hot lazy days of sweet pleasure, strolling around the ancient monuments. Paris had invigorated them, keeping their dreams alive, and London......well, London would be something else entirely. 

 

Had Jared, or even Jensen, been aware of how much would change from this point, neither one of them would have ventured there.

 

Six months had rolled by in the blink of an eye and with OctoberÕs falling leaves seeing off the last of the heady European heat they flew into London and the cold bite of November rendezvous with Christian Kane.

 

If Chris was surprised by how they their relationship and changed he didnÕt show it. The consummate professional bodyguard he kept his game face firmly in place. This would be their last month on holiday, and with the paparazzi here were as relentless as they were was back in the States, Chris would be hovering in the background. Jensen was also much more well known in England, and Jared would need to readjust to living once more within his shadow.

 

Still they didnÕt allow it to dampen their enthusiasm. The grey streets of London had been swept away with the glow of Christmas colors. The city bustling with busy shoppers amid the garlands of bright lights. For Jared, who had always loved Christmas, it was like he had already had his presents. He had Jensen with him day and night. His worries and concerns had been placed on the back burner and it was full steam ahead. Albeit with a far greater caution than they had previously grown used to.

 

London, however, was an illustration that JensenÕs craft was never far from his mind. With his love of acting, Jensen had opted to stay in the West End. It drew him like a ravenous moth to a dancing flame. Before they had even landed, Jensen was reading the reviews to see which shows he had to see. Musicals or plays he loved them both in equal measure. If Jared had wanted to dig a little deeper into what made Jensen tick, then he had just been provided with the biggest opportunity he was ever likely to have.

 

There was nothing about the shows Jensen couldnÕt appreciate. From the quality of writing, to the costumes, set production and lighting. He had everything covered. 

 

Jared would end up sitting for hours through play upon play. Marveling how Jensen seemed to know all the words. It was a revelation into the actors passion. Jensen lived and breathed his craft as much as Jared loved photography. For the first time, Jared could see it wasnÕt all about the cash and the big billboards with his name in lights.

 

Despite what Chris might have told him, Jared could see there was a lot more to the man than silly shallow thoughts.

 

If Florence had been about how to fall in love. London was about seeing how it could grow.

 

Love it or loathe it, one of the constants about London was location. Location, location, location - and their accommodation at The Langhams was no exception. If Jared had been blown away by the sweeping setting of the Villa La Massa then the Langhams brought forth grandeur and superiority in equal measure.

 

Jared felt like he had a looking glass into the past. The hotel was a statement to its glorious historic past and traditional fine English quality. Yet it had been cleverly born into the present and its need for sophisticated technology. It was quite magnificent. Much like the rest of the hotel their rooms oozed with superiority. They were booked in what was known as the Infinity Suite, which overlooked All Souls Church. Jared had been astounded by the sumptuous decor. It was .....he didnÕt know which adjective to use first! Gorgeous, amazing, decadent and perfect, he could use them all. The room boasted an incredibly high ceiling and bespoke furniture; amongst which was a large four poster bed and not one but two dressing rooms. It surely had to be one of the finest rooms in London. 

 

Jared may have had an indulgent time during his career but he had never stayed in a place like this. Being intimidated by a room was something of a new experience for him, and it quickly turned awe inspiring when he and Jensen made love here for the first time. 

 

"Go on Jay. That it!"

 

Jared murmured softly and thrust harder.

 

"More. Come on, do it. Yeah, that's it. Fuck, fuckÉ come on JAARRREEEDD! I'm gonna OH YEAH!"

 

Jensen wasnÕt in the least phased by his surroundings and he was unconcerned by JaredÕs nerves. While Jared hesitated and continued to make love with a quiet reverence, Jensen took it all in his stride and bellowed. On one memorable, and ear splitting occasion, he had even gone so far as to declare that the high ceilings added a musical quality to their fucking.

 

One thing was for sure, Jensen seemed to be determined to test the acoustics.

 

Jared was treated to the feast of Jensen in full sexual abandon, as he writhed and made forceful demands of Jared. The actor in him reveling in their performance. Soft, sweet lovemaking had its place in JensenÕs life, but so did full on dirty, sweating, hard and vocal sex. 

 

Jared, it would seem, had met his match in Jensen.

 

But London was also the herald that they were coming to the end of their getaway. In a few weeks, Jensen would be required to to switch back into movie star mode and begin reading scripts. There would be another film that would interest him, and other contracts to consider. As a desirable actor Jensen had signed on to model a new range of menÕs clothes and he also had other advertising prospects to consider. Somehow, Jared would need to slot into JensenÕs life. 

 

Of course, Jared might simply opt to blend into the background, but with Jensen at the helm in their relationship he doubted that choice would be on offer. Sooner or later Jared would be forced to take Christian Kane back on the scene as his make believe boyfriend. The pair of them would then return to their uneasy, strung out and anxious ÔrelationshipÕ, whilst Jensen Ôs star continued its heady climb.

 

However, this was in the future, there were a few weeks left to them, and for now, Jared didnÕt want to consider what would happen.

 

It was a shame he was so unprepared.

 

****

 

Present Day

 

Jared struggles to breathe. Remembering Florence had been so difficult. Jensen had provided him with so many sweet memories. He wished he had time to savor them, but he couldnÕt. There was little time remaining and now he had thought of London there was no way he could turn back.

 

The last eight weeks relentlessly twisting events into a downward spiral.

 

 

A few months ago - November

 

London had started this part of their trip with promise. The skies were clear and the air crisp. The festive season was beginning its merry dance of bright lights and Christmas trees. Carols and seasonal music was piped into shops and restaurants, hotels and bars. This would be their first Christmas together and Jared was as excited as young boy wondering what Santa would bring.

 

Jensen, of course, did his best to spoil him in every possible way. Treating Jared to secluded dinners and turning his insides to jello with his easy smiles and charm.

 

It was a touch ironic that when the fated telephone call, which would have such a disastrous effect on all their lives, came in Jensen had just stepped out to buy Jared a Ôspecial giftÕ.

 

Jared had remained behind and was busy sifting through some photographs, which was probably why he didnÕt pay close attention to who was ringing him. As he picked up his mobile only half concentrating, as he was lying on their bed studying a picture of Jensen lazing by the River Arno, it was a shock when he heard a familiar voice speak his name. 

 

ÒHello Jared.Ó

 

Jared froze instantly; his heart racing.

 

It couldnÕt be. After all this time? 

 

ÒItÕs been a while I know,Ó the voice continued unsteadily.

 

Shit! Could it really be? JaredÕs mind was whirling. He knew that voice. Knew how each syllable would be spoken. It was a voice that echoed from the past.

 

ÒJay?Ó

 

Jared cleared his throat unsure what to say after all this time. It felt like a lifetime ago, but this was a someone he knew so well. At one time had known everything about Jared Padalecki, but where to start?

 

ÒChad? I...wow. IÕm ....just....dude of everyone who could have called I never expected it to be you.Ó

 

Chad Michael Murray paused, and it was perhaps a beat too long, or maybe it was because Jared really did know his old friend so well. There were certain things that could change, but one thing, Jared didnÕt believe Murray would ever lose was his lack of saying what was on his mind. 

 

In that way Chad and Chris were much alike. 

 

So even with the years that had separated their friendship, Jared knew something was wrong.

 

Never in his wildest dreams would Jared have known how true that thought was.

 

People do change. He and Jensen were evidence of that. ItÕs the reasoning behind those changes that you have to alert to. There can be changes for no good reason. Then there are other times where its done by choice. Occasionally itÕs a choice forced out of necessity. 

 

Where some people will carelessly throw themselves headlong into the path of self destruction. Others will opt to let someone else take the fall for them. 

 

Chad Michael Murray was close to falling. He was scared. Terrified. Cornered and trapped. 

 

The man who was always about chancing his luck had played too many games, and now he had come unstuck. 

 

Unstuck in spectacular form, as Jared was to discover.

 

ÒJared I wouldnÕt ask, but I donÕt know what to do. Can we meet? I need to talk. Jay, youÕre the only one I can turn to. Please! I need your help.Ó

 

Jared was speechless. He had often considered how a conversation with his old friend might go. This wasnÕt one of the ways he had imagined it.

 

ÒAre you okay?Ó he asked at length.

 

ÒNo. Not really. Listen, I canÕt discuss this on the phone. Where are you?Ó

 

ÒLondon.Ó Jared relied automatically.

 

ÒGreat. I can be there by tomorrow.Ó

 

Shit. If Chad was going to fly to the UK just to talk to Jared it had to be serious. Back in the day they had relocated to New York by car because Murray hated flying.

 

ÒYeah, man of course. Just text me when you land.Ó

 

ÒThanks Jay, I owe you.Ó The relief in ChadÕs tone evident as he sighed.

 

When Jared had disconnected the call he stared perplexedly at the cell phone in his hand. He had missed something. Something that should have been screamingly obvious. They hadnÕt seen each other in a few years. There was no way he should have known. 

 

Just how had Chad obtained his number?


End file.
